Just Keep Swimming...........

A New Blog

2005-01-23T03:17:00.000-08:00

Here is the link to my new blog. I haven't decided if I am going to move everything over or not. Probably so, eventually. I really like this new place. Much easier to use once you get familiar with it. So, comments and such will be turned off here.

Moving

2005-01-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

Hey folks. I am going to be moving to a new blog site. This one just isn't working for me. I need a place that allows me to make some entries private. I found one I really like, and will probably post the link hre in a few days.

So incredibly tired

2005-01-20T19:57:00.000-08:00

I have so many thoughts swirling in my head.

I have a headache. It smacks of a migraine, but I have never been good at deciphering each kind of headache. However, being that my period had seemed to be stopping (old blood) and is now seeming to restart (fresh blood and new clots) I suspect it is related to that. Currently, it is making me rather nauseated.

I have spent the past 2 days doing research online. I am trying to come up with knowledgable thoughts, information, and questions for Tuesday. I don't have a good feeling about it, and I can't figure out why. It all seems fairly innocent and straight forward. Both Rick and the u/s tech seemed to be concerned and focused on something. I am used to Lisa, the tech. I have spent much time on her table under her wand. (Sorry, that sounds kind of obscene doesn't it?)

After having irregular, heavy, painful periods for 20 years now, my overwhelming instince and desire is to just take it out. I will deal with whatever comes from that after. The bleeding alone would indicate an ablation. The cystic ovary possibly indicates a hysterectomy. The tech indicated that were it a result of my PCOS, it would have been smaller, multiple cysts probably. This was one larger cyst. I didn't ever hear actual measurements.

Medically, I completely understand why we should try for the ablation first. I will still probably end up with a hysterectomy in 5 years though.

Jeez, there are just so many thoughts and questions. I can't even figure out where to start. I am trying very hard to not push for what I want, but to do this in a mature and responsible manner. uuugggghhhh Hopefully Tuesday I will get a few ideas of which direction we are headed. Until then, I can only plan for everything. And everything is too much for my little brain to deal with at once.

On a different note, the kids just totally crack me up. I really love watching them interact with each other. They have "conversations" in toddlereese now. They fight, they share, they play, and they ignore each other. AJ has really turned on the personality lately. I got onto him the other day about something and he slapped his little hands on his cheeks and said, "Oh no, no, no, no!" I couldn't help but burst out laughing. He has also started trying to say juice. Torie has starting just babbling in toddlereese incessantly. I swear she said "wiggles" this morning while in mid babble and while watching the Wiggles. I just sit and watch them for hours. I will suddenly look up and realize I have done nothing all day but watch them. I just can't believe that they are here, and mine. As impossibly hard as those first months were, I wouldn't trade twins for anything. I still wish I'd had the chance to raise my singleton, but it wasn't meant to be.

I think I have finally moved on past all the infertility, the losses, the uncertainty that came with each positive test, and the emotional termoil of being pregnant. I really like our family as it is. I wish Bella were a part of that. I also wish I had never developed PCOS, had never lost my best friend to cancer, and many other things. But they will remain wishes. I am now looking forward to my hopes and dreams for my family's future together.

Testing, 1, 2 , 3

2005-01-18T18:39:00.000-08:00

So I had the endometrial biopsy today, along with an Saline Infusion Sonogram. During it, I know he saw what looked to be a polyp and then a cyst on my only remaining ovary. He didn't say how this all would affect my ablation. He did say before seeing that, that he had been thinking that he would do a lapryscopic hysterectomy when it became necessary. All that, assuming the cervix can stay. If the uterus comes back as precancerous or cancerous, it has to come out. This polyp wasn't there a year ago, nothing but the cystic ovary was found last time. That is a little scary to me. We shall see though.

We meet next Tuesday, the 25th, our 4th wedding anniversary, to plan things out and set a date.

I am off to bed. The biopsy hurts like a bitch.

Pity Party Part 2

2005-01-17T08:03:00.000-08:00

None of this is helped by the fact that I am hurt by my parents at the moment. In 2 weeks, I will have had 4 surgical procedures, and my parents have been here for exactly zero of them. In fact, in the past 18 months, they haven't been here at all. They seem to feel that even though we are supporting a family of 4 off $40, 000 and have some astronomical (half a million) in medical bills, we are financially better off than them, and we can travel easier than they can.

The only reason they ever got to even see me pregnant either time is because 3 weeks before Bella died, I threw a temper tantrum and literally guilted them into coming out here. I had to used the fact that I was sick and in a high risk pregnancy and getting married and moving all in one weekend to get them to come out. My family hasn't been here for shit. This will be the kids 2nd birthday that my family has missed. I thought I had accepted a long time ago that I didn't count for shit where they were concerned, unless it was me taking care of them, but I guess not. It hurts to count so little to my own family.

I tried so desperately to do my part last year to ensure that my family had a part in the twins' lives, but my husband took the first damned chance he had, before I had even been gone a week, to cheat on me. I am terrified to do that again. He can only take off so much a year, and I really don't want every 3+ day vacation to be spent driving 24+ hours round trip.

You want to know how badly I am hurting? I am willing to do this ablation, knowing I won't be able to take pain medicine that day or the day of the biopsy. I am willing to do it even though I know I will have no help for days following either. I am even willing to cancel the kids' party if I need to in order to get it all done sooner.

Sorry to unload all this, but I had to get it out. Please, don't comment about my negativity. I am aware of it, and right now, I don't care. I can't start the Zoloft Rick ordered for me because we are so damned broke and this is the one fucking time in over 3 months the bank didn't put our check in early. This has to all end soon, right? I can handle this bleeding crap for 3 more weeks, right? I did it for a year one time, I can do it for 3 more weeks. Of course, I didn't have twin 2 year olds running around, but I can/will do this. If this damned procedure doesn't work though, I may very well slit my wrists. And no, I am not so sure I am joking. I am working on 20 years of this shit. Yep, I started my period at 9, and it has been like this since then unless I am medicated for them with the pill or with Provera. Those of you reading this who have taken Provera, can you imagine being on it monthly for years? I can. I guess this is my body's revenge for the 3 months I didn't have a period.

Please, Dear Lord, let this year get better soon. So far, it has sucked big time.

I may finally be about to crack up here. Pity party below.

2005-01-17T07:43:00.000-08:00

I can't take much more of this. Even knowing the ablation is just weeks away, I am going crazy.

Out of all my obstetrical history, my first miscarriage was the worst. Followed closely by my regular menstrual cramps. My two deliveries rank dead last. The recovery from the section was painful, but at least I didn't have to be up moving with it. Oh, and I guess I really ought to rank the ovarian cyst rupturing in there. It was between the m/c and the cramps I think. I am not including in this pain scale system my hernia repair and the resulting reopening of that incision.

These cramps are ranking up there with the m/c and the cyst. I actually had to look yesterday to make sure I didn't pass my remaining ovary and the uterus itself. Whatever it was, it weighed 2 lbs. Yep, that is how big these clots are. I couldn't remotely have been pg, I am now on my 4th Monday of this kind of bleeding.

I was in so much pain last night I couldn't sleep. What does my hubby do? He stays up with me. While I do agree, that was very sweet, I also think it showed very poor planning on his part. Want to guess who is actually awake now? Me. He is curled up in bed asleep. I have tried 3 times to wake him up this morning. He falls back asleep before I can even get out of the room to go to sleep myself. I don't even need the sleep, so much as I need to be able to get onto my back and off my feet. Gravity isn't helping the bleeding any, let me tell you.

Right now, I feel very bad and very sorry for myself. In the past 2 years, I have been through so much. Each and every time, I feel like I have been left high and dry in the help department. I have had a few good friends that have helped me out, but friends can only help so much. Family makes it abundently clear they will only help out when it is convienent for them. Never mind the fact that I have jumped every damned time they have asked for help. Well, I did until I realized that it would not be a mutual thing.

After my hernia repair, we had to beg for someone to take even one of the kids overnight so I could rest and take some of the burden off Tony. When the incision got infected and had to be reopened, NO ONE was here to help. They watched the kids the hour I was at the Dr's office, and then I spent the afternoon alone with the kids. I wasn't supposed to lift anything over 10 lbs, but do you think I was able to stick with that? Hell no. Tomorrow, I have an endometrial biopsy with ultrasound. It hurts like all kinds of hell, but will I be able to come home, take something for pain, and sleep? Nope. I have to watch the kids by myself because Tony works evening, and God forbid anyone have to put the kids to sleep but us. It's not that hard damn it! You give them a sippy of water, the snugglies they love, make sure they have a clean butt, and a night light, then turn out the light and close the door. That's it. That puts people here until 8pm. Again, will anyone be here but me? Nope. So, after my appointment, I will pretty much be in severe pain from 1pm until 8pm with no medication. If I take anything, I can't take care of the kids.

Before anyone gets upset, Tony really would take off if he could. With this new position though, he can't. I mean, it would be a loss of the job entirely if he did.

More, cont'd.

A first for me

2005-01-15T18:32:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had my in-law's over for dinner. I have been married twice now, and for what will be 4 years on the 25th this time. I don't know why my ex and I never had his parents over. We certainly had parties. Actually, we entertained a fair bit. Tony and I haven't though. Oh, we might have friends over, but no real parties. So, on Friday, I had him ask his parents over for dinner tonight.

I took a huge leap for me. I made lasagna. I have only made it once before. And, I decided to change it a small bit. We ended up with both his parents, his sister, our niece, and her boyfriend. It was so much fun. I really want to make this a regular thing. I love entertaining.

I need to remember that when I am cooking, just because something turns out badly doesn't necessarily mean I can't cook. It might very well mean the recipe isn't that great. However, that statement doesn't apply to my lasagna. Every one commented on how good it was, and several people had second helpings, so I am happy with it.

I know I said it before, but

2005-01-14T20:28:00.000-08:00

2 years ago at this moment, I was in labor. wow

It's kinda cool to know I will be able to hold a month long birth story over the kidlings' heads as they get older.

2 years ago part 2

2005-01-13T23:51:00.000-08:00

2 years ago today, the 14th, I went into labor the second time with the twins. In my personal journal at the time, I made an entry about how homesick I was. I was sitting in my room, all alone. Tony was at work, and as the evening nurse stuck her head in the door to say hi, I realized my back hurt more than it had been. Again, my hurting was just really achy. This was the only thing I could remember about my labor with Bella or the first time with the twins other than pressure.

So, the nurse hooked me up to the monitor and sure enough.........stronger contactions than previously. She paged Rick and he came in and checked me. I was definately dilating more. Over to L&D I went. I got back on the mag IV again (yuck) and layed there for the evening. The second evening, I was still contracting and dilating, and so Rick told me to call my parents and tell them to go ahead and start towards Dallas. We agreed to try to hold off until morning for them to get there. While I was on the phone, he called back into the room (he had decided to go home for a bit and get a few things.) and said he had thought of one last option. I told my parents to hold off leaving, and agreed to try it. He gave me Indocen. It is given for 3 days and tapered off during that time. It worked!

Amazingly, this was the time I lost it. The first time, I just somehow knew we would be able to stop labor. When it looked the second time like we wouldn't be able to, I was so scared. I kept crying and saying it was too soon. I felt so guilty, like I was already proving to be a bad mother because I couldn't keep the kids inside any longer.

On the 18th, I was moved back to the maternity floor. We all sat down and discussed our options. I asked things such as "Will this hurt the kids/how does it affect them?" He said that he would do the mag again, or at least try it, but odds were the next time would be it. He did repeatedly say we could refuse it, and talked about what we would do if I refused it. I didn't know if I could do mag a fourth time in my life.

I found out on the 18th that I was officially a gestational diabetic. I was started on insulin and a diabetic diet then. I proceeded to lose 8 of the 16lbs I had managed to gain during this pregnancy.

I spent the next 2 weeks dilated 3-4 cm. Rick and I had mutual nightmares of AJ having a prolapsed cord. I did my very best to spend what I knew to be my final days pregant enjoying every moment. I was incredibly homesick and felt incredibly isolated. No matter how much people visited or called, I just couldn't shake the alone feeling.

2 years ago today, I was terrified I might be meeting my babies any second.

Stripping, Bleeding, and Endings

2005-01-11T23:35:00.000-08:00

I can't wait to see the weirdo hits that gets. lol

Well, Rick just reaffirmed my love for him as my gyno today. I called yesterday and talked to his nurse B. She made me an appointment for today. So, I trudge into his office. Our visits usually go something like this: Sign in, call back, weight and vitals, room assignment, sit and wait, he comes in to say hi and we chat a bit, I strip, he does his stuff, get dressed and wait a bit more, go into his office for results and chat, leave. Today, I actually didn't have to strip. Seriously, you'd think as often as I strip for this man that I would be getting paid. However, I don't do that anymore (not at this size anyway) and he is a rather professional man.

He took one look at my day runner and said ok, let's do this.

In 1 week, I go back for another hysto sonogram and endometrial biopsy. In 2 weeks (Happy anniversary to me) I go back for a consult for test results from the above and the blood tests he did, and to schedule the ablation. He also put me on Zoloft today for some of my panic attacks. I have really been losing control with them lately. I have only realized in the past week just how bad I have gotten. The attacks are beginning to interfere with my daily life.

I have lost a grand total of 4.6lbs according to his office scale. However, I have noticed my clothes beginning to fit differently (in a good way) and so I am happy.

There is an ending in sight! Woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't sleep

2005-01-10T01:59:00.000-08:00

I have been having the absolute worst nightmares. This is the kind you had when you were a kid. You know, where you had trouble waking from them, and had trouble realizing they weren't real, even if they weren't something likely to happen? When I do wake, I feel drugged. Tony even told me I was acting drugged. I'm now afraid to even try to go to sleep. I really need to though. I am having trouble sleeping unless someone is awake and "on guard." I really need a therapist.

In order to get healthier, I am trying to seriously increase my water intake. I hate the taste of water, so this is not easy for me. So, I challenged Tony to a contest. Whoever drinks the most each day out of the 2 gallon bottles of water we have, gets pleasured. Use your imagination for that. If we tie, we both get some pleasure.

I have been so incredibly sad lately. Maybe it is the kids' birthday coming up. Maybe it is Bella's anniversary date. Other than 2 things, this is the worst time of year for me. It seems like all the deaths and heartache happen in the early part of the year. Lately, I have felt like I was waiting on something. Maybe it is just 29 years of experience making me sad. And just maybe, it is serious PMS. I know my issues with my mother are adding to this. I'll post on that later.

The cramps have been so bad lately that I have actually had to breathe through them and use my self hypnosis.

I'm going to go attempt sleep. There is just so much weighing on my mind at the moment.

I can't take much more. A messy topic to follow.

2005-01-07T19:55:00.000-08:00

I am officially on two weeks with this period. There is no end in sight. I am completely exhausted. I don't mean tired of it, I mean tired. I can barely keep my eyes open, my headaches are bording on the severity of my migraines, the joint pain is getting so bad I can't stand it.

I am calling Rick's office Monday and setting up an apointment. It's time we do something. I can't stand up without just flooding. I am having clots that scare me. (I haven't had any this size since pre twins) Oddly enough, my periods start on a regular schedule. I guess the progesterone working here. However, they are lasting 2-3 weeks. Based off my history, this will continue until I am bleeding all the time, for up to a year. At that point, I have lost my sanity usually and get back on the pill.

I spent a month on bedrest before for this, while taking 2 birth control pills twice a day. It took over a month to make it all regular again. This is interfering with my life. I have been trying to decide if that was the case, but figured if I had to think that hard, I wasn't there yet. I am now. Can you tell I am almost slightly hysterical now? Does anyone want to come babysit my kids some Friday this month?

*sigh* I figure this will all happen on the 28th with my luck. That is the kids' birthday, and the party is that Sat. You know what? I don't really care. That is how desperate I am. The other problem with this whole thing is that my MIL works on Fridays, so I have no one to watch the kids while I have this done. I'm at the point if Tony has to sit in the waiting room with them, I don't care. It has to all work out, right?

Randomness

2005-01-06T14:51:00.000-08:00

So far, in the past few months, I have been visited here at the blog by several members of the us government. I don't know wether to be flattered or paranoid.

I need some info from those who have done Weight Watchers. I am going to start at the end of this month. (waiting on refund as we have no extra money right now) Anyway, I was looking online and saw that you can go to meetings, do it online, or follow along at home. What do you recommend? I am going to be crude here. Which is the better deal for your money? Do they give you lots of crap if you go to meetings? This sounds more mercenary than I mean. I would hate to know I could have done this entire thing much easier if I'd had one little tool or such that they give at meetings.

I am thinking I will go ahead and prepay for 13 weeks of meetings, and then if I am doing well, I will switch and do online. I am open to the idea that I may want to continue with meetings after that time. I kindof like the idea of the meetings because they will force me to get out of the house and do something for myself. Please, if you have any experience or info or ideas, please chime in.

Misc things

2005-01-05T19:08:00.000-08:00

I thought I was finally feeling better. Actually, I was. About 7pm, my head felt like I had been hit by a car. My teeth even hurt. It is nothing more than sinuses. I am kind of wondering if the new cat, Ace, could be the problem? I think I am going to take some allergy medicine for a few days and see if that helps prevent this.

I haven't been sleeping well. I am definately sleepy, just not sleeping well. It is all due to my periods. I am getting to the point that I am almost comatose during them. Really, I can barely stay awake. Rick's nurse hasn't called me back, and this is now the second time this has happened. I really liked her. It' s getting frustrating. So, rather than doing this whole thing that way, I am just going to make an apointment. He can just bitch at me there instead of over the phone. I could call him personally I guess, but I really try to keep personal and professional things seperate.

Tonight, I am taking a sleeping pill. I don't do this often. Usually 20 tabs last me over a year. Shut up, I know all about expiration dates. I just have to break the pattern I am in. I hate taking anything even mildly addictive.

Well, I am off to await the rest of the pics from Christmas my MIL is emailing me, then to bed.

Night!

I have to brag about my hubby

2005-01-04T23:37:00.000-08:00

He made management today! I am so excited for him.

It's a temp thing, for at least 90 days. However, this means he is also now in the management cadre for the next 3 years. I think he will be awesome. This is a step up for him in promotional opportunities too. This may mean we get to go to Memphis sometime in the next few years.

Yea Tony!!!! Congrats baby. I love you.

2 Years Ago

2005-01-03T14:06:00.000-08:00

I stood in the twin's room last night, just watching them. AJ had woken up with what I assume was a bad dream. I went in to calm him by patting his back. He calmed down before long, and I just stood there. I love those moments. Those are the moments when the day's stress just melts away for me. I try to regularly sneak into their room and watch them sleep. Torie is a super active sleeper. AJ wakes up often, but goes right back to the same position.

You see, 2 years ago yesterday, I was admitted to L&D in premature labor. How silly I feel now for not realizing I was in labor. I was so scared at this point 2 years ago. I was terrified to hope they would be ok. I was terrified to lose them. The neonatologist told us there was a 50/50 chance each that they would live. I was praying I could keep them in long enough to let the steriod shot work. I reached a point where I couldn't even let myself think about the situation.

Over the coming month, as the kids apprach their second birthday, I will be doing many more of these posts. I sit here, in complete and total shock even two years later. I can't believe I was gifted with these two beautiful, very bright, very precosious babies. I can't believe they aren't babies anymore. They are toddlers now. We are standing on the brink of a new stage for them. Over the coming year, we will hopefully master the basics of potty training, our language skills will develop more, we will master self feeding. Next Christmas will be even more awsome than this year's was.

Over the past two years, I have learned so much. I have grown so incredibly as a person, in ways I didn't imagine I ever would. I have spent so many hours memorizing my babies faces, gestures, and sounds. I can tell over the monitor with lots of background noise which child is snoring, which child is dreaming, and which child it is that is awake but not vocalizing. Much of this is done by listening to their breathing patterns. I never learned the hungry/wet/dirty/sleepy cries from each other. I know the pissed at the world and the something is wrong cries. I developed a method for dealing with the cries when they first came home. We were so sleep deprived I knew if I didn't do this pattern of checks with each cry, I would do double the work needed. It paid off.

I will never forget bringing each child home. I really wish they could have come home at the same time. It was so heartbreaking leaving her there. I can't begin to relate how chaotic those first weeks were. By the time the first birthday rolled around, we were almost laughing at how difficult singleton parents seemed to think they had it. We could unload a double stroller, install kids in carseats, dump packages, have stroller shoved into trunk, and be pulling the car out of the parking lot by the time a couple with a singleton that came out of the store at the same time could even get the kid in the car.

In the past year, we have stopped drinking formula, and gone to whole milk. I think we will stay with it for a while. They are not eating much lately. We started with chewable tylenol and vitamins this year also. (appropriate dosages of course) Torie is currently working on jumping. She is getting pretty good at it. AJ can say anything he wants, but will not do it on command. Only when he feels it is time.

So, while I wish at times I could have time back, go back to some of the earlier days so I can cherish them a little longer, I am looking forward to getting to know who my children will become over the next year.

Thank you God for giving them to me.
Thank you Tony for agreeing to try again. You are the most awesome dad.
Thank you Dr D for all your time, love, patience, and friendship. I can never say thank you enough to you. I hear women talk all the time about how great their ob/gyn is. I simply smile and tell them I hope their's is as wonderful as mine.

Hello 2005

2005-01-02T18:30:00.000-08:00

This should be a better year. It started badly though. My husband set out to get drunk New Year's Eve. Once our friends got here, he seemed to find his friend much more interesting than his wife. Only at midnight did he decide he remembered who I was. Well, he had gotten affectionate whenever our he saw our friends do so, but it felt so forced, as if I was an afterthought. He managed to stay awake until just after midnight. Then, he fell asleep. There he slept, in the chair in the living room, until I woke him up to tell him the kids were awake at 6.

We got seem really bad news about my niece New Year's morning. My heart is so broken for her. K has been molested. I won't go into details, but it happened. I tried telling everyone this 3 or 4 years ago. No one would listen. I have tried talking to her since, but gotten no where. Now, they have been forced to believe. We have been dealing with this information since then, and I just haven't been able to blog. It has also brought back many memories for me that I have been dealing with. I also have to find a way to make sure K isn't alone with my kids any more (part of the missing details.) and this breaks my heart.

The twins have been such a joy to be around this weekend. Tony ad I have laughed often.

Off to figure out dinner.

Oh, just a note to myself. I am bleeding again. It started 3 days ago.

33 Years ago

2004-12-30T03:21:00.000-08:00

On this date 33 years ago, my husband was born. I wasn't born yet, but this date was to become a very important one for me. It would actually become a landmark day.

I can't begin to tell list all the wonderful gifts he has given me. He opened up a world of opporunities for me. If he had not been born, my life would be so incredibly different. I wouldn't have known my children. I would never have even had children. I will never, ever regret my past because without it, it would never have aligned the stars for me to meet this incredible man.

Even with all the problems we had/do have, he completes me in ways I can't even come up with words to describe.

Happy birthday Darling. I will do all in my power to make sure it is a good one. I love you.

101 Things About Me

2004-12-29T21:24:00.000-08:00

1. I'm seriously blind without my contacts or glasses, but way too chicken to get eye surgery done.
2. In high school, I struggled to gain weight. I only weighed 92 lbs when I graduated.
3. This was a result of an illness in 7 and 8th grades. I also ended up with anorexie from it.
4. During this illness, I overheard a doctor tell my parents I had a brain tumor. No one ever told me.
5. I have been pregnannt times. I only have two living children that came from one pregnancy.
6. I have been in labor 5 times. I never complained of pain. Each time, my comment was, "My periods hurt worse."
7. I have one sibling. He is 9 years younger than I am.
8. My belly button was peirced until I went into the hospital for bedrest. It interfered with the u/s and monitoring, so I took it out. I promptly forgot to put it bcak after delivery.
9. My favorite thing to do is sleep.
10. My comfortable place is my bed. I spent $300 on my bed furnishings when I got my first job in high school.
11. I have very few close friends.
12. I am freakishly shy.
13. I was molested by a minister as a child. He was a family friend.
14. I have been raped twice.
15. My favorite flavor of ice cream is Mint Chocolate Chip. It has been my favorite since 2nd grade.
16. I am not too overly fond of red meat. I also pefer my red meat to be overcooked.
17. I am bisexual. No, I am not conufsed about my preferences. I simply like it all.
18. The only time I have not had safe sex was with the one person I probably should have.
19. That one unsafe experience did as much for me as years of therapy would have. I thank God every day I did it.
20. I can count on less than 5 fingers the number of things I regret in my life. I have made many mistakes though.
21. I am submissive in the bedroom. I am not in any other room.
22. I used to be able to read a cheap romance in less than 1 and a half hours.
23. I still remember the first one I read.
24. I've met Morgan Freeman several times.
25. On my 30th birthday, if I have lost to my goal weight, I will be getting a couple of piercings and a tatto.
26. I have taken my clothes off for money.
27. I tend to pick up emotionally unstable, needy people like other people pick up colds.
28. I have a sign on my forehead that everyone but I can see. It says, "Use and abuse me."
29. It's really a shame people can't just learn to ask me for what they want. I usually will say yes. If you take without asking, the resulting response is almost always a sound NO!
30. My favorite color is blue. Any shade of blue will do.
40. I used to drink like a fish. Now, I can get drunk just smelling alcohol. (I am such a cheap date.)
41. I was popular in high school only because I was friends with all the guys the popular girls wanted to date.
42. I tried to kill myself when I was 14. It failed. I have thought about it once since, and not when most people would think I did.
43. I have Reynaud's syndrome. I hate wearing socks and gloves though.
44. I learn best when I write the information.
45. I was diagnosed with ADD (no hyperactivity thank you very much) in nursing school.
46. I scored higher on the ADD testing than my extremely ADHD brother did.
47. I dream of backing for a living one day.
48. First though, I have to learn to make cheesecake.
49. My sex drive is as high as any male's.
50. Number 49 doesn't mean my hubby isn't sometimes a very frustrated man.
51. I love frogs.
52. I have almost no creative talents.
53. I am easily intimdated.
54. I am dyslexic.
55. I hand wrote my senion term paper draft backwards because I was tired and wrote with my left hand.
56. I am ambidextrious.
57. I sucked at golf. My boobs got in the way.
58. If you met me, you would think I was the sweetest, most innocent person on earth.
59. I shock the hell out of most people when they get to know me because of # 58.
60. Thanks to having my french teacher living with us, I was fluent within a year in the second grade.
61. I pick up languages easily.
62. I learned to diagram a sentence in French before English.
63. While in the hospital, pregnant with the twins and a gestational diabetic, I actually liked the diabetic breakfasts they sent me. The rest of the meals sucked.
64. I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner at age 9. And no, I didn't assist the adults in fixing it.
65. I like holding hands.
66. I want a breast reduction.
67. A tummy tuck wouldn't be a bad thing either.
68. When my kids frustrate me by acting too much like me, I blame it on my SIL who is just like me.
69. I have always had a fascination with Marines. See #'s 18 and 19.
70. I was heartbroken when my best friend died at age 36 if bladder cancer. See #69
71. I dream in vivd technicholor, and usually wake up unsure if it was real or a dream.
72. I enjoyed wearing maternity clothes.
73. I have never spent a night in the hospital that didn't have to do with a pregnancy.
74. I suck as a parent.
75. I think my children are the most wonderful, beautiful, fascinating creatures.
76. I don't like drinking anything that tasts like alcohol.
77. I am easy to get drunk.
78. I am scared of clowns.
79. I am even more scared of snakes.
80. I am such a blond at heart.
81. For a nurse, I am amazingly unsympathetic.
82. During childbirth, I apolpgized for cursing in front of my mother-in-law.
83. I still don't feel guilty for mentally plotting to kick the delivering doctor in the forehead.
84. I have heard the word's "Holy shit, that's not normal." during my c-section.
85. I only have one ovary and my tubes are tied. I have about a 3% chance of getting pregnant again.
86. I had a 3% chance of having multiples while on clomid. Can you understand why I worry?
87. I have been asking for a hysterectomy since age 14.
88. I started my period at age 9.
89. I am eagerly awaiting menapause.
90. I skipped 11th grade.
91. I broke up with a guy through his parents. He was grounded and I had a date. I do NOT cheat.
92. My grandfather was a minister.
93. I could happily go back to bed right now.
94. I have the fashion sense of a retarded gopher.
95. I am paler than pale, yet can turn black with careful time in the sun.
96. Caffiene makes me sleepy.
97. I like heights if I am inside something.
98. I like puzzles.
99. My favorite flowers (not together though) are lilies and daisies.
100. The only person I have ever had phone sex with is my husband.
101. I lose my southern accent when I haven't talked to anyone from home. I have it back at the end of a phone call with my mother. Being stressed or angry brings it back out fast.

Damnit!

2004-12-28T16:14:00.000-08:00

I had this big long post about an epiphany I had today, and blogger seemed to take it but when I went to double check, it cut almost 3/4 of it off. Also, please remember, I am aware that this next part is my version of this. I am taking that into account.

Here is the rundown. I am allowing myself to be treated a certain way. The problem is that I don't know what I am doing that allows that to happen. The people who have and are treating me this way sure the hell won't share why they think it's ok to act that way.

My ex tried to change me because he was insecure and unhappy with himself. This is what I looked like when I started dating him. I thought I would share this because only a very small handful of people have seen these pics. Most people reading my blog have only ever seen the me since my PCOS kicked in. I really did look semi attractive at one time. Please forgive the quality. That's the best my scanner seems to be able to do. Also, don't make fun of the hair, it was early 90's.

Tony has never set out to change me, but then I can't say my ex did either. It just happened. I am unsure of wether Tony is that insecure with himself that he is trying to make me make him happy, or if he is that unhappy with me. One I can't fix, the other I can.

I can't help but wonder what it is I am doing that tells people that it is ok to try to make me change who I am. Then, I have to wonder, if they dislike who I am so much, why are they with me? Tony and my ex are not the only people in this. Many people in my life have done this.

There is something about me that has told every guy except one that I have been involved with that it's perfectly ok to go outside of the relationship. Were it even just a couple, I would think that it is the guys, not me. But if all have done this, I am sending out the wrong signals.

I can't really talk to anyone I know. I have several people that for different reasons, feel everything should be forgotten in the interest of not being a single mom. Several people are just too close to both of us.

Either way, I have come to the desicion that while I may need to change certain aspects of me in order to maintain my relationships, I will not allow certain other situations to ever happen again. If they do, there is to be no forgiveness, no another chance, no I'm sorry. While people may not think I have any personal pride, I do. I am drawing the line in the sand, saying no more. (This isn't just about Tony.) I am standing at the fork in the road. Last night and this morning, I was leaning one way. I am now steadily marching down the other way. I am about to show everyone exactly what I am made of. If they like it, fine. If not, fuck off. I will do what is needed in order to make my marriage work, but I will not swallow my pride, tuck my tail in, and hide ever again.

Now, I have to put the kids to bed at 7, then I need to drink about 4 glasses of water (I am really dehydrated) grab a snack, and then go to bed. I took a nap earlier, but other than that, I have been up for over 24 hours. I have a busy day tomorrow getting my shit together!

I am not swimming anymore

2004-12-28T07:40:00.000-08:00

I am not sure I am even treading water. It feels as if I am going under. I thought things were better. I thought they were different.

I haven't been to bed. I have a migraine. My wrist is hurting so much it makes me cry.

I want to go to my cave and stay there for a while.

I need some help please

2004-12-28T05:44:00.000-08:00

I need ideas and suggestions. I am going to move my blog. I need it some place that will allow me to make some entries private. There is just so much going on that I need to be able to get out, but not allow the public to see I think.

Anyway, what I need is this. I need a username. You know, like in the address here it is tarnishedsiren. I don't want anything that labels me as only a mom, only a wife, or an infertility survivor. I want it to be about me. Right now, I don't have a single creative bone working, so I would really appreciate the input.

Thanks!

WTF???????

2004-12-27T23:45:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to start, just WTF??????????

I am gonna kill the new kitten

2004-12-27T23:35:00.000-08:00

He won't quit crapping in my floor. I think we have changed his name from Klaus to Killer. If he doesn't quit with the pooping, I am going to call him crapper.

O don't feel bad anymore. Well, the flu/achy feeling is gone. Now I just simply feel like someone hit me over the left eye. My nech is really stiff too.

I HAVE to let Rick know the problems I am having. My blood sugar is fine. I started keeping closer track than I was, just to be sure that wasn't the problem. I have started yet again. It's really driving me crazy. I can't handle this anymore. I am tired of bleeding. I'm off to do research in Google U and several nursing/medical resources. Also to check my insurance and see what is covered and what will have to suffer in order to stop the bleeding.

Bits and Pieces

2004-12-26T09:50:00.000-08:00

Where do I start? I think in order of my notes to myself.

Pumpkin roll. This little item in my cooking library gets me forgiven many things. It is not all that beautiful, but it is really good. Kind of like a spice cake with cream cheese frosting. Anyway, here are a few pics. This particlar batch didn't make it to the family dinner simply because it wasn't as pretty as the others.

We have a conservative pediatrician. Tony and I did that on purpose. I would rather argue to get my way doc from being too cautious than regret not even thinking about a possibility. So, yesterday we went against dr orders and gave the kids some mini snickers. They have had peanuts before. No problems. According to the pedi, we should have waited until age 4 before introducing nuts to them because of allergies. Miss Priss took one bite of her snickers, sucked all the chocolate off, and within an hour had swollen cheeks, a rash, and swollen eyes. I immediately had Tony give her some benadryl. It was just a skin allergy, but it still scared the hell out of me.

When we got home from Mass on Christmas Eve, I was sick. I felt fine before, just really thirsty and craving OJ. I'm 29, you would think at this age I would remember that usually means I am sick. Damn it, I had just really started getting over the last one.

Mass. I LOVE going to Midnight Mass. It is beautiful. The earlier ones are the ones that most of the families with children go to. Unfortunately, I think last year was the last one for us for a while. Tony's mom kept the kids for us. We went to the 5 pm service because she didn't have to sing for that one. The kids couldn't go to the nursery because of RSV. Them sitting through Mass with us just wasn't going to happen. If we had tried that, I would have been into the communion wine before the end of service. Hopefully next year they can go with us.

Christmas Day

2004-12-26T09:23:00.000-08:00

This is a sample from yesterday's family gathering.

This is my gift to myself. I named him Klaus. He is such a cool cat.

This made me laugh and think of TMJ

I had to laugh when I looked up and saw this. This was the most relaxing Christmas I have had as an adult. We were done cooking by Thursday evening. All the gifts were bought and wrapped a week ago. This kids were very well behaved. No high tensions were found. We were all relaxed. The only down note was that my MIL was sick. The only thing missing was my family. I am getting used to that though.

Merry Christmas

2004-12-25T05:47:00.000-08:00

We have had a good Christmas so far. How about you?

Several notes to myself. Blog these things later.
pumpkin roll
peanut allergy
cold
mass

More later. I need a nap!

The calm before the storm

2004-12-23T08:33:00.000-08:00

Two years ago, I was so clueless as to what my future held. This is what I looked like then.

I was 22 weeks along in the first, and 23 weeks in the second. The second pic was taken Dec 24, 2002. Little did I know I would go into labor sometime between then and Jan 2. I can't help but be shocked at how much things have changed since then. I can't imagine life without my little ones.

I am about to do something I have never done before

2004-12-23T04:57:00.000-08:00

Get your mind out of the gutter. There isn't too much left of that kind of stuff I would do that I haven't already. I am going to attempt to make lasagne. I have never made it. I am a semi decent cook. Well, if you don't mind eating all desserts. My meals are passable, but my desserts......they are pretty damned good if I do say so myself. Anyway, I married an Italian. I think it was in the marriage vows somewhere that I learn to fix lasagne. My ex mil made a pretty good one. Come to think of it, my hubby's family has actually cooked very little in the way of Italian food since I have known them. My IL's started low carbing it right as I moved here though, so that may explain it.

I'm getting excited about Christmas. I can't wait to see the kids open presents.

I am attempting to work up the energy to get dressed, get the kids and hubby dressed, and then go get breakfast and then grocery shop.

The kids have started interacting even more than they were. They are hugging each other regularly. They are also fighting more. It's really funny.

It's cold here. I hate the cold. It makes everything hurt worse.

Oh, a note to whoever found me via the boobies and twins search. Yep, I have a pair of each just in case you were wondering.

A White Christmas

2004-12-22T12:38:00.000-08:00

I don't think I have seen this much snow in the 5 and a half years since I moved to Dallas.

I am one of those people that would be perfectly happy living in some place that never saw snow or cold weather. However, I am so sleepy I can barely hold my head up. Thankfully between the snow and tv, the kids are staying pretty entertained.

Totally off topic, it is totally amazing how much I used that damned pizza cutter. My joint pain has moved into my hands, and even washing dishes makes me cry. (Let me tell you, this makes sure they get into the dishwasher before drying and getting crusty.) That thing hs come in handy so much since having the twins. Everything has to be cut into bite sized pieces and it is so much easier with the pizza cutter.

Stupid People

2004-12-22T09:42:00.000-08:00

I have mentioned before that hubby works for a gov't agency. I am sitting here calling the number that this agency has for bad weather repeatedly. I am really hoping and praying that whatever idiots do the updating soon realize several things.

1. It's snowing, in below freezing temps.
2. It is doing this in TEXAS.
3. Most (not all) of the Texans that I know can't drive in anything but sunny weather. Rain and snow and ice freak them the hell out. Many get really stupid.

Due to these things, I am really hoping the idiots get smart and leave a message letting me know I can keep my sweet hubby home with me today. I don't want him on the road with all the idiots.

The hidden me

2004-12-21T21:59:00.000-08:00

I have ben shy my entire life. Almost cripplingly shy. Most people see me as very innocent and sweet when either meeting me for the first time or seeing a picture. While I am sweet in nature, innocent I am not. This is not just because of my size. Even when in high school at a size zero and weighing less than 100 lbs, I still got that.

I don't flaunt who I am inside simply because I see no reason to. If anyone ever were to ask me, I would share with them who is really inside. I discuss my bisexuality with family as much as I discuss my heterosexuality with them.....none. It is simply not something that factors in. I can't say how that would factor if I had chosen to spend my life with a female partner. I haven't worried about it.

I want to find that inner me again though. I lost it while pregnant with the twins. It isn't just about sex. It's about my passions, my purposes. It's about why I am here, and what I am supposed to be doing with that. I think I have figured part of that out.

I feel like I am at that same stage I was at 12 or 13, but for different reasons. Back then, I couldn't decide if I wanted to play with dolls or makeup. I then promptly decided to put makeup on my dolls.

I think my physical self is very much a part of my unhappiness. I haven't felt like I fit into this skin since my PCOS triggered my weight gain. I sure haven't fit into it since I lost Bella and had to recover from childbirth in the depths of depression. My abdominal muscles were shot with her, and they sure the hell didn't improve with the twins. I actually bought a girdle the other day. Tucking my insides back like God made them actually took me down 2 pants sizes! Well, not just my insides, but the fat as well. I am thinking I need to start the abdominal stuff much like I should have when the kids were born, small and simple. I started out incorrectly, stupidly thinking I was safe from problems, when I gave myself a hernia. I started tonight. I am going to start accounting to myself here in blogland to keep me honest.

OMG! I am watching the food network, and have decide that only a Texan would hold a corn dog decorating contest!

Changes

2004-12-21T21:16:00.000-08:00

One of the bloggers that I read regularly, TMJ, is about to leave for a 6 month journey. As I was reading, I noticed that my husband had left a comment. Now what I am about to admit may make it seem as if there are severe problems in our marriage. I would think, given the history this year, that was a given. However, we have known from the beginning we were very different, and have embraced that and tried to build from it.

I don't really find myself envying TMJ his journey. Yes, I want to see the world. If I had "met" him about 5 years ago (slightly longer) I would probably be begging to go with him. At least for part of the journey. I was at what I suspect was a similar place in my life. (I think his place is better, he still has his sense of humor where as I lost mine for a while.) I am now on a similar mission for myself, but this time, I can do it from home. (I would go to his goodbye party though if we had money.)

In the interest of self exploration, I am not saying more on his place in life, but about mine. That's his journey, this is really all about me damnit! hehe

After finding out that my ex had a girlfriend, I couldn't seem to carry a baby longer than 9 weeks, and I really hated my job, I started looking for someone to talk to. I knew nothing about blogging. I met many people, and somehow managed to fall in lust with someone. In the meantime, someone I had been friends with (never met, just chatted and emailed and phoned often) for several years, informed me he thought he was in love with me. After a very traumatic incident, I agreed to meet him. I had met Tony before once, and was planning to move in with him. Jim (not TMJ!) was the only person to this date that actually intimidated me in bed. I slept with him. (If my ex happens to be reading this, it was him, not Tony that I slept with in July that year)

Jim encouraged me to embrace who I was. My ex, L, taught me all about sex. He is the one that introduced me to almost everything I have done. Tony is the one I have settled into my skin with. Jim was the one that taught me how to settle in. He taught me it was ok to be me. He taught me that while some things I enjoyed might not be the mainstream, they were acceptable. They hurt no one (unless they want it to) and they brought me pleasure. He is the one that put me in check when I started to get after control after I found out about L's friend.

I miss Jim. He was my best friend. While I can't begin to picture what my life would be like were he still in it, I suspect it would be significantly different. He guided me through my self exploration, and kept me true to myself. He taught me so much about myself, but didn't change things about me. He fully accepted me as I was, yet encouraged me when I didn't like something to change it. I wish I'd had more time with him.

I am on the brink of some new part of my journey through life. I am encorporating the non mother part of me with the mother. I was so wrapped up in my infertility and losses that I have had a hard time getting to the point I am comfortable with myself as a mother. I am finally going back to my career. I am on my to losing this weight, but that is it's own post.

I worry about my family at the end of this journey, but I think that is just damage from the last time I had a monumental moment. I ended up leaving my husband, and I am very much a "marriage is forever" kinda gal. Those moments only happened like they did before because of my ex telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore.

I have already started this journey. Mostly it is about combining the very sexual me, the infertile me, with the mother part of me. And with that, I just segued into a new post.

PTSD revisited

2004-12-21T20:55:00.000-08:00

I know certain people in my life think I should just be grateful for what I have and get past all I have experienced. I don't think they understand that's exactly what I am attempting to do. It strikes me in so many ways, usually when totally unexpected.

Julianna gave a very good description. You know what though? It doesn't just apply to the infertiles. That is just one corner of the world. My issues are about infertility, my baby dying, being abandoned. And yeah, while I may get pg......they don't stick. I stopped taking betas after the 4th one. I reached a point where I simply didn't want to know. I even joked with Tony about not needing any birth control. If I simply peed on a stick and got 2 lines, give it up to 3 weeks.....I would then suddenly not be pg anymore.

I had such joyful innocence with my first pregnancy. I was cautiously optomistic while pg with Bella. With the twins, I was so damned scared I never, ever considered the fact that they might come early. I took the one day at a time thing a little too seriously. Rick says that was the one complication he completely expected. The things I worked into my birth plan, that actually made that man cry.......they were things I had learned the hard way I wanted done if we lost one or both of the babies.

For so long after Bella died, I was terrified to let Tony out of my site. I remember feeling that if I couldn't keep Bella safe inside my body, I sure couldn't keep him safe. Then, Sept 11th happened the same year.

Incorporating the single Amy into the married Amy didn't happen overnight. It took a long time. It even took a failed marriage to help it along. Becoming a mother took a long time and many losses too (for me anyway.) It causes me much guilt. I have many bad days (being a woman of little patience) and I have trouble allowing myself to have them. In reality, if this were a paying job, I wouldn't have an issue with it. But because it involves those two little beings, it isn't allowed.

I look back at some of these entries and realize, things are finally starting to gel together for me. The fertile infertile Amy is beginning to settle into her skin as a mom. I will continue to have bad days, but that's normal. If many people would just admit it, they have days when they really want a day off from work. If they don't get it, they start to hate the job. If they do get it, then they come back happy and refreshed. I have to remind myself that that need for a day off doesn't make me a bad, ungrateful mom, but a good mom. I am learning to recognize my limits. I am learning to take the occasional day off, to recharge myself. It doesn't mean I don't love my kids, that I regret them, or that I wish they weren't here. It means that I am a good mom. Very few people, even those that love their jobs, can handle doing it 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Why oh why do people think that even though chosen (what job isn't?) motherhood isn't a job?

2004-12-18T03:51:00.000-08:00

Really, maybe one of you out there in blogland can tell me why it is I keep checking my blog whenever I am going through my favorites. Wouldn't I know if I had updated?

I need sleep.

If I don't vent, I may explode

2004-12-17T13:19:00.000-08:00

This is our final RSV season in seclusion. I can't wait until summer. Of course, I may be working again then.

Bitch 1. I have the ultimate in uberfertile white trash neighbors. I know we aren't exactly wealthy, but apparently my neighbors think we are. No, we aren't on welfare like them. I guess I can see where that makes us appear to be rolling in money to them. Here is an idea though. Use an f'ing condom. Yeah, there is a fail rate, but not as high as these people have currently. She has 4 kids, all under 6, and is currently expecting twins. She works, the husband doesn't. They actually asked me recently if I would watch her kids. Or could I take her to work at 10 pm every evening. This woman knocks on my door at least once daily. She and her kids and husband spend the entire day running around outside my aptartment. I get asked weekly if her kids can come play. I have explained numerous times I can't let them be near other kids, if they get RSV it could KILL them. Not to mention, I would probably have a nervous breakdown if they were in the hospital again. God forbid she actually discipline her kids either. I hear running in the apartment all day long. I can't believe the complex even let them have that apartment seeing as there is only supposed to be 2 to a bedroom. They are about to have 8 people in right at 1000 sq feet. This complex was mutch better when we moved in. You'd think for the rent we pay, it still would be. I can't even go outside and do laundry (our w/d is on the patio) because if they see me they want to come in. What the hell happened to polite yet friendly neighbors that simply nod and smile when they see you, maybe saying hi! or Merry Christmas! as appropriate? F'ing leeches. I have tried being nice. I didn't know they would suck me dry emotionally. I would give the shirt off my back to help someone that doesn't have. Come on though, help yourself!

Bitch 2. Between everyone knocking on my door lately and the resident uberfertiles hanging around thinking my kids and I are the greatest thing since sliced bread, I am now having to sit around with my curtains closed. These people (including salesmen) seem to think because they can see someone home, I have to answer the door. I am now going completely insane with the isolation. I can't even have freaking natural light during the day because of this crap. Something has to change. I am really tempted to hurt feelings by opening the damned curtains and blatently being a bitch about letting people in. I shouldn't have to feel guilty. I have been raped, twice in my home. Both times it was someone I knew. I am not going to feel guilty about not letting someone I don't know in here.

Bitch 3. No matter how many times I refresh my screen, our paycheck isn't in the bank. Technically, it shouldn't be until Monday, but the bank has been putting it in early. Like on Friday. It has always been early the paycheck before Christmas.

Good grief, I can't believe Christmas is NEXT WEEK! We are going shopping for the twins on Monday. We may get brave and go this weekend, just because of my cabin fever. I had picked several things I wanted to get the kids, but I think Nana went a little crazy this year. I pray I am wrong, but I'm a little scared. Everytime she has called here lately she has been shopping and wanting to know if such and such was ok to buy. Nana priveledge I guess. I limit her so often with things, I think this is one to just let her have her way with.

IT issues

2004-12-16T21:31:00.000-08:00

Anyone care to tell me why my technically challenged self can't make my stupid yahoo im presence show I am online? I know it is something amazingly simple, but I am overlooking it. Oh well, I am usually online. I may not always be able to chat, but I am usually here.

Still bored

2004-12-16T20:50:00.000-08:00

Several things.

1. I need rechargable batteries. If santa wants to drop a few in my stocking, I'd be one really happy person. hehe The kids toys could use a few too.

2. I really, really want to get totally hammered. Not that it takes much, I am a cheap drunk.....one or two drinks and I am blitzed.

3. Anyone want to chat? Not sure I have much to say, but again.....I am bored.

4. AJ is being allowed to watch way too much Emeril. He's yelling bam! and acting like he's throwing spices on stuff.

5. I taught both kids to find their toes tonight. They can also find mine. Not a pleasant thing considering I am one of the most ticklish people on earth.

6. If my husband were to come home early tonight, I would be even happier than the batteries could make me.

7. I am hungry. I really don't want to cook. Just not feeling very creative tonight.

I'm bored

2004-12-16T13:46:00.000-08:00

The kids are finally napping. Shut up, I know it is after 3 pm. They are finally sleeping past 6am (up to 8 and 9) and I would really rather strangle myself than clean.

I blew my low sugar diet all to hell and back. However, it may have saved the hubby's life. Not only did he bring me the peanut M&M's I asked for, but he also brought me some cookie dough. Yeah, I know how to make homemade cookies. I messed up my last batch though, and don't want to make them again.

For the person who is coming here with a .gov IP addy, you might want to think twice. While the IT people I worked with at one of those places were idiots, (they actually tried to recruit me nor could they figure out how I managed to use one of their profiles to look at the porn they had already seen) eventually even they will figure out this is not an acceptable website for work. Sorry, but I just can't G rate it at the moment. If you would like to email me (check out my profile) and I will tell you a bit about what can happen if they do. It isn't just your local IT people checking that stuff out.

Part 2 Still Not G Rated

2004-12-16T01:29:00.000-08:00

1. I have, either currently or in the past, gone over a year without sex. Nope
2. I have a partially used tube of KY Jelly close to my bed. Yep
3. I sometimes buy clothes specifically to turn people on. I did before I gained weight
4. I sleep with my socks on. I barely wear them at all
5. I have gotten someone drunk on purpose. hell yeah
6. I set aside some time each day to surf porn online. no
7. There are nude pictures of me somewhere on the Internet. If I do, my ex has some explaining to do
8. My family would FREAK if they read this list. That is putting it mildly
9. I can orgasm on command. No
10. I have had sex standing up. yep
11. I have leather in my closet and I'm not afraid to wear it. Yeah, my boots
12. Given the opportunity, I would have sex with a porn star. sure
13. I know someone who needs a copy of "Sex for Dummies." uummm yes
14. There is at least one extended family member (cousin, aunt, etc.) I would jump if we weren't related. No
15. I think hose are sexy. Hose no, stockings yes
16. I think limited nudity should be allowed on television after 10:00 at night. Not really
17. I like ribbed condoms. Not particularly
18. I am pierced somewhere other than my ears or navel. Not yet.
19. I have had sex in the shower. yep
20. My parents caught me having sex. Yes
21. My child(ren) caught me masturbating. No
22. Watching other people have sex turns me on. Duh
23. I own more than ten porn tapes/DVDs. Yes
24. I have used a vegetable as a sex toy. Not that I remember
25. I enjoy reading erotic literature. Oh yes
26. I can get wet/hard just by the sound of someone's voice. YES
27. I have used a sex swing. Nope
28. I have employed the services of a professional sex worker. It depends on your definition of professional sex worker, but never paid for it.
29. I have a membership on at least one adult pay site. No
30. I would give up another habit (smoking, drinking, over-eating) if it meant having more sex. Hell yeah!
31. I would consider hiring someone to teach me about the finer points of sex. Not the finer one's by most people's definition
32. Given the opportunity, I would appear in an adult magazine. Not anymore
33. I think reality TV should show who's having sex with whom. I couldn't care less
34. I get wet/hard just walking into a Victoria's Secret store. No
35. I keep a "Top 5" list of famous people I would like to fuck. Really, have you read my blog? Only 5?????
36. I have participated in an orgy. Yep
37. My current sex life is beyond boring. No
.38. I am actively looking for a new sex partner. I am open, but that is up to the hubby
39. I do NOT think having sex always means making a long-term commitment. I don't think it has to equal long term commitment
40. I have at least one sex toy made of glass.No, but I think some are beautiful and would love one!
41. I think anti-pornography laws are too restrictive. I don't know. I am rethinking certain things since having kids
42. People would be surprised if they knew how often I think about sex. I am surprised by it.
43. I think 16 is a good age to begin having sex. No
44. I have special names for my sex organs. nope
45. I have used sex to get what I want. sure
46. I think the world would be a better place if people had sex more often. People would smile more
47. I think some public nudity should be legal. Within limits
48. I have at least one sex toy that is purple. yep
49. I think a blogger orgy would be ... fun
50. Just reading this list makes me horny. Well duh, thinking about sex does.

Part 1 Not G rated

2004-12-16T01:04:00.000-08:00

Copied from the Hubby's blog, who knows where he got them.

01. I've had sex in the past five minutes. Is self pleasure sex?
02. I enjoy oral sex. yup
03. I scream loudly during sex. Not usually, but I have.

04. I love sleeping with more than two people. ,sex yes, sleep no.

05. I own at least two books about sex. hell yes
06. I've peeked into the locker room of the opposite sex. nope
07. I have taken money for sex. I have been tipped
08. I've had sex while under the influence of a controlled substance. Yes, but all legal substances.
09. I've been in porn movies. Only homemade
10. I have been the odd person in a threesome. Yup
11. I have published the sexual exploits of a past relationship without telling my ex. Not exactly. He reads this blog, or did, so he knows what I have said.
12. I have lied to a lover about having an affair. Nope, although my ex believes so
13. I have more than ten tattoos. None yet
14. I like and respect Jenna Jameson. She has a hell of a business sense.
15. I like slow sex. Sometimes
16. I have learned a lot sexually over the past year. Nope
17. I have a sexual fantasy about another blogger. yup
18. I've been told I'm a great lover. yup
19. I carry a condom at all times. Nope
20. I'm interested in trying suspension. I could be enticed
21. I've broken a bone while having sex. No, but I have sprained a muscle
22. I have had a wet dream that I am ashamed to reveal. Hasn't everyone?
23. I have had sex in the rain. Yep, and froze my ass off.
24. I have had sex while someone else watched. hehe You could say that.
25. I would get plastic surgery if it would improve my sex life. sure
26. I want to fuck right now! That could be inconvenient considering the bleeding
27. I like to play with food. Not really.
28. I like sex that's hard and fast. Oh yeah
29. I always brush my teeth after sex. Depends on who I am with and what I did.
30. I shave my pubic hair. Sometimes
31. I have traveled out of town to have sex. Yep
32. I have fantasized about having sex with my brother-/sister-in-law. Nope
33. I have had sex with a person from a country other than my own. No
34. I dress to look sexy every day. Yeah, those sweats do it for my hubby
35. I have had sex with twins. Not unless you count when I was pregnant.
36. I have had sex with someone I met over the internet. Yep, several times
37. I have more than ten sex toys. yes
38. I like the way I look naked. You have to be kidding me
39. I have lied to get a person to have sex with me. no
40. I change from one sex position to another in a specific order each time. no
41. I saw my parents having sex. no, but I have had to ask them to keep it down.
42. I get cable just for the soft porn. no
43. I think legalized prostitution can reduce some crime. Possibly
44. I have a list of people I would like to see naked. Hell yes, have you read my blog?
45. I am regularly tested for STDs. yep, once a year
46. I am one kinky bitch/bastard. That could be said about me.
47. I'm always hungry after sex. No
48. I enjoy phone sex. Hell no, I prefer the real thing.
49. I have been arrested for being naked in public. No, but I almost got arrested for having sex in public
50. I have had sloppy drunk sex with a stranger. yes, see 49.

Conversations

2004-12-15T23:35:00.000-08:00

Me: There will be a broom on the balcony so you can run the possum off that is in the garbage.

Him: Is that a joke?

Recovering from memories

2004-12-15T20:42:00.000-08:00

Reading Julie's post a few minutes ago, I was reminded of many, many memories and thoughts I'd had all those many hours spent waiting to see the kids in the NICU.

I realized recently that had Bella lived and assuming she would still have been born at 31 weeks, we would not have been novices to the NICU experience when we had the twins. I was left to wonder how much different her journey there would have been than the twins? My friend that had the 31 weeker made me realize just what it would have been like. Her experience in the NICU was so much better than mine.

Had Bella survived, I don't know if I would have seen her even as quickly as I saw the twins. I was so sick with her. I didn't see the twins for 24 hours (except a quick peak) after delivery, and I can't help but think it would have probably been more than 3 days with her. I didn't get out of L&D for 3 days, so I doubt I would have been allowed to see her before then. Torie was over a week old when I held her the first time. AJ was 3 days old. I had so many times I was told I couldn't even touch them, much less hold them. There were many times that I refused to let a nurse know they had made me cry, so I would simply "go to the bathroom" and cry.

It was really fucked up that the NICU didn't have a waiting room, and anyone like myself that stayed all day had to sit in the L&D waiting room. How cruel it was to see those moms and families rolled out on the way to a regular room. I sat there many an hour desperately trying not to cry. Sometimes I failed.

I watched parents take children home that entered the NICU after we did. It broke my heart. I was always excited for the parents that were there before us when they took a baby or babies home. I remember thinking how sad that poor mom must have been that her twins had been born a week before ours were. How sad she must have been to see our kids side by side, and watch hers struggle more than mine. She seemed to always take it in stride. I never saw her cry. Maybe she had already cried herself out. Maybe she went home every evening and cried.

I can't help but wish I had gone full term. I can't help but wish Bella were here with us. I cried so often, and still feel so guilty that I couldn't have been stronger, that I couldn't have held out longer. I feel guilty and sad that I am the reason my children had to suffer through so much. It scares me that they had to suffer so much, yet in the scheme of things, managed to miss so many possible complications. I can't begin to tell you how many bullets we dodged, that babies born at the same time didn't.

There is no real point to this, I am just getting it out.

Oh, there will be the same post on the kids' blog, but with a different slant. Few people that actually know me have this blog, but do the other.

2004-12-15T12:26:00.000-08:00

I don't have a title for this. First of all, I need to respond to Rachel. I can't seem to work up the energy to do much lately as I am sick. More on that in a minute.

Rachel, you asked how I got through it? I cried often. I prayed with every other breath, cried in between. I literally spent many hours laying on my bed, begging the twins to move. I rented a dopplar for a while so that I could hear them for reassurance. My doc also gave me tons of ultrasounds. (Instead of checking with the dopplar, he would do a quick u/s peak each visit. He wanted to see them as much as I did.) I don't know much personally about the issues you are facing. I can give you medical stats and stuff, but I feel sure you already know about that. I'll try to email you soon.

Back to me being sick. I don't know why I can't shake this. I am coughing a good bit, and am occasionally still having a low temp. I am thinking it's time to go to the doc seeing how it hurts to breathe. I can barely stay awake. I can't decide if that is because of the cold or because of the fact that I am working on my second period in the past 30 days. The last one lasted about 2 weeks. This one started like I was already in the middle of one. I can't even tell if the headache I have is because of the cold or my period.

On a good note, I have lost 16 lbs according to my scale. I really don't want to go to the doc's as his scale always adds about 10 lbs. I have been working hard to get my insulin resistance under control. I have finally given up cokes. That was the hardest thing for me. It really isn't the caffiene. Having pretty severe ADD I have never really found it hypes me up. If anything, I get a little more focused. However, I always really liked the acidic quality that it had, and didn't like any diet drinks. I really like diet sprite though. I just wished restaurants carried it. I am allowing myself the occasional coke whenever I eat out, but that is it. Next I have to work on cutting out the potatoes. Then breads. I think trying to do this all at once has been the problem for me in the past. It was just too much. I am doing pretty good with this path. I am trying to find ways to make my favorite recipes lower sugar and lower carb. *****side note here***** I am not actually doing the low carb high meat thing. However thanks to the PCOS that I have, I have to cut out sugary, high carb foods. I am actually doing a low GI index thing. It is all based off how foods affect my sugar. Much like the diets diabetics use. You can also eat low carb and still eat LEAN meat.

Hopefully I will be feeling better soon. This probably isn't lasting any longer than any one else's cold, I just have amazingly little patience with being sick.

Not so G rated (some may want to skip this post. Others.......

2004-12-13T18:26:00.000-08:00

RULES
Copy this entire list into your blog/journal
BOLD everything about you that is true.
Leave plain anything that is false about you.
Put an * at the end of false statements you would LIKE to be true.
Please include this credit: Copyright 2004, Garrison Steelle. www.churchofsteelle.com

I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.
I have blindfolded someone else during sex.
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex. (sometimes. I have also been known to wake up....even after an awesome session.)
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
I have had sex over a web cam.
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on.
I have been tied up during sex.
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I have a tickle fetish.
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building.
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.
I enjoy nudie magazines.
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I click on porn links in my email. (sometimes, not always)
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
Much of what I know about sex come from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on. (Sex turns me on....race doesn't factor)
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex. (several someones)
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
I have had sex under water.
I have had sex in the snow.
I am in a polyamorous relationship.(not currently, but have been)
I have to have music playing while having sex.
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover.
I stopped during this list to have sex.
Garrison Steelle turns me on. (The persona that comes through on the blog does. Can't say for sure never having met the man.)
I have fantasies involving Garrison Steelle.
I would pose nude for Garrison's camera if he promised to NEVER show them to anyone. (In a few years time and some personal goals met, who knows?)

How odd. There isn't much on this list that I would like to be true that I haven't already done. What about you?

Thinking

2004-12-13T17:32:00.000-08:00

I know I should shut up and be grateful for what I have. I defy anyone to tell me that they never ever think what if though.

I can't help but be a little sad that I know I will never know what it is like to carry a child to term. I wish I had at least tried the mag a third time. While no one really believed it would work, I wish I had tried. I just didn't have the emotional strength to do it anymore. I was alone most of the day and night. I had relatively few visitors, and never really got to see outside my tiny little room. My marriage was falling apart. I was really scared to spend too much more time there. I was so incredibly lonely. I think in the end, that was the reason I couldn't hang on. Yeah, I knew what was at stake. I wish I could have been a stronger person and a better mom.

I really suck at this parenting thing.

A connection

2004-12-13T15:11:00.000-08:00

It's stange the connections we sometimes feel to certain people or things isn't it? I was in the hopsital on bedrest, in fact just out of L&D, when I saw the news about Laci Peterson. I remember the message board of April o3 moms were talking about it. I immediately felt for her family. I laid there thinking about all that must be going through their minds. I felt mostly for Laci's parents. No matter what the circumstances, losing a child hurts.

I watched the news often, praying for a reslution, preferable a happy one, but any resolution. Then, things started pointing to her husband. I remember looking at my husband, wondering what could cause that to happen? Why didn't he just divorce her? What made him think he could get away with it?

I remember thinking how sad that I knew from my own experiences that there were ways to tell if they baby had ever breathed. I remember being horrified that Laci and the baby could be suffering.

I have wondered all along what information is there that we don't know. My heart breaks for both families. Scott's family because they have lost a grandchild and now a son. For Laci's family because they lost their daughter and grandson. I have no sympathy for Scott.

During my psych rotation, I met a patient that Scott reminds me so very much of. This man scared me. I never really knew if that man truly understand just how wrong what he had done was. I always suspected that he did know, but didn't care. He thought he should not have ever been in trouble for it. While that man may have understood that he did the crime, he didn't see that he should be punished. There was certainly no remorse. That was what scared me the most. How do you begin to "reform" someoen that has no remorse, that can admit no wrong doing? This man informed me that he had done this. When I specifically asked was he sorry for it, he responded......... "No, why on earth should I?" When I asked if he thought it was wrong, he said, "No." He never would talk about his reasons.

I can so easily see Scott Peterson responding to someone in much the same way. Being deepply interested in the psych field, I have to wonder why? I suspect there is very much we will never know. That may be a good thing.

May Laci and Conner's families begin to find a little healing and peace.

Oh, the memories

2004-12-08T21:17:00.000-08:00

In honor of Teria, I got to thinking about how hard those dark moments at the beginning are.

Let me start with the fact that so many people think that just because I finally have the children I dreamed of, I should never have a bad day, that I should never need time to myself. How wrong they are. If I don't take those few moments for myself, how can I be a good mom? Just because I got the rose garden I wanted, does that truly mean my little roses are thornless? Hell no!

I remember crying my way through so many of those first few days home. When it was just AJ and I, it was because Torie was at the hospital and I had no one to watch AJ for me to go see her. When she came home, it was because they were adjusting to a new home, because of the serious constipation issues (I can't find that post at the moment) they had when they came home, because of the promised help that didn't well, help. I was also crying and overwhelmed simply because of reaching the top of a mountain I had been attempting to climb for over 7 years. It was hormones. Yeah, even almost 3 months later it was hormones still.

I also remember some of the most wonderful moments of my life. I remember holding both of my babies in my arms for the first time. I remember my daughter smiling at me. I remember how she was so curious even then about the world around her. I rememer my son always looking at me like I was heaven to him. I remember both babies calming down as I sang "You are my sunshine" off key over and over and over. I remember that it made their Nana mad that it didn't work the same when she did the singing. (And nana has a very, very beautiful voice) I remember Torie smiling at her daddy like he was the most wonderful thing on earth. I remember waking up after realizing I had been allowed to sleep through a feeding to find Daddy and both babies sound asleep in the living room.

You simply work out a method or pattern for the day that works for you. At first, it is trial and error. I put both kids on Tony's side of the bed during the day in the bouncy, vibrating (man do I want one!) chairs. I would feed, change (enema), change again, and give meds, then snuggle. After a short bit, the other baby would wake up and I would switch them out. I usually ended up with both of them beside me at some point. Swings saved me, along with the little bouncy chairs.

You just get by. Before you know it, they are coming up on 2 years old. You find yourself wondering where the hell those little babies disappeared to. And as you pull that child off the dining table for the 3rd time in an hour and you pull the other child off the cat, you think back to those small wonderful moments and smile. Because those are the moments that save those same children and your sanity. And it doesn't matter if you have one child or 5, it's the same for every parent I have talked to, no matter what the history was for that person.

OK, so I have to share this. I know it gives too much personal info about me, but hell if anyone really wants to know it is all out there for them to find anyway. So, here is our new family photo site. Check it out. Most of these are in no particular order. You might try starting at NICU and working towards Dec 04. I am working on labeling the pics and putting them in some sort of order. There are a few that made it into the wrong albums also, but I'm tired! Later ya'll.

Oh, Julianna, you have made me so incredibly homesick lately.

Sad (and a little ADD today)

2004-12-07T18:06:00.000-08:00

I have been a little down today. It was a beautiful winter day, in the high 50's, low 60's. It was much like that in the days and weeks preceeding Isabella's delivery. I usually get a little down on days like today. Kinda odd huh?

So what is it with the salespeople? I live in an apartment complex. I am home during the day. This is a fact easily seen by the open curtains and blinds and the two tots running around. Are these people stupid? While I will be the first to admit I am not always smart about money, even I know not to buy products I can't afford most of the time. Do these salespeople really think I have money to buy? I mean come on! I am going to put a note on my door I think. I shouldn't have to deal with it.

I finally broke down today. I don't often bring out her memory box and album. I just needed to be as close to her as possible. I thought I was past most of this. Maybe it is just Christmas and her "birthday" coming up that has this bothering me this much. I am sitting here with her scrapbook open. There are several very special pictures in there. I am not sure if any will make it online. I had a very bad experience a few years ago, while pg with the twins actually, and am a little shy.

Cecily, this is just for you. I was lurking on Julie's site, and saw your comment about the mag. There are before mag pics and then the after. The only during I have is with Bella. Again, not sure I want to share that on this blog. ****Note to all who look at the pics, while I am a large person (insert fat) I do not go around looking like this normally. It is the side effects of the mag and the pre-eclampsia****

2004-12-06T20:33:00.000-08:00

So, check out the twins' blog for the latest with them. It's the link titled Ready or Not to the right.

I still have a cough, no fever anymore, and feel as if I am drowning. The drowning feeling not being from sinus drainage, but from the ling area. I suspect pnuemonia, but no definate diagnosis.

I do not have to write boards again, Thank God! However, I do have to do my 20 hours of continuing education. Then I will be issued a 6 month temp license that will allow me to work while doing a refresher coarse online. The L&D unit at the hospital I wan to work at is currently hiring. I just don't think I can go full time. Not to mention, I can make more money as a prn. I jst have to find a babysitter for Friday nights from about 5:30pm to 1 am. I would really rather not have the kids in day care if I can avoid it. I still haven't made up my mind to actually go back.

Have I said lately how much I love my husband? Yeah, he can be irritating as hell. Sometimes his lack of forethought can drive me absolutely bananas. I love him more than my luggage though.

I wish I felt better. I am so in the mood to cook. That reminds me, my gingerbread ornaments....a little sad. They will do for this year though.

Oh, before I run. Something to make your house smell yummy:

1 orange, sliced
1 tsp ground ginger
2 tsp ground cloves
1 cinnamon stick

add water and keep on low heat.

Still sick damnit!

2004-12-02T21:52:00.000-08:00

I thought I was slowly getting better. Well, NOT. My body has taken revenge on the many nasty, horrible things I have done to it in the past. I have an even higher temp now. My thermometer is determined I am sitting quite nicely at 97.7, I think the little bastard is lying. I feel feverish damnit. I should be in bed sleeping, but I feel too crappy to do so.

I am more than ready for the paycheck to hit the bank. I have shopping to do, and no amount of snot is going to keep me from it. I am all jazzed up wanting to do this suzy homemaker thing and make gingerbread ornaments for our tree. (hopefully that will go up this weekend.)

What is it about the lack of oxygen to my brain that comes with being sick that makes me horny? I have yet to figure it out. Nope, I can't breathe, but I really want to jump the hubby when he comes in tonight. I won't though, not enough energy to even just lay there.

Along the same topic, I placed a call to Rick's nurse today. They were in the other office, but since my file wasn't there, I called his main office. I am now on the end of my second week of bleeding. This is contributing to the current dry spell in my home. No pun inteded there, sorry. Rick, if you read this..........ablation ablation ablation. Did you get that? Ablation. If you do this, I will go away. You'll only hear from me every 6 months for my paps. Well, and my sleeping pills. hehe That is only once a year though.

I thought of something else in relation to going back to nursing. I didn't keep up with my CEU's. Because I haven't worked since my license lapsed (go figure, it's a freaking felony to do so....why do they think I would?) I need to do a refresher class. Not a big deal. Well, ok it is....it is a big $500 deal, but I can do that with our tax refund. I even found a place to do it online. My actual clinical skills should still be pretty good though. Anyway, the one big deal with all this.....I have to find a doc here in Dallas that will not fight me and actually give me Ritalin. Yep, I am have Adult ADD. Actually, I had it all my life, I just wasn't diagnosed until nursing school. It may be much easier to find a doc here than I think. But is was such a fight at home, I am a little nervous. I can bang out the CEU's without much problem. They are frightfully easy. I prefer to actually learn things rather than BS my way through. More to think about though.

Boy is Tony going to be surprised when he reads this! I started thinking about it earlier today, and haven't mentioned a word to him.

I can't believe what I have been thinking about

2004-12-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

I am actually considering going back to work in the next year. Nursing is where I can make the most money. The particular government agency I used to work for is not hiring. Not to mention, I can walk into a nursing job at double what I left that other job for. I would only do it prn, but that can be a really sweet deal. I don't need the benifits. I need the money.

I would have to sit my boards again, but in all honesty.......I can study for a couple months and do that. Here in Texas if you let your license go, you have to retake. I am actually still listed as inactive in MS. However, I hav to go back in that state to work for a while to then reactivate it. I could then switch it over to TX.

I left nursing because of the physical stress. I was finally getting to the point I was rather good at what I did. I was finally comfortable applying the book knowledge I had stored away in my head. Thanks to a really crappy first year and lack of support, I became really uncomfortable with it. I'd had some really good experiences here in Texas and was happy in the job. When I got pregnant with Bella I wanted something that didn't have me on my feet as much.

I find myself missing the charge of a busy ER. I was finally beginning to break out of the rut of Med/Surg I had gotten into. While good for a new nurse, I really wanted to find a specific area and get really good at it.

I have about a year to really think about it. I would like the kids potty trained before putting them in pre-school. I don't want to work full time. I even know where I want to work. I also know how much I have to make in order to offset the cost of daycare for twins. I also prefer night shift for working on a floor vs an office or specialty. hehe With my personal knowledge, I should try for a maternity floor. Many things to think about. I haven't even talked to Tony about it.

Last but not least thought for my day (I am sick you know) My babies will be 2 (TWO) in 57 days!!!!!!!!! Dear Lord, the time is flying.

A new fetish

2004-12-01T21:19:00.000-08:00

Well, not really....I mean breathing isn't exactly a fetish. Is it? I called it a fetish simply because being able to breathe without struggling would probably bring me to orgasm rather quickly at the moment. Will someone PPPPuuuhhhhlllllllleeeeeeaaaassssseee come deep suction me? I am unfortunately not dying. Actually, as congested as my sinuses are I might be. I might smother. If I bend at the waist it gets better when I then stand upright. I have fever at the moment. I have no idea how much, I can't be bothered to get up off my ass and find the thermometer. I have just done 3 loads of dishes (yes, that is just how far I have gotten behind here at home) and am too damned tired to hunt down that damned thermometer.

This reminds me too effing much of when I was pregnant with Isabella, right before I had her. I was sick like this. Isn't it funny what brings the memories back?

And just a warning......dear Dr Rick.............If you don't do that damned ablation soon, I am gonna kick your ass! (I don't know if he reads this blog or not. Damn, I hope not........that would explain a comment he made at last visit though.) I really was under the mistaken impression that I finished my period today. Boy, was I wrong. I am right back at full, heavy flow. This would be ok, but you would think that by week TWO, it would be fairly light. uummm NOT!

And just how wrong are Tony and I for going to the Children's Mass on Christmas Eve and probably NOT taking the kids? Due to the RSV threat that comes with the winter season, we aren't supposed to be taking the kids around other kids. This will be the first time in 5 years that I haven't been to a Midnight Mass and not working. My IL's are very active in the church, and somehow will be doing every mass except the 5pm. *sigh* I really love midnight Mass. It is so incredibly beautiful. MIL generally has a solo, and I love to hear her. However, she has offered to watch the kids so we can go. The twins slept through the midnight mass last year. I just don't foresee them being that cooperative.

I suspect that my family already has RSV. If this is the case, next winter will be very different. We shall see though.

I need a massage. Especially one of those sinus opening facial ones Mark does. My neck is so tense I can barely move it.

Sorry for all the rambling.

So, here is what I decided

2004-12-01T14:03:00.000-08:00

The other site (Ready or Not) is going to be my parenting blog. Now, because my family, the awesome doc, and friends read that one it will be g rated and generally all happy. My family has expressed it's opinion that unhappy things should remain private. Being that my husband is about the only adult I talk to and he can only stand so much bitching, I need an outlet. This (Just Keep Swimming) will be my outlet. If you want updates on me, the kids, or anything GOOD, feel free to go there. If you hang out here, you will probably find out things you have no interest in. If I post here, I feel like someone out there is listening. I get really tired of talking to myself.

SO, in summation......you might want to start going to the other site instead of this one. There is not a link from it here because of the above reasons. I will start giving that link as part of my "signature" in comments and emails.

Many, many thoughts......some not so G rated

2004-11-29T20:14:00.000-08:00

I need to bitch first. I hate cleaning. I suck at it. The only thing I suck at better..........well, you should be able to fill in the blanks. Even I find it amusing that an anal retentive freak like myself can be such a messy person at home. I am not this way anywhere else, just home. It doesn't help that I have a husband who bless his heart truly thinks that throwing something away means tossing it into the vague location of the garbage can. It also doesn't help that I have two tots that don't even begin to comprehend the concept at all. I get the main rooms of the house clean in the week, and by the end, it looks like all sorts of hell. It absolutely pisses me the fuck off to have to re-wash dishes that have been through the full cycle in the dishwasher, simply because someone doesn't pay attention to the loading of it.

That all being said, I will change topics now.

I really hate periods. They really mess things up for me. I have a tendency to have a sex drive to match most teenage boys. Needless to say, this makes the hubby (and a couple of girlfriends) rather happy. Sex was not an issue that was a problem for me with my ex husband. We had many problems, but that wasn't one. Unfortunately, by the end of my period, I am really ready to go completely crazy. This might not sound like much, but since my period can last from 2 minutes to 6 months. In order to get through that, I tend to turn my drive off somewhat. It can be rather difficult to get it back on.
I then spend as much as two weeks trying to get back to "normal" or whatever that is for me. Does this make me a sex addict? What is normal? It is not interfering in my daily life. I am not unsafe with my interests. I have had my moments of insanity, but most people I know can say the same. That's exactly what they were, moments. Not constant.

This is all eating away at me currently because I am smack in the middle of my period. Showers and vibrators are wonderful, but it still isn't the same.

I am trying to decide just how vivid of a picture to paint. I know what hubby and a couple others would say, but I am a little nervous at exposing myself quite that much here. There are many who read this strictly for the infertility and parenting side of me. They have no real interest in the deviant in me. Do I share this part of me so that what you see is what you get, or do I segment myself? It isn't like I really know anyone reading this, and the ones who do already know these deep, dark secrets.

HHhhhhmmmm Something for me to think about I guess.

Happy Thanksgiving! And a few other thoughts

2004-11-24T23:08:00.000-08:00

I should be sleeping, cooking, bathing, washing clothes. Take your pick, any and all of those things need to be done. I can't bring myself to cook anything else at the moment. I can't bring myself to go outside in the cold (36 degrees) to wash clothes. I can't drudge up the energy to bathe, and I can't seem to make myself go to sleep. I think I am getting a strong indication that my insomnia is coming back. I have been having the wierdest and worst dreams lately. They wake me up in a sweat and with tears. Sometimes, they are simply odd. I dream about people I don't really know all that well. I have had to fight the urge to call people I barely know lately, because I usually feel like something is wrong.

I made a scrumptious pumpkin roll. Even I think it is pretty yummy. My MIL tells me we can't have a holiday without it. While I am really happy it is that well liked, I would love a chance to show off my other dishes. I am better with desserts than anything else.

I am rebuilding Isabella's website. It is sad yet healing for me. It hurts so much sometimes. I am not sure what her site will include, but I am working on it. When I saw pics of my friend M's 31 weeker, I couldn't help it......I cried. I am really hoping the website will help. I will then work on the family one, and the one for the twins. Do I do one for each kid, or one for both? Something to think about anyway.

My eyes have been hurting a lot lately. I am beginning to think it is about time for a new eye doc visit. I am trying to hold out until refund time.

I hope everyone has a good thanksgiving. I have much to be thankful for.

1. My husband
2. My kids
3. My marriage that seems to be suriving the affair
4. My friends
5. My ability to make a damned good pumpkin roll

2 years ago

2004-11-21T21:02:00.000-08:00

At this time, 2 years ago, I was so incredibly innocent about what my future would be. I wasn't expecting to spend a month in the hospital.

I have found myself thinking lately that something is missing. I feel like I have lost an opportunity I can never get back. I was raised by a mother that regrets so much in her life. She lives in fear of those regrets. She attempted to pass this on to me, but it simply guaranteed I had almost none. Many of my regrets, but not all have to do with my children.

Isabella was the closest thing to a "normal" pregnancy I will ever have. With Andrew and Victoria there was nothing normal. I didn't even get to enjoy some of those normal pregnancy things. I didn't with Bella really either, but I think looking back that I enjoyed her pregnancy more. With the twins I was so afraid of it all ending at any moment. Between all the problems that occured, I didn't get to enjoy it. Even as a nurse I can't imagine a more high tech pregnancy. Yes, that high techness brought me many, many, many reassurances. It also kept me from being able to pretend all was "normal" with it.

The thought has crossed my mind of having another. But I finally realized what my heart is wanting is not another baby. I am happy with what I have. Well, ok, I would. I would have Bella here too. But no new babies. What I want are all those missed experiences. I want to be able to redo my pregnancy history, and change the things they kept me from experiencing life as it should have been. But that isn't going to happen.

As you may can tell, I don't have very much experience with regrets. Can you actually regret something that you didn't do to cause the problem or event? I can't change the fact that I was dying with pre-eclampsia. I can't change the fact that I have antiphspholipid antibody syndrome. I can't change the fact that because of that, my body clots my babies off. I can't change the fact that I had gestational diabetes. Does that mean I can't regret them? Oh well, I do.

It took almost 2 years. I have finally reached a new stage in my life with all this. I think maybe I am beginning to unpack and finding ways to become comfortable in my new house. This is a good thing, but anyone who has moved should understand that it takes a while to get unpacked and to finally settle on where everything should go.

Where do I start?

2004-11-21T07:35:00.000-08:00

Let's see.

1. My son is either so smart he's stupid or else.....well, he's ummm not all that bright. So far this morning he has gotten his head stuck inside a table (it is an octagon with sections cut out of the side) and he got his zipper stuck on the handle of his dresser. I don't really know how either of these occurances happened, but I am beginning to think we will have to get rid of ALL our furniture.

2. Being told the car insurance was going to be $5 more than I budgeted sent me into a tailspin of depression and panic. Yes, that's how broke we are.

3. We are really broke. We got behind on some bills and are playing catch up. Until Dec 6, we have NO money.

4. A good friend had her baby at 31 weeks. Besides the obvious worries I have for them, it really kind of hurts. Yes, I am jealous that her 31 weeker is alive, while mine is sitting in the world's tiniest brass urn 30 minutes from me. I am jealous that when my babies were born, I had to have a section and it was over 24 hours before I got to touch them. M was holding her baby within hours. I don't begrudge her this. I am simply sad I couldn't have these experiences. I am sad for what coudl/should have been.

That all being said, Welcome little Kaleb.

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens

2004-11-18T18:17:00.000-08:00

This is for you Zette!!

Things that make me happy:
- My babies........all 3 of them
- My husband's laugh
- My bed
- Fresh sheets on my bed with tight corners
- Knowing my friends are happy
- My family (most days anyway lol)
- Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream (without the joy of the PCOS reaction)
- French Fries
- Holidays
- Giving someone a gift they really wanted
- Jewelry
- Great sex
- Parties
- Lilies
- Lotions and bubble bath
- Coke first thing in the morning
- Catalogs (I love looking at catalogs)
- Music that makes me want to sing or dance
- Having my hair played with
- Getting a great haircut
- Babies
- Sleeping late
- Hot chocolate
- Looking through photos
- freshly cleaned carpet
- freshly cut grass
- rain (when I can stay in bed all day)
- surprises

What are a few of your favorite things?

A passing but naughty thought

2004-11-16T14:12:00.000-08:00

Does anyone besides me think really naughty thoughts when they see/hear a commercial for the show Wife Swap?

Yet another rambling post

2004-11-16T13:40:00.000-08:00

I think I need adult interaction. You would think after a recent weekend that I would not feel quite so needy, but I do. I am posting comments in other blogs more, and I keep compulsively hitting the refresh button.

I am gearing up for the holidays. I really love baking and cooking for them. I cooked my first Thanksgiving when I was 9. My mom was on bedrest with my younger brother, and plans had been to do it at our house. Thanksgiving, not childbirth. Anyway, I asked if I could do it with some supervision, so I did. I do this really awesome Pumpkin Roll . I am actually a great cook. Not Le Cordon Blu by any means, but pretty great. I really look forward to the day I have a home big enough to have the family dinners at my home. I love planning parties but haven't had much chance to do that since coming to Texas. I hope I can eventually.

More bad mothering

2004-11-16T13:31:00.000-08:00

The girl wouldn't take her nap today. See Dooce for the importance of napping. I left her in there like normal, but all she was doing was keeping the boy awake. So, I saved her from the evil sleep demons. We played, she peed through her diaper (working on why that is happening), and after the boy woke up we ate lunch. At the end of lunch, she decides to start crying. That was at 1. She cried until 3. I was suddenly drowing in the quietness that having only one awake child can bring. I looked over and she was leaning over our wing backed chair, feet on the floor, sound asleep. That i MY daughter there folks. That baby loves sleep. She smiled at me when I picked her up. When I put her in her crib, she smiled again as she rolled over, picked up her snuggle pooh blanket, and waved, then went back to sleep. The kid is either going to be awake until 3 am, or wake up at 3 am.

On a side note, her brother is running around yelling "Tor Tor". This is what we call her. I have no idea how that got started. I pick beautiful names like Andrew and Victoria, and we shorten names to AJ and Tor Tor.

My greatest mothering fear has come to visit

2004-11-15T13:51:00.000-08:00

No, not my mother. Snot. I really, really hate snot. I used to bribe the respiratory therapists and other nurses to suction my patients, or to collect that sputum sample for me. I was more than willing to do every blood draw on the damned floor rather than stick a cup of snot in a baggie and send it down a shute.

I worried when it finally seemed I might manage to bring a creature home with me that I would have to suck snot from them. This was the one aspect of care I was more than happy to turn over to the nurses in the NICU. I was more than willing to start an IV on my own babies, but I would have no part in the snot.

Well, the first cold of the year has hit our home. I have it as do the twins. Well, just the boy and I really. The girl seems ok. Grumpy as shit, but ok. The boy and I are both copious producers of that nasty commodity.

On another note, I am stupid. I get rid of the kids for the day (MIL offered to take them....woohoo) and what do I do? I don't sleep, I clean! I have really clean carpets, and my house smells great. However, I feel like I am drowning now. NOT a good sign.

Yeah, I am pissed off again

2004-11-14T01:23:00.000-08:00

Comments like these piss me the fuck off. These being from Holly, not the actual post. Why oh why does anyone think they have a place saying something like this to someone who has just recently lost her babies? Isn't this all between God and the people involved? I really thought we were not supposed to sit in judgement of others. Isn't that God's place?

I have very strong political and religous beliefs, but I rarely go around spouting it to others. If I disagree with someone's actions, I pray for them, not ridicule them or make them feel bad.

Could Holly truly have thought her thoughts, feelings, questions would not HURT Cecily? Even if she didn't mean to, did she not think they could? If that was the case, if she truly didn't realize that her actions were hurting Cecily, how? How could she not realize it? How careless and unobservant to not notice.Maybe, she should spend more time trying to better herself than others.

May Holly never, ever know the pain of a child lost. Be it by her own necessary choice, or by God's will.

Oh, and Holly, if you read Cecily's blog and the link to Isabella's story, please feel free to comment. I look forward to whatever damage you feel you can do. Having walked in the shoes of Cecily with the pre-eclampsia, and having should have been dead myself, I can say that I completely feel that were I in her shoes, I would have made the same choice.

So incredibly tired

2004-11-12T08:28:00.000-08:00

I don't know why. I just can't get enough sleep. I will think I have, and then after beeing awake for a few hours, I can barely keep my eyes open. I can only suspect I am about to start. I have to get all that crap worked out still.

I found a great book. Well, I think it is great. Hopefully, it will help. I can't seem to stay awake long enough to finish it.

I have actually gained weight in the past few weeks. I don't know why. My eating habits haven't changed. I have noticed my feelings about my weight getting darker and deeper lately. I am almost tempted to go strict low carb for a bit, just for the self esteem I will get from losing even a small bit.

I used to be anorexic. I worked hard to gain weight for 3 years. At 14, I weighed in at 82lbs. When I started my senior year of high school, I had struggled to gain up to 92 lbs. Yes, It took the entire time. I didn't try to just pack on calories, I worked out almost compulsively. I was actually working out anywhere between 1-3 hours a day, kickboxing, running, walking, lifting weights, trying desperately to increase my weight the good way. Somehwere in my senior year, this all changed. I met my ex husband. I started eating badly, I stopped working out, and I stopped liking myself. My ex doesn't know even as of today what kind of life I had before him. (These changes were not his fault. He was the catalyst, not the cause.) I suspect, that around the end of my senior summer, is when my PCOS kicked in. I quite literally went to bed at one size and woke up another. I think that year, I put on about 15 lbs. This really wasn't a big deal, I was actually just slightly above my ideal weight. The increase was as steady as it had previously been stable.

I don't know how to reverse this. Oh, I kow all the basics. I tell myself I managed to overcome a drug habit, alone, at 14. I managed to change my life then and completely turn it around. I can do this, I can lose all this weight. I am at 196 lbs according to my doc's scales. I should weight about 110 lbs. That was where I have looked my best, not too skinny, not too fat. That gives me a cushion of about 10 lbs I can gain or lose. That is 86 lbs I have to lose. Some will say I am wanting to be too skinny, but I am 4'11". I can't have much more than 110 lbs on my small framed body.

I need to explore all my options I think. I need to research my excersise options. I have trouble doing many things as the bones in my feet are fused together. It makes the equivalent of a sprained ankle, only the sprained muscle it on the top of my foot. It really sucks. Tony wants to loose weight too, but I can't provide all the answers for us both. I have to figure it all out myself, then maybe I can help him. Maybe I can help myself once I get it all figured out.

Luck

2004-11-10T09:11:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me will tell you I have the worst luck of most anyone they know. I usually agree. I guess I still do. I have just recently had an epiphany. Btw, for my sweet hubby, that means that even if YOU know this, it doesn't apply to me until I know it. Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that maybe all that bad luck was a way of storing up all my good luck so that when I finally had the twins, they would be so outstandingly OK.

We by some miracle, managed to escape 12 weeks of prematurity with hardly a scratch. I say that, even while listening to my son cough. My heart breaks for him that he is not going to escape this cold season without breathing treatments. His dad was much the same as a child. I never had actual asthma, but was always a sickly child. They will most assuredly need glasses one day, but that was a genetic given anyway. According to research, they will stand a much higher risk of having ADD/ADHD. That too was a genetic given seeing as both parents wear glasses and have ADD or ADHD.

Being parents with these issues I think has given as an advantage over some parents facing this. These are not hardships really to us, just something to deal with.

We saw children born all around us in the NICU. Some were born before out kids, and left after. Some were born after and left before. Some, were born after and left after. Some of these children were older in gestational age, some were younger. Even the doctors were amazed with the twins though.

I remember on a daily basis never being sure when enough was enough. I remember having many talks with the neonatologists. I remember feeling terrified to leave the hospital. I was always scared that I would leave, and something would happen. I was so scared I wouldn't be there. I couldn't bare the thought of them being alone.

Some of those NICU moments were awesome. Some, while still awesome, were horrible. I'll let that be the lead in to my next post. Time to play with the babies before nap.

Natural vs ?????? What, unnatural?

2004-11-03T13:10:00.000-08:00

Yes, this is another one of my rants. On a blog a read, Tertia was criticized previously for the c-section she's planning. This pisses me off.

When I got pg with Bella, I was into all that. I decided I could do a vaginal delivery. But I must say, this was all because having been a nurse I knew I couldn't say I wanted a section and get one. And let me tell you, the idea of pushing something out of there scared the living hell out of me. So, knowing all this, I decided that I felt sure I needed to come to terms with all this. I decided that also, and only because, I was even more scared of a needle in my back, that I could do it without the epidural. I studied hypnobirthing at home, and already being rather talented at self hypnosis(I was 23, and had been doing the self thing since 14.), felt confortable with this. It worked btw. Yes, I did take IV medication for pain. I would hope that my nursing license means I have a brain. While I may have reported to the nurses that my periods were worse than any contraction I felt, I have to say, my periods are pretty fucking painful. Why would I not take pain meds? Also, I was delivering a dead child. In "normal" childbirth, the child actually helps itself be born. I won't go into the mechanics, but it is a medical fact. Anyway, when I got pg with the twins, it suddenly (I don't know why this fact excapes me when planning to get pg.) that these kids would have to find some way out of my body. I immediately hyperventilated, and started crying and begging my lovely Rick to NOT make me push a single thing out of my twat. I couldn't revisit what was one of the most beautiful, yet emotionally painful things I have ever done.

He calmed me down. We discussed things, and without really giving me an answer sent me home. Well, I somehow forgot I didn't have an answer. I went home, and started my birth plan. While doing it, I started thinking back to Bella's pregnancy. I had a very complete, comprehensive birth plan. Another thing the nursing did for me was give me the ability to know/find everything that could possibly happen. Bella's birth plan was around 5 pages. The twins, not even half a page. I wanted to have 2 live births. For me, this was crucial, and non negotiable. The second thing I wanted.....to be awake for the delivery. I didn't want to wake up and be told one or more was dead. The last thing....I wanted to attempt to breast feed. This "pitiful" as one nurse called it birth plan was actually in my chart when I went to the hospital in labor at 24 weeks. I made them post it on the goals board in my room. A few astute/experienced nurses understood without reading my history or without being told, that something was in my past to cause this simple birth plan.

After posting all this, yes, I will admit that I was and still am a little sad. I am sad that I was no longer without issues. I was sad that I had so many emotional issues that I just couldn't bring myself to deliver vaginally again. I was sad that I lived a very real possibility of having the whole damned experience happen again. I was happy when I found out that AJ was breech. I wasn't exactly sad that his placenta was too close to my cervix (slightly overhanging) to keep my doctor from being happy with attempting a breech delivery of him. I wasn't unhappy that Torie was transverse and not even a possibilty for vaginal delivery.

I have said before that I am sad about my birth experience. This is true for all you "naturalists" out there. But make DAMNED sure you read this next part. I am sad that my first child was dead, I am SAD that I was so fucking traumitized by this fact that I couldn't bring myself to vaginally deliver the twins. No, this wasn't the medical communities fault. Believe me, I sure as hell tried to find someone to blame. Facts are this........my child died. It was pretty damned traumatic. All the midwives and homebirthing in the world can't change that. Many women deal with their own emotional trauma scarring. Some, like Fluid Pudding had circumstances that would have them still pushing were they of that mindset. Others such as Tertia above, have medical issues that simply call for the section. And yes, many are done unnessecarily these days. Come on people, there are many, better causes to speak up for. Do you really, truly believe that you are accomplishing anything other than HURTING some of us with your naturalist attitudes? Why don't I come to your house and force you into something you can't simply handle? Making me give birth vaginally to the twins with my emotional issues would have amounted to a rape for me. (Yes, I have been raped, twice, in the traditional sense, so I CAN fucking say that.)

Deja vu

2004-11-03T01:04:00.000-08:00

I have spent the day having flashbacks. 4 years ago, I sat in training listening and watching the last election. I am not going to get into my political views here. I have them, never fear. However, I am going to talk about my other feelings and thoughts about that night. I sat there, holding my large pregnant belly. I was excited about that election, more so than I had ever been. I knew I was watching my child's future start taking shape in front of my eyes.

I sat there, so incredibly innocent. There haven't ben many times in my adult life that the word innocent applied to me.....not in any area of my life. I was though. I just thought I knew about loss. I thought I knew about happiness. I didn't know squat. In 3 months, I would say goodbye to that precious, beautiful baby girl. I would later sit and watch as several of the most horrifying moments of my life occurred. Sept 11 was like re-living her loss. Both events stripped me of many levels of innocence, and a sense of security. Earlier in 2000, I lost my best friend. That took those same things from me.

I sat here today, thinking about all these things. I couldn't stop that panic from happening. I couldn't prevent the thought that what if there was a cycle, and it was starting over? What if the characters in this play were different, but the result was the same? I fought it, but barely. I am scared. I was just as excited today as I was 4 years ago. I have even more I can lose though. I sincerely hope and pray that 2005 is going to be a better year than 2001 was. I don't have much innocence left can be taken.

And last but not least..........Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!!!!!!

What I am thankful for

2004-11-01T14:21:00.000-08:00

I have to share this. I updated the photo show I did before. It is larger, and takes longer to download. In order to protect the ones that are suffering at the moment, I would rather post it there than here. Thanks!

A couple of thoughts

2004-11-01T12:14:00.000-08:00

I am tired. My very sweet hubby let me sleep this morning. Well, to tell the whole story I couldn't sleep last night. So, I got up with the twins thia am. I woke him up at 8:30 this morning. We spent 30 minutes all together, then I went to bed. I slept so wonderfully until hubby came in to get ready for work after the twins were down for nap. lol I think I feel tireder now than before though.

I also hurt my foot. It's not a big deal. It's an old injury. Actually, the bones in the top of my feet are fused together. Let me tell you, it makes anything challenging at times! Excersice is very interesting. When I worked out for the first time last week, it was my foot that hurt, not my old, overweight body. Oh well, I'll baby it a bit and it will get better.

My 29th birthday is Wednesday. It has brought many thoughts to me. I wish we had the money, time, and babysitter to be able to go away for the weekend. We don't though, so I'll get past that. For this year though, I am thankful for all that I have. I have had 5 years with Tony. Not necessarily all happiness, but I'm happy I have been with him. I am thankful for the twins that he gave me. I also am thankful for Bella. Yes, even knowing how that turned out, I would do it over again. I would do it again, knowing how much it hurt(s) in the end, simply because I would never want to miss out on the experiences I had with her. Those were some of the most beautiful of my life.

Speaking of, I wonder how much of my depression is because of how much I wish things were different? I should not have had to miss out on introducing Bella to her twin siblings. I should not have had to miss watching as she got to know them, and they her. My heart hurts a little at what the past 7 years have done to me.

I feel guilty also. I know that my push to have children helped to make sure we were in this precarious financial position. Had I not though, I really don't believe I would ever have had biological children. I have pretty severe PCOS. PCOSers traditionally don't have good egg quality, and it doesn't get better with age. Add in my autoimmune/blood clotting disorder, and my future fertility was rather bleak. I don't really regret our decision. I just wish it could have had better financial results. I can still be pg. At this point should we ever decide to do it again, we would have to do IVF. There is pretty much no way we can ever afford that. For one, there is the basic financial burden that IVF itself creats, and second, we already are obligated to the twins to provide. And lets not forget the fact that I would be such a nutcase while dealing with it all. What a great wife and mom I would be then!

I can dream though! All of those dreams include what I already have. I can't begin to imagine life without having Tony, Bella, and the twins in it. I wouldn't ever want to either.

I have given it time.

2004-10-31T23:31:00.000-08:00

I am at the point with DH that while I have forgiven, all is not over, nor forgotten. I am not sure I will ever forget. I am not at that point with her, Nor do I ever believe I will be. I wrote her a long letter right after I found out. She never responded. I am forced to assume from that, that she did it with full knowledge. Knowledge of how it would hurt me, my marriage, my children. She I am left to assume that she cared not for how it could hurt me that I thought she was a friend. I am left to assume that she was only "friends" with me in order to be near my husband, hoping to have what was mine. I am forced because of her silence to believe all that was done, was done in malice.

On another note, I had an interesting email. I won't go into detail, but Tony's ex emailed me today. She has had another baby, a boy, born Oct 9. I find this funny, as she swore after her last child that she would never have another. Anyway, those who read this that know the situation will know why this is all so very interesting.

Another heartwenching goodbye

2004-10-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

Cecily said goodbye to her baby today. She said goodbye to her other little baby yesterday. This is so very unfair. Please, if you get the chance, go over and leave her a note. Don't post any platitudes. They won't help. Just simply let her know you are thinking of her, her spouse, and her babies.

A Not So Happy Post

2004-10-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

For any out there that are concerned, afraid that I am going off the deep end, please, take to heart and really hear what is in this post.

I am healing. It is a slow process though. You know the old saying, "Please be patient, God's not finished with me yet."

I have said this before, but I don't think people truly understand. You would never, ever expect someone who has had cancer to just get past what they went through, to forget about it all. You expect the trauma of having a a disease that could eventually kill them to stick with them for a while. If someone has breast cancer, and has a breast removed, you don't expect them to not have repercussions of that.

While I am not minimizing what Cancer patients go through, I m trying to make the point that just why am I supposed to be past losing out on something that was supposed to be so beautiful, that turned to ugly so quickly? I am so extremely grateful for the twins. But you know what? It just simply does not take away the fact that I have lost 8 pregnancies, and a daughter that should have lived. It doesn't erase the fact that I have never, not even once, had the chance to have a baby with sense of normalcy. I spend my pregnancies praying, begging God, and attempting to savor every second that I have. You see, I know it can disappear at any second.

I felt that way my entire pregnancy with the twins. Yes, I enjoyed many parts of it. But when odds showed they would quite possibly go the way of all their siblings, just how am I supposed to forget all that and go back to being blissfully innocent to all that can happen? Do people not understand that unfreaking fortunately, that rather severely colors any experience you will have in the future. It all becomes a part of what you are, of who you are. Nothing can change that, not even a "positive" experience.

I have memories of the NICU, that really equate to being in a war zone to me. I have had patients hold a knife to my throat, a gun to my head. I have been raped twice in my life. Those NICU experiences were a fight for me. I was fighting for my babies lives. I had to take a passive seat though. I am a control freak. I used to be a nurse. Can you even begin to imagine my horror at not being able to do a single thing to help my tiny infants to fight for their lives?

Please, check this blog out. There is a very eloquent post there about what NICU parents feel and face. Also, this is a list of Do's and Don'ts for NICU nurses. Check it out, please. It is very enlightening. Also, this is absolutely touching. Also, the next time you have a few minutes in a book store, spend a few minutes looking through this book, or any of the ones on this page. They are very informative.

I'll admit, I am an odd duck

2004-10-20T20:51:00.000-07:00

Most of my posts lately have ben rather dark. I can't say this one will be any better, but it will be different. Many, rambling thoughts and ideas are probably going to come out.......simply because they are all floating in my head.

I love my husband. I love how I know he will be there when things get tough for me. (We are working on the part where he flakes out when things are good.) I love what a great friend he is, even if he cause the problem. I love what a great father he is, even when he didn't want children to begin with. I love how he takes care of me. I love how he laughs when I say something he just wasn't expecting.

There are many things that attracted me to him. Well, once we actually met in person anyway. Online, it was his sense of humor that got me. In person, it was his eyes. It was also his hands. Both turn me on in so many ways.

As a preteen and teen, I never developed crushes on celebrities. As an adult, I think I might have a few. The men especially are the ones that always amaze my husband. Give me a man that seems psychotic, and I seem to go for him. (Especially if he has georgous blue eyes.) Usually, these men are older. No, I don't have issues with my dad. My mom, yes. My dad, no.

So, having said that, here is a list of my top celeb picks that I would sleep with given the chance. They are not necessarily in order of preference............let's face it, none are going to happen so why bother? (Not that anyone cares, I just wanted to talk about it.) I wonder if the list will still look this way in a year? Let me know who is on your list.

1. Miguel Ferrar
2. Angelina Jolie
3. John Malkovich
4. Val Kilmer
5. Megan Mullally
6. Johnny Depp
7. Kate Beckinsale
8. James Spader
9. Marisa Tomei
10. Keanu Reeves
11. Ashley Judd
12. Nicole Kidman
13. Drew Berrymore
14. Nicolas Cage
15. Rachel Ray
16. Emeril Lagasse
17. Bobby Flay

Ok, I know the last three are unsual choices, but come on, they can COOK! A man that can cook just so turns me on, and Rachel is just cute. lol

What should have been

2004-10-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

I have a friend (sort of) that just welcomed via c-section identical twin boys at 37 weeks. Both boys were born over 6 lbs.

While I would never, ever wish on J what we experienced in the NICU, I get really upset that someone who gets all that she wants so very easily had no problems and gets to take both babies home with her in a few days.

What did I do to deserve to have to lose all those babies, to have almost died myself, to have to spend a week for morning sickness and 4 weeks for premature labor in the hospital, to have to sit idly by and watch my babies fight for life? What did I do that makes me deserve to know that had my twins not been born early, my body could very easily have killed them?

On Saturday, I will "celebrate" the 7 year anniversary of my 1st miscarriage. I will celebrate the beginning of the end of what remained of my innocence. It will be the beginning of things to come that would rock the foundation of all my beliefs. The beginning of my broken heart.

Many will tell me to be happy with what I have. I should be. But with each thing I truly find happiness in, in some way it is a reminder of what I lost, of everything I had to say goodbye to. I know I am supposedly "lucky" to have the twins. I thank God for them daily. I also beg Him to take away the pain of what I have lost. That has yet to happen.

My reality when the twins were born was not being able to stare into my children's eyes. I had to ask permission to touch them. I didn't hold my daughter until she was over a week old. My son was 5 days old I think. I wasn't able to rest. I had to be there in order to maintain a connection with the twins. I had to be there to make sure they were taken care of correctly. (I couldn't help that......too many years as a nurse makes me not trust others care. I have SEEN what happens when no one is with the patient.) I didn't get to hold both my babies at the same time until they were HOME. Even when they were side by side, we weren't allowed.

I am thankful for them. I also knew what my reality could be. I spent every second of those long weeks, days, hours, minutes they were in the NICU wondering if we could afford to buy a niche next to Bella, if I would have to wear the same maternity dress to thier funeral that I wore to Bella's. I wondered if I had the mental ability to go through it all again.

I deal with family that thinks I am over protective because since we can't afford the RSV shots again, I don't take the kids out. Family who thinks that if I would just expose them, they would be better off. I just can't take the chance. If one ends up in the hospital again, I don't really have anyone to watch the one child. I would then be making the choice of which child needs me more again. I simply can't do that.

So, am I envious that someone gets pg with twins, when she supposedly wasn't trying, after already having 2 beautiful children at home, and never having experienced loss of fertility problems? You bet I am. Am I jealous that the same someone managed to go full term, while I simply laid in a hospital bed begging for God to just get my babies to 28 weeks? To get my babies there without killing my kids? Am I jealous that she had a relatively problem free pregnancy, while about the only things I didn't experience were a prolapsed cord? Yep, I am. Again, I would never, ever wish those things on someone else. I just am envious that I had such a long, ardous journey. I am still so emotionally scarred from everything I experienced that it affects me daily. Both longer lasting pregnancies almost cost me my marriage. This friend has a housekeeper and an experienced nanny of multiples to help her. Tony and I didn't have anyone. We battled through it all alone. Again, almost costing us each other.

Best wishes to J, D, O, C, and the new boys. Enjoy your final night of possible sleep for a while!

I interrupt this emtional outpouring of my soul

2004-10-16T23:07:00.000-07:00

to state publicly that if my neighbors don't go the hell to bed and turn the damned music and kids off I am gonna lose it on them! It is after midnight and there are no less than 6 kids running and screaming in and out of that apt. There is currently a kid sitting outside my door crying. Being that I don't speak spanish, I have no idea why. It's irritating to say the least, worrying too. I know I am a bit anal retentive about the twins sleep schedule, but you know what? I have HAPPY kids during the day, and I am happier for being that way! The twins nor I have been able to go or stay alseep tonight. They keep waking up crying and I am honestly not much better. This is several nights in a row that this has been going on.

UUGGHHH I swear, I will NOT spend from now until our lease is up this time next year listening to this.

My next post will be on the twins pregnancy, and all the emotional stuff (and physical) I dealt with. Truly, I think infertility gives you post traumatic stress syndrome.

Follow him I did.

2004-10-16T18:33:00.000-07:00

It took me 9 weeks to be able to go back to work. It took months for my body to stabilize from being so sick. I remeber taking naps during the day, and waking up just screaming, crying, and begging for God to give her back.

I had taken the depo shot (in a short, startlingly rational moment) before leaving the hospital. The nurse in me (who excelled in psych) must have managed to find a voice. I knew that in the dark moments I would have in the near future that I might try something stupid. You see, Tony didn't even want to think of ever trying again. He lost his daughter, and I came rather close to death myself. He was scared. I had taken the shot as a way of keeping myself from trying to get pg behind his back. I also knew I couldn't take the chance on it happening so that my body could heal.

I did follow Rick to his new office. I had a checkup there, and we talked about all the options out there for us. He made me go to a rheumatologist. During the pregnancy with Bella, Rick had diagnosed me as having APS. I had taken the baby aspirin daily, but we all agreed that something more HAD to be done if I wanted to have a living child without adoption. During the pregnancy with Bella, nothing came back abnormal with my labs except my ANA was +. Not in itself something that would allow a true diagnosis of APS. I had no s/s of it except when pg. Even the rheumatologist agreed that something was going on, but wouldn't say what.

Rick had us try to get pg for a year, planning to treat the APS if I did. Unfortunately, the PCOS had progressed and it never happened. He then gave me Provera to regulate my cycle, and then had me start the clomid. Actually, the month before starting the Provera he had me start daily injections of Lovenox. The maternal fetal medicine doc and the senior partner in his office that monitored this with Rick all agreed that since my losses were early (I usually knew I was pg about 8 days before my period was due, I am just sensitive to the hormones.) that I needed the help with implantation, and for everything to be as perfect as we could make it before the egg landed.

That was in July of 2002. That first cycle failed. Well, sort of. I didn't have the severest form of overstimulation, but the level below it. All was being readied for me to have to go to ICU over it. Everything had seemed good, but I simply didn't get pg then. We did it all again the next month. Rick and Tony both prayed that we didn't have to do the semen analysis or the post coital test. You see, while Rick and I liked each other, he and Tony had known each other since high school and didn't. (It was a complete miracle that we found him.) Neither wanted to go that route. The next month, in August, it worked. I didn't even think I had ovulated. We had already decided to take the next month off, and just regroup. I did a pregnancy test, just to be sure before starting a diet, and got a huge shock. It was positive before I could even lay it down.

The recovery

2004-10-16T17:59:00.000-07:00

When Dr V delivered the placenta, she said she saw what looked like a blood clot the size of her fist on the maternal side of it. We wouldn't know for sure until the autopsy was complete.

We had been told we would have her for up to 24 hours after delivery. They placed her on the warmer, keeping it on whenever she wasn't in our arms. I was so terribly sick that I couldn't do any of the things a mom does for her newborn. Looking back, I wish I had at least thought to have someone bathe her. Instead, in all of our pictures, she has that newborn coating (the vernix) on her.

I think Rick completely stole a part of my heart when the next day, as I was holding her (she was really just laying on a pillow as I couldn't hold onto a feather then.) and ran everyone out of the room. Tony was already out of the room. He then sat down at my bedside and then held Bella and I and cried with us. This was personal to him. In all fairness though, all his patients are personal to him. He cares. At that moment, I knew that wherever he went into practice, I would follow him.

I didn't leave L&D until the 18th. I was sent home on the 19th.

According to the autopsy, Isabella simply went to sleep and never woke up. The placenta died. We still aren't sure if the blood clot caused the placenta to seperate and die and for the pre-eclampsia to happen, or if the pre-e happened, causing the placenta to seperate and the blood clot to form. Which ever, she died. There was obviously clotting going on. She also had some rather large clots in the placenta, along with in her lungs. I live every day knowing that my body killed her. I will never know if I had taken the heparin if she would be here now. All I know is she isn't.

I wrote all this out for several reasons. First, I just needed to get it all out. At one time, Bella had her own website. It no longer exists, and I felt the need to connect with her lately. Secondly, I hope maybe it can help others. Third, I am feeling the need to attempt to let go, and to move on. My next entry will be on the topic of our next step.

The delivery

2004-10-15T17:27:00.000-07:00

It was never charted as this while I was in L&D, but everyone coming to visit remembers numbers topping 200/100 for my blood pressure. The highest number recorded was in the 180's on top and 120's on bottom. I had started complaining of "cramps" at 6 am the morning of the 16th. I was not showing any contractions when admitted. I was given cytotec at 9:44 am that day. When asked, I told the nurse that while I did have pain, it was really more just crampy, that my periods were actually much worse. That would be a common statement throughout. I did take demerol for pain (HUGE mistake, I am allergic) and immediately started puking in ways the mag couldn't begin to make happen.

Another interesting thing I found in reading my chart was that I was admitted complaining of vision changes. Each person that charted on me charted different info on this. There are many inconsistencies in my chart actually.

Anyway, I refused an epidural. I really didn't feel bad enough to need one. Even though it was originally offered, I was later told by the anesthesiologist I couldn't have one due to the risk of hidden bleeding from it. Not that it mattered. I didn't want one. Not only was I not that bad off, I was scared that if I dulled any of it, I might not remember any of it. I must have been somewhat correct in that, as I had an ultrasound to check her position and I only know about it because of the chart. I don't remember any of that.

The day was simply a blur of family and friends, doctors and nurses. I remember when Rick would come in the room. He was the chief resident, overseeing some of the other residents taking care of me. He always came in the room with them, just to talk to me. I was having to get blood pressure meds every few hours. I was maxed out on the mag. They were terrified of me having a stroke or siezure.

The nurses notes say I complained of feeling wet, and that I asked if my water had broken. Everyone that was in the room at the time (4 of us) remember the doctor breaking my water as Bella's head was crowning. At 10:35 I started pushing. I cried then. I knew when I started pushing it was the beginning of the end. I didn't want it to be over. I knew when it was, I would truly, in the final and very literal sense, lose my daughter. The final bond would be gone. At 11:21 pm, our little girl slipped very quietly into our arms.

I will never forget my husband's face. They handed her to him first. I was simply too sick at that moment. My blood pressure went astronomically high. I was watching him, as I couldn't bare to look at her yet. He looked so proud. For a single moment, I actually thought she was ok. I knew better. Damnit, I was a nurse. I knew better. I knew that with all the checking they had done, there was simply no way she was alive. He just looked so proud and happy. Then, he handed her to me. I understood then, what I hadn't been able to understand moments before. I understood how he could feel that way. I was able to look into the face of the little person who had managed to give me my hope and faith back. I was finally able to see my child's face. I had waited for so long to see that.

I sat up in bed. I don't know where I found the strength. I had not even been able to pull myself up in the bed an inch a few minutes ago. But while holding her, I found the strength to sit up completely unassisted. I opened the blanket she was in, and just simply devoured her with my eyes. I knew my time was limited, and I had to absorb enough of her to last me a lifetime. Dear Lord, she was so incredibly beautiful.

My struggle part two. Isabella Alayna

2004-10-15T02:23:00.000-07:00

Isabella was such a mixed blessing. I spent the enitre pregnancy worried I would lose her. Rick couldn't get anyone to sign off on the blood thinner (heparin) bacuase of my lab work. The tests were showing the baby aspirin should do the job. I kept begging. Rick even said his instincts told him I should be on it. Without the OK, it just couldn't happen. So, I prayed. All went fairly well. My joint pain was significantly worse, and I couldn't take anything but tylenol for it. I got a cold in Janurary and kept it until Bella was born. That really sucked. Tony and I got married on Jan 25th. I spent the morning of the 24th in the hopsital. I had coughed so much, I was having contractions. They monitored me, gave me IV fluids, gave me tylenol and cough meds, and sent me home. We went home, slept until midnight, and got up feeling good. (Tony was just as sick) We decided to go ahead with our plans to elope. We moved the next weekend, and on Feb 3 went to our first childbirth class. We were busy getting settled in our new apt, getting things ready for Isabella. We found out it was a girl on Feb 1st. Rick gave us a quick peak when he found out we had not been able to find out the sex during our big sono at 20 weeks. He was so careful to say that he wasn't looking for anything but what was between the legs.

I remember her moving on the 10th during our last childbirth class. Movement seemed a bit less, but that seemed to happen in cycles. The 10th was a Saturday. Looking back, I had a few of the s/s of pre-eclampsia but not many. Here is what I told the doc on the 15th. On the 12th, Mon I was cooking. I looked into the light on our stove by accident (it didn't have a cover over the bulb) and when I straightened up from the stove, I had a sudden severe headache. I was momentarily blinded by a flash of light in my right eye. Much like I had looked at the light bulb. The s/s list I had said call for any headache not relieved by tylenol. Mine didn't last long enough for me to walk 4 feet to get any.

On Tues the 13. I was at work when a supervisor pointed to my feet. I had known they felt tight, but figured it was simply tat I was 7 months pg. A few hours later I looked down as I felt a sharp pain and tightness in my ankkes. They were HUGE. I don't mean normal swelling either. Now, lets think for a minute. I was a nurse. I knew what normal pg swelling looked like, and I also knew that wasn't it. I can only say I went into some sort of denial. If only I had paid better attention.

On the 14th, Wed. My swelling got even worse. I could barely walk. Somewhere during this time, I had a coughing spell (I was still sick) and felt a severe enough pain in my right upper side that I yelled out. Looking back, we all suspect the placenta abrupted then.

On the 15th, I got sick before work. I also had sudden back pain starting when I peed at 4 pm. It would gett sharp once in a while. When I got off work, I took a long bath with my feet elevated. As I got out of the tub and dried off, I noticed a bit of blood. I immediately called the resident on call. That was Dr. Thomas. She listened to me, asked when I had last felt the baby move. I thought I had felt small movement while bathing. She then said to come in to be checked. It sounded to her like I had lost my mucous plug.

It was raining so badly. I got off the phone with her at midnight. We didn't dare try to drive until about 2 am when the rain let up some. Dear Lord, I think of how the innocence must have shone from us on that drive. We had not a single clue as to what was about to happen. (when it invloves me, my nursing knowledge goes clear out the window.)

My struggle to have children

2004-10-15T01:44:00.000-07:00

My first miscarriage happened on Oct 23, 1997. It was an unplanned pregnancy. I have PCOS and was taking the pill in an attempt to regulate my cycles. I didn't know I had PCOS then, just that I had really painful, erratic periods. I actually was of the opinion that I didn't want kids. I didn't think I could be a good parent. All was going well, with no reason to have an ultrasound until I started spotting at 9 weeks. My ob did an ultrasound and a beta test on Friday, and I was supposed to come back that Monday for a follow up beta. If it doubled, I was ok probably. If it didn't........well, I wouldn't be. Unfortunately, the ultrasound showed no heartbeat. The baby measured at 6 weeks. My mom was with me as my fiance couldn't get off work. We decided to wait and see, as there was every possibility I was off on my dates. Later than night, I got off the couch to go to the bathroom. When I got in there, I was pouring blood. The severe pain started, and only got worse. To this day, that was the worst pain I have felt yet.

I went to the ER, and my friend checked me in. I grew up in that hospital. My mom worked there for 15 years, I had worked there as a phlebotomist and was currently working there as a nurse. Anyway, Mike took one look at my face as I walked through the door and immediately called my ob. The ER doc did my vaginal check, and as he did I "delivered" the baby. I never was able to find out the sex. They simply disposed of it. I was left to wonder about sex and cause of loss. I had to have a D & C as I wouldn't stop bleeding. There was nothing left that the ob could find to test. I almost had to have blood. I went home the next day.

Fast forward 2 months. My ex and I had decided after much talking that we wanted to try to get pg. I got a postive, and before I could even get in to see the doc, I started bleeding. By the time I got seen, 4 days later, it was over. This continued to happen every few months for the next year. That first pregnancy was the farthest I made it.

My last true miscarriage was just as I moved in with my hubby. (not my ex) I had slept with a friend, never even thinking I could get pg. I lost that baby within a month of moving in with hubby.

I got back on the pill. I was in a new relationship, in the process of trying to get divorced, and with a man who wasn't sure he even wanted kids. Just after landing a nursing job on a busy med surg floor here in Dallas, I had to go on bedrest. No, I wasn't pg. I couldn't stop bleeding. Even on the pill, my gyno couldn't make it stop. I was actually taking several different drugs, all in the attempt to make it stop. The doc had me on several birth control pills a day. I did that for a month and a half. Finally, we got it worked out, weaned me off that much birth control, and got me settled on a good dosage. About 8 months after that, apparently that dosage didn't do anything but regulate me enough to get pg. On August 19, 2000 I noticed the symptoms. On the 23, I tested +. My first dr visit was on Sept 5. That was the day I met Rick, and was diagnosed with antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. He sent me home with pics of my baby, and an order to take baby aspirin daily. He wanted then and there to put me on Heparin, but as a resident he had to get someone to sign off on that. This would be a key piece of information to my future.

Make it stop soon, please

2004-10-13T13:45:00.000-07:00

My period I mean. I got it last week about this time. I spotted all this week, and seem to be moving into the land of bleeding forever more. I was expecting this. When I don't have but 4 periods a year (naturally) I tend to bleed for up to 3 months after.

These are my options as presented by the lovely Rick. 1. I can take my provera in hopes that it will stop it. At this point, I should have another period in about 15 days after starting it. 2. Keep on as I am, praying it ends soon, before I bleed to death. 3. Strangle him until I get an endometrial ablation. I am waiting on his awesome nurse to call me back. I may soon cry. Thank God for her. She faithfully returns calls, and if she doesn't, I email Rick asking if she is ok. I could email him with all this, but I try to keep certain professional boundaries. Trading pics of our kids and talking about spouses is not a good segue into "Hey, can you make my hoo hoo stop bleeding?" I have done similar things to him, after hours, hoping he is online.

Kinda wierd being semi friends with your ob/gyno. We occasionally socialize. We email often, and never IM. He does not have this website, while he does have the kids'site. There are certain things he doesn't know about me that he probably should.

If anyone in the Dallas area needs a great ob/gyno, email me.

It hurts again

2004-10-12T20:29:00.000-07:00

I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. I can't get past the feeling that something big is about to happen. It could be good, but I don't think it will be.

I was scanning pics of the twins tonight. Tony got me a scanner for my birthday, as my old one died. (The cat chewing through the cord didn't help.) So anyway, I was scanning pictures. I found there were quite a few of HER with the kids. Not surprising really. I thought she was a very close friend. It makes me physically ill to look at the pictures. It makes me sick that as I look at them, I am already thinking of what I will tell the kids when they ask who that woman in the pictures is. They have no need to know that daddy couldn't wait to fuck my best friend, that we weren't out of town a week before he got into her pants. I guess I will tell them that she used to be a friend of ours and we had a fight. That's pretty truthful huh? In my mind we had fight....she thought she had every right to sleep with my husband, I didn't. We didn't agree, and parted ways over it. I simply hope they don't feel it necessary to ask what the fight was about.

Maybe I am worthless. My ex told me so often enough. No matter what he says, I don't think Tony finds much use for me either. Both guys married me after I got pg. Oh, it was planned both times before hand, but was rushed when the positive test showed up. If either guy had just known, they should have waited. Neither child would live. They didn't have to sacrifice themselves. It would have all disappeared if they had but waited. I didn't think when Tony and I got married he wanted to, and I still feel that way.

When I ask to be the one and only, am I asking too much? Do I expect too much? Am I too demanding?

Lately, I find myself testing and pushing him. I don't mean too. I don't realize until I have already done it that I am doing it. I can't seem to stop myself from it. I wake up each day, wondering if today will be the day that he leaves, or cheats again. I catch myself thinking why not piss him off. He can't hurt me anymore than he already has. I don't want to hurt like this anymore. I am not sure I want him to have the power to do this, to make me feel like this ever again.

I thought I was getting better. I thought I was getting over it. I realized tonight, I am not. The hurt is the same. I allowed myself to feel pushed, to hurry up and get on with it all. I should have allowed myself to feel, to hurt, to cry. I didn't. Now, We are all paying the price for my stupidity. Now where do we go? I am actually not asking for advice. This is just me thinking, venting, feeling. I'm scared, really scared about the future and where this will take us.

Too cute.

2004-10-08T03:01:00.000-07:00

Check this link out. The first time you go there, it takes forever. Please, if you like it, leave me a comment. I want this program, and maybe can convince the hubby to get this for me with a little peer pressure, begging, and sex. lol

So, check it out, please.

This is a trial thing, so....enjoy while it lasts.

Oh, and the artist for the song is Jo Potter. I absolutely adore this song. The other music by her is pretty cool too.

Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done.

2004-10-07T13:00:00.000-07:00

First, let me get this said. I don't want anyone upset by what I am feeling. Remember that, these are feelings, not fact. I truly ADORE my children. But look at it this way. Everyone has a favorite food or meal. However much you like it, you just can't eat it three times a day, seven days a week for months on end. Well, unless you are a child. Even that ends after a while though. Having said that, I will now go into the rest of my post.

I need a vacation, away from my kids. I have been on duty every moment of my life since they were born. I don't sleep like I used to, the sleep of the dead. I now sleep significantly lighter, listening for them. I don't go to bed even for a nap until I know they are asleep. Picture this, if you will. Close your eyes and imagine being at work. Now, think about your response if you were told your family had to move in. You would still hear the phone ring, all night long. You would still hear the hum of whatever machines are there. Eventually, you reach the insanity point. That's where I am at. I can't decide if I am under or over stimulated. Probably under. They can present with the same symptoms actually, after a bit.

I don't mean a few hours. I have tried that. It hasn't really helped. I need several days. I want to miss my children. Then, I want to miss them a little more. THEN I want to come home. I need this to happen. I need it in order to protect my children from the monster mommy becomes. And yes, after a certain point, I think I mean that quite literally. I find myself losing my temper with them all too much. It doesn't help that we are deep in the throes of teething Hell. I put them to bed last night, and they screamed, not yelled, for over an hour. I got them up again, and they kept right on doing that. Even while being held they did that. Neither child wanted the other in my lap. If I got one happier, the other was standing there simply staring at us and screaming. If I stupidly picked one up, World War broke out in my arms. I finally put them back to bed, somewhat calmer. It was successful that time.

I spend all day long like this some days. It's truly awful. No matter what I do, it is bad. It was so bad yesterday, I actually laid in bed and cried when I heard then wake up this morning. I almost never have visitors, no one takes the children over night for us. I don't ask, and that is for multiple reasons. (So sorry for the pun, it wasn't intended. I have been doing that lots lately.) I feel guilty often when I have to subject others to the kids. They aren't bad. Everyone comments on how well mannered they are (Yeah, my 21 month old says thank you and welcome when he wants to charm people. They also clean.) how adorable and well behaved. They aren't that way at home. I stay terrified that they will turn into hethens in public. I don't want others to feel about my kids like I do at the end of a bad day.

I say all this, but I also have to admit that some days are super easy. They play together, laughing and running through the house. They cute me to death. Unfortunately, the teething is making the bad outweigh the good.

On top of this, there is the guilt. I shouldn't be feeling like this towards my own children. I waited for them seven years. I suffered miscarriage after miscarriage, loss after loss. However, along with gifting me these two beautiful babies, God did NOT gift me with more patience. These kids have been difficult for me from the beginning. I spent so many hours alone in the hospital. Both before and after they were born. (I mean absolutely no criticism to anyone in that either.) I then was alone so much when they came home. My memories of those first few weeks home were of crying babies. In all fairness, I should explain why they were crying.

They rarely cried in the NICU. I got a rude shock when they got home. You see, the neonatologist decided that simply knowing they were facting better on Reglan and Zantac wasn't enough. Even though he didn't want to change the meds, no matter the test results, he just HAD to KNOW. So, he ordered a barium swallow on the twins. The girl had reflux, the boy didn't. (side note: the barium mixture is pretty thick compared to formula and breastmilk, so it actually can mask the reflux, if mild, during the test.) Anyway, rather than pushing water down the feeding tube to help flush out the barium, the NICU continued as normal. Even the pediatrician argued that 2-4 weeks later it could not be barium. I pulled the, "I am a nurse, I know barium when I see it. I worked the damned GI floor!" card even. She didn't believe me. Finally, I saved a poopy diaper and took it in. She took one look at it and promptly said, "Yep, that's barium." You see, it looked like they were pooping rice shaped clay. Everytime they felt the need to poop, they screamed. They started refusing to poop. For a solid month, every single time they pooped, I had to give them either an enema or a suppository. They would poop when they ate, but then they stopped wanting to eat. These were preemies, they couldn't lose an ounce. I had fought to get them home when I did. (AJ would eat for me, but not the nurses. Even the neonatologist saw this and agreed he would at that point to better home.) Finally, at about 2 months of home life, we stopped pooping barium rice. And I dealt with this during the day ALONE. That is the homecoming story I remember. Just makes you all warm and fuzzy inside doesn't it? And people wonder why I have issues!

Fear

2004-10-04T18:19:00.000-07:00

I am constantly battling the fear I feel. Mostly, it is fear of losing my kids, my husband, or any other of my family. I don't, amazingly enough, fear death myself. I have faced that, and walked away. Several times in fact. I just don't know if I can handle losing anyone else. I try rather hard not to think about it. That's rather difficult to do sometimes. I throw myself into the kids, simply to not think.

On a different note. Things are better for the hubby and I. I still have my issues with it all. I will for a while. The fact that my long lost sex drive has reappeared can't have hurt in all this. It took forever, but has finally shown back up. Hubby is happy, to say the least.

The Latest

2004-10-02T20:32:00.000-07:00

Well, our dsl went down again. This time, we got pissed. We are getting cable modem on Wednesday. I can't wait. I pray we won't still have these problems. I am really sick of connection problems. I am back on dial up currently.

Dr. Rick (my ob/gyn) got onto me Wednesday. I know for a fact that many times over the past 4 years that we have been together he has wanted to strangle me. He has even told me occasionally that I will either make him strangle me, or give him a heart attack by 35. Seeing as he is just about there, I doubt it will happen by then. I'm going to work on it....maybe by his 40th. Anyway, I have gained yet another pound since I saw him last. I can't handle severely low carb diets. I feel really, really bad on them.........even past the inital phase. However, medical info tells me (no matter where I look, or who I talk to) that I should not be eating certain types of carbs due to the PCOS. However, I have promised him I will get the weight off. I also promised my kids this. I don't want to be on insulin. I want to be around, and be healthy while I watch them grow. I have a really good online friend that has all the same isues, that has lost a great deal of weight, and is looking wonderful. Somehow, I AM going to come up with the money to do Weight Watchers soon. I may have to do it online, without goin to the meetings. Hopefully, I can do it that way and get the same results my friend did. Believe me, answering to my hubby about the money spent I will have to succeed. I will be 29 in a month. That means I have 396 days to lose the weight to meet my personal goal.

My babies are growing oh so very fast. I turn around each day and find them doing something completely knew. It's hard seeing that, knowing I will never get to experience these things again. I felt the same way throughout many parts of my pregnancy. At least until all the complications set in. At that point, I just couldn't focus on much. I was just trying to get through each day, with babies alive, and inside.

I do worry a little. They seem to have moments of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It may be perfectly normal, but being that they have mine and hubby's DNA, this is not all that normal. When they get tired, they clean. Then, my little man also decides just out of the blue to pick everything up. It's funny to watch, just because they both have definate ideas about what goes where.....it's just the ideas are NEVER the same. Usually they are polar opposites. The arguements/fights that start from this are hilarious! I figure I might as well enjoy this, I'm already going to Hell for many other things.

Night all!

Pain

2004-09-28T20:06:00.000-07:00

Almost 4 years ago, I thought I would die from the emotional pain. I left the hospital with very empty arms. My heart was full. Full of love, hope, pain, and despair, and confusion. Almost 4 years ago, I lost my daughter. Nothing can begin to describe what it was like saying goodbye. I had to make a choice to go on, somewhere during that long evening. I was so very sick myself. I remember laying there, having contractions, not really caring all that much. I had to choose between joining her, or staying and fighting for my life.

I'll never forget that last ultrasound, the one where we found out the baby was a girl. I was so happy. My dreams were finally coming true. I was so amazed, so totally in love with her. I could have watched her all day. Then, there was the moment when I actually laid eyes on her. Dear Lord, she was so beautiful. Again, I could have stared at her all day.....or night as the case was.

It was an easy delivery. I think I am a freak of nature. Labor doesn't seem to hurt to me. Pressure, uncomfortable, and totally out of control are terms I would use, but not pain. I am rather happy, especially considering how it ended.....her death.

I remember the delivering doctor, hoping somehow, that the ultrasound was wrong, that there was still a chance. I remember the adrenaline I felt, after she was born. I didn't feel tired, I felt like I could conquer the world. I was excited. I know that sounds wierd, being excited about it all, but you have to understand. I had never before gotten to the point of even beginning to think about actually get that far in a pregnancy. She gave me hope. How could I not be excited, even as I cried, that I had a daughter?

I have missed Isabella so very much lately. I got to know the personality that she showed while in me. I had dreams of what that would turn into. I miss what life should be.

While pg with the twins, I lived in fear. I was terrified of having to leave the hospital empty handed again. I started trying to accept that no matter how it turned out, I would probably have to deal with it again. What was I supposed to do when I went into labor at 24 weeks? If they died, it would happen. At the best, when they were born early, it would happen. Going home was bittersweat. I wanted to go, simply because it meant I could go see my kids without checking in with my nurse. However, I had to leave without my babies.

It has worked out. I have two very beautiful babies. My heart will always have holes from the losses, all 8 of them. I think about them often, and wonder how life would be if any of them were here, how I would be if I hadn't had to deal with all the pain.

Expectations (Yes, THIS is a poor me post)

2004-09-24T12:59:00.000-07:00

No one has ever cared what my expectations were. I have faithfully, to the point it has handicapped me in my life, lived up to other's expectations. No, I am not perfect, I do slip up and fail sometimes. It seems to be too much for others to live up to my expectations. Twice now, the men I have loved have seriously hurt me. They both broke my heart. I had tried so hard to be what the first expected, that I completely lost me in the process. It was only when I was hurt so badly that I started finding myself again. That, that is when he found me irresistable.

My currant husband, well, now that it has been a month since I found out, seems to expct me to be over it. All is supposed to be better. When I came back from MS in May, I was working so extremely hard to be what he expected and wanted in a spouse. Little did I know, that he had turned to someone else while I was away. Not even married 4 years, and he turned on the vows we made and turned to another woman.

We have our 4 year anniversary coming up, and I can't deal with that. In my heart, I feel like he undid those vows. I don't even feel married anymore. Why should I beleive he is committed to me? I spend every waking moment waiting for the other shoe to fall, for him to leave.

Other than my anger, what has he lost or dealt with over this? His heart wasn't the one broken. He wasn't the one that was told he isn't important, that he doesn't count. He expects emails and dishes being washed and him getting up with the kids should tel me he chooses me. All it tells me is he knows he fucked me over. He only told me when I confronted him. He didn't even have the decency to tell me himself. Someone else said they had heard it. Even during all of this, he just wanted to ignore it. I made several requests of him about all this, and he still hasn't followed through on them. Again, why should I think I am important?

With my ex, I spent many nights, alone, crying, wondering, "Is this what my future holds?" Is he going to be out all the time, doing who knows what with who? I found The Hubby, and I stopped wondering. We seemed to fit so well. Now, now we don't fit at all. I find lately that I am not being honest with myself or him about what I am feeling and thinking.

Do I make sure I live up to my expectations, or his? Right now, I am pretending each day that all is well. I am failing at that. I am tired, grumpy, and just plain pissed off all the time. Is it time to let out what I am realing feeling, and be damned with the consequences? How will that affect my family? Is what could happen better or worse for them than how angry I am now?

I was going to make sure I went to MS for a visit every 3-4 months, maily to give him a break. He gets so very little time for himself anymore since we had the kids. But, I for some stupid reason feel guilty about not feeling like I can trust him anymore. I have to fight myself as is not to watch him every waking minute, to not be super suspicious.

Where do I go from here? I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Again, I am alone in dealing with this. I'm always so fucking alone.

Female.....Crap

2004-09-23T17:06:00.000-07:00

So, I have been seeing Rick (my ob/gyn.....I guess gyn now......if he becomes my ob again, he has to raise the kid(s)) for almost 4 years now. One of these years, he wasn't in this current office, and he doesn't really have the one year in his office. My file is over 2 inches thick. It's one of the thickest in the office. Imagine if we had not gotten pg when we did?!?! They only got the really good u/s machine after I had the kids.

I have to go back to see Rick on Wednesday. I had to havea cryo done thanks to some cervical problems. This will be the follow up. Yet another chapter added to the novel that is my folder. I hope all comes out ok. I didn't enjoy the cryo, next there is some other procedure, and if that fails.....a hysterectomy. That's rather ironic considering I have been begging for the hysterectomy for uummm 2 years now. Yep, if you do the math, you'll notice I was asking to get fixed before I even delivered the twins. He doesn't really want to do one, and I know him well enough if I keep pushing he will do it. Rick loves me. I love Rick. I am also trying to respect him and his feelings as a doc by not pushing. I am going through all the steps. However, he's gonna poop kittens when he finds out I forgot to get the metformin script filled and I haven't been taking it. He's also not gonna be happy with me about not checking my blood sugars, and about stopping birth control pills without talking to him. Tey weren't controlling the periods, even when I took my metformin. All this means my PCOS is out of control. I haven't had a period in 4 months now. That in itself would not be bad, but based off history, I will then have a period that lasts as long as the absence of one did/ 4 months without = 4 solid months with. Pretty sucky huh?

I've been too broke to keep up with the meds. While I wouldn't trade the twins for anything, having the two at once means I can't afford to work. It also means that they drink a ton of milk. While cheaper than formula, it's still expensive. Anyway, I am off to watch Will and Grace. Laters!!!

Friends

2004-09-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

I have never really been the type of person to attract friends long term. Most especially women friends. I do better with male friends. I have trouble tolerating the bullshit that most women (including myself actually) tend to keep going in thier lives. Men are usually more even emotionally. I don't click with women. I have never understood why. This caused me problems all my life.

I see those really deep, enduring friendships usually in older women. Maybe there is a maturity, an honesty, and more patience that comes in time. Maybe it is something I haven't learned yet. (Although, I really think my children will give it to me if anyone can.) I used to have a male friend that I had this with. Unfortunately, he died of cancer 4 years ago. I have not been able to find that bond since. I did have one really good friend in high school like that. 2 actually. Anyway, I and only I allowed a boyfriend to pull us apart. Even with both of these girls, we had such diverse interests. With one, I was brainy enough. With the other, I wasn't wild enough. (Yes, even I was at one time a good girl) All 3 of us have lost tough. The brainy one seems to feel need to leave her past behind. I know some things happened after I moved out of her life. I am respecting that need, simply hoping that one day, she will want to renew our friendship. The other friend, I am not sure what happened. Logically, the 3 of us should never have been friends.....certainly not that close.

Since moving to Texas, I have been separated from my old friends. I don't make new ones easily either. Especially since having the twins. People just don't seem to understand how overwhelmed I am here. I rarely go anywhere. It's just too much work to get out. Also, life was pretty miserable here, and I almost ended up divorced. Once we got the kids on a schedule, I have protected that schedule with all that I have. That precludes most social engagements. I have to do that in order to protect my sanity. I try to remind myself that it won't be this way forever. I will have more time for myself, with less disruption for them, as they get older.

Just so people know, this was not a poor me post. I just simply wanted to get my thoughts out.

A parenting issue

2004-09-22T21:11:00.000-07:00

One of my biggest issues and worries over being a parent, most especially to two children, was snot. I used to bribe other nurses to do my suctioning for me. Repsiratory therapists used to throw me out of my patients rooms. I hate snot. There is nothing a patient who is having lung problems loves more that to show you the latest "thing" they managed to produce. You would think it was a baby the way they act over it.

Well, my fears were realized last year during the cold season. Both kids had lots of colds, including RSV. We had to give breathing treatments every 2 hours, and suction even more often. It didn't help that I have no immune system. (Speaking of, why is it my body can fight off any pregnancy, but can't handle a cold?) Not only did I have to deal with their snot, I had to deal with mine too. I deal with other's better than mine.

This year is already turning out bad in relation to snot. I wake up to both kids crying, and snot. The crying begets the yucky stuff. I already am dreading this winter. I can't wait until they can wipe their own noses!!!

Lets Talk about Sex Baby (some may NOT want to read this)

2004-09-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

So, I was sitting here watching Sex and the City tonight, and the question came up, "How do you know you are good in bed?" The entire episode is based on this of course.

So how do you know? I recognize myself most in Samantha, but with a little of Charlotte mixed in. Combine those two, and you have my personality. Well, more like a multiple personality thing really....those personalities don't blend well. That is another post for another day though.

First, you need tp know that I have a male mentality towards sex. I have been told I am good in bed. People certainly keep coming back for more. I have had the fun of being with someone who is a completely gay male, someone who has to be the most omnisexual male I have ever known, straight women and men, and bisexual women. I was offered marriage by one of my dearest friends, the omnisexual, although it was brought up after him telling me I was definately not the best he had slept with, but had very real promise with a good teacher. Thanks J, but I'll pass. In the end of that relationship, he had nothing but good things to say. (I think that bit of my Charlotte appealed to his "experienced" side. My gay male friend, well he seemed to enjoy the experience, even though I am quite sure it was not his best experience. Same for the other people I have "been" with.

This all boils down to the concept of just like pain, isn't pleasure subjective? Can't my pleasure be your turnoff? Isn't someone's willingness to please and/or learn part of our perception of how good they are? I can honestly say, I have only been involved with one person who had a knowledge level equal to mine. The only thing I miss about that person.....being able to relax and never, ever having to teach. Oh, and he didn't instictively "know" how to please me. In fact, the first time.....he failed. However, part of that "being good" thing for me is how quickly they catch on, and what it takes for me to get that info through to them. No, that man was neither man I have been married to.

On a similar, yet different topic, I really never expected to lose my sex drive as much as I did. I knew there would be changes with pregnancy. I am just beginning to really recover. It was really a shock to me to find out I had almost no interest in something that intil then, I had taken great enjoyment in. It will happen though. It is happening. Just not as fast as I wish.

Ready or Not

2004-09-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

Well, I have all the old journal entries transferred. The date of each is the title. I also found a fairly decent place that has definitions of NICU terms and added that. I am tired! That was a lot of work. now the hubby can start adding stuff too. Feel free to explore. The link is in my list to the right, also right here. I hope someone out there enjoys reading/finds it interesting/helpful.

I could almost swear I actually have two different kinds of headaches. There are definately two different kinds of pain.

Links and Dots

2004-09-17T23:28:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Blogrolling I now have a list of my favorite blogs. Most are on parenting or trying to conceive, but some aren't. Finally I can share my list of blogs with the few people who read this thing.

I do have a question though, for anyone smart enough. I am rather technologically impaired. I got my but kicked doing this much. How the hell do I get the dots out from under "link"???? Please, can anyone help?

I'd be really grateful........

30%

2004-09-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

So, according to Jane Pauley my husband (or most males) can only meet approximately 30% of my emotional needs. That leaves 70% of my emotional needs unmet. Does this maybe explain why I am bi-sexual? Actually, I think omnisexual fits me better. I truly have emotional needs that I need met. lol OK, that doesn't explain the sexual aspect, other than for me (the only one I can speak for) There is a closeness that is hard to get without being sexual, some need only another woman can meet.

More cutenes and the reason I am a bad mommy

2004-09-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

So, I am sitting here earlier today, doing something. I don't even remember what now. Anyway, I hear crying. I realize quickly that it is Torie. I have a hard time locating her at first. What I finally found, was that she was sitting up between the back of a wing-backed chair and the wall. She couldn't figure out how to get out! OMG, it was just too funny! I had to move the chair in order for her to get out.

She said her version of diaper today. AJ decided to wake me up when I fell asleep on the bean bag chair. He is also going around pulling every semi-solid object to every table trying to see what's up there. Also, both kids have their first molars. We are truly into teething hell!

Choices

2004-09-16T13:01:00.000-07:00

Life is all about choices. Sometimes, they can turn out to be the best thing that happened to you. Other choices, can turn out to be the absolute worst thing.

I spent 71 days having to make small choices between my children. I never could decide for sure who needed me more. Unfortunately, sometimes one really did need me more. Sometimes I made the wrong one. I occasionally had to go on gut instinct. Any medical professional that is worth a damn will tell you that sometimes, you have to go with that. Other times, pure scientific fact ruled.

Other people have much worse choices to make. My heart breaks for this woman, and all the others that had to make similar choices. No one should ever have to choose between thier children. None of us....except the people who have been there, can know for sure what we would do. That poor woman was told that if she didn't leave with her infant, she would cause them all to have to stay.

I simply can't imagine. I hurt for all those people in Russia, having to deal with this. I have said goodbye to a child.....knowing it was a forever goodbye. You can't begin to imagine what it is like to lose a child. I have to live the rest of my life knowing that my body.....the very vessel that was designed to protect my child, to nourish it, slowly suffocated my daughter. This was a child that was well aware of her parents. She knew when her daddy entered the room. She knew when it was his hand, not someone else's that was laying on my belly. I know my guilt, and there was nothing more I could have done to save her.

My heart is literally breaking for the parents and such that had to make life altering, life endangering, and life saving decisions in mere minutes. I doubt they are even too sure if they would make the same choice again if they had to. Some, may know, knowing that there was really no choice they could make.....these were the options....none are good.....but all you have. Can you imagine being told that if you don't take your smallest child, and leave your oldest, many most assuredly would die? Sounds like a very good description of hell if you ask me.

As the way of the world, there are people who are criticizing, some who are empathizing. Why do people insist on critisizing and/or judging others when they have not a single idea of what it is like to be in that person's shoes? When will people realize, that just because they view something one way, doesn't mean it is the only way? I simply don't understand. I will be the first to admit, I am a quick judge of people. I also know that I could be wrong. I give them a chance.

I had someone comment to me once that I need not complain about the tials of having twins to her. She informed me that since I knew what I was getting into when I took fertility drugs (clomid - About three percent of women on clomiphene have a multiple pregnancy, usually twins, compared with about one percent in the general population ) I had no right to complain. Now, I know what prompted her to say that. She had decided not to have more children due to health issues after her son was born. She had previously had a stillbirth. It was jealousy, pure and simple that prompted that comment. However she made it seem like simply because I had gotten lucky....on the 10th attempt....I had no right to complain about the normal parenting issues. But, she had no idea of my history...other than the stillbirth.

I see that those of us who don't know the situation, what those people were really going through, just don't have the right to say a damned word about the choices people made.

May God be with them.

Cuteness

2004-09-15T16:24:00.000-07:00

My kids are adorable. I know I say that often, but they are. Total strangers tell me all the time.

AJ decided to eat with an adult fork today. Apparently, he'd had enough of trying to stab food with a rounded plastic kid's fork. He did a rather good job. Torie Ann however, didn't. I repeatedly had to pull the fork out of her ear. And then she tried to "brush" her hair with it.

Torie has absolutely beautiful hair. It is full of body, curly, and blond. This is from the cueball I thought would never have hair. I think she almost has more than I do. AJ jas a head full, and currently needs a haircut. I try to keep his short though.

They are just so full of cuteness.

More Crap

2004-09-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

hubby took "her" stuff back to her yesterday. I'm a little upset. I can't help but wonder, was she friends with me only to be able to be near him? They were together before we were really. She has not once even attempted to apologize. I wonder if she really believes that I have no reason to be mad at them? I really hope she stops screwing her life up. She doesn't need to pin her hopes on men who are in relationships.

R, if you happen to read this, I hope you know, it is NOT just you I am mad at and hurt by. I don't know if that matters or not.

She acts as if nothing happened. She seemed concerned with hubby's response to my anger, but not really all that upset about losing me as a friend. Can I be blamed if I don't believe that she ever wanted to be my friend?

On top of all that, my loss was trifold. I lost 2 best friends and a hubby. He used to be my very best, closest friend. Now, I am so damned angry. I don't know what to trust and believe.

The romantic man I fell for, seems to be gone. I don't get the feeling that he is working to romance me/make me fall in love again. He seems to just be interested in feeling guilty. What if he is only with ME because of the kids?

Every guy except one has cheated on me in some form or another. They may not have actually had sex with, but they at least dated someone while I was with them. Why do they do that? What's wrong with me, that they all seek someone else? I never get the same answer twice as to why. Am I that awful of a person? Why, Why, Why??? And if I am, why do they stay with me?

I am so tired. Tired of dealing with all this. I want it to be over, and am quickly getting to the point of not caring how it ends.