A New Blog

Here is the link to my new blog. I haven't decided if I am going to move everything over or not. Probably so, eventually. I really like this new place. Much easier to use once you get familiar with it. So, comments and such will be turned off here.

Moving

Hey folks. I am going to be moving to a new blog site. This one just isn't working for me. I need a place that allows me to make some entries private. I found one I really like, and will probably post the link hre in a few days.

So incredibly tired

I have so many thoughts swirling in my head.

I have a headache. It smacks of a migraine, but I have never been good at deciphering each kind of headache. However, being that my period had seemed to be stopping (old blood) and is now seeming to restart (fresh blood and new clots) I suspect it is related to that. Currently, it is making me rather nauseated.

I have spent the past 2 days doing research online. I am trying to come up with knowledgable thoughts, information, and questions for Tuesday. I don't have a good feeling about it, and I can't figure out why. It all seems fairly innocent and straight forward. Both Rick and the u/s tech seemed to be concerned and focused on something. I am used to Lisa, the tech. I have spent much time on her table under her wand. (Sorry, that sounds kind of obscene doesn't it?)

After having irregular, heavy, painful periods for 20 years now, my overwhelming instince and desire is to just take it out. I will deal with whatever comes from that after. The bleeding alone would indicate an ablation. The cystic ovary possibly indicates a hysterectomy. The tech indicated that were it a result of my PCOS, it would have been smaller, multiple cysts probably. This was one larger cyst. I didn't ever hear actual measurements.

Medically, I completely understand why we should try for the ablation first. I will still probably end up with a hysterectomy in 5 years though.

Jeez, there are just so many thoughts and questions. I can't even figure out where to start. I am trying very hard to not push for what I want, but to do this in a mature and responsible manner. uuugggghhhh Hopefully Tuesday I will get a few ideas of which direction we are headed. Until then, I can only plan for everything. And everything is too much for my little brain to deal with at once.

On a different note, the kids just totally crack me up. I really love watching them interact with each other. They have "conversations" in toddlereese now. They fight, they share, they play, and they ignore each other. AJ has really turned on the personality lately. I got onto him the other day about something and he slapped his little hands on his cheeks and said, "Oh no, no, no, no!" I couldn't help but burst out laughing. He has also started trying to say juice. Torie has starting just babbling in toddlereese incessantly. I swear she said "wiggles" this morning while in mid babble and while watching the Wiggles. I just sit and watch them for hours. I will suddenly look up and realize I have done nothing all day but watch them. I just can't believe that they are here, and mine. As impossibly hard as those first months were, I wouldn't trade twins for anything. I still wish I'd had the chance to raise my singleton, but it wasn't meant to be.

I think I have finally moved on past all the infertility, the losses, the uncertainty that came with each positive test, and the emotional termoil of being pregnant. I really like our family as it is. I wish Bella were a part of that. I also wish I had never developed PCOS, had never lost my best friend to cancer, and many other things. But they will remain wishes. I am now looking forward to my hopes and dreams for my family's future together.

Testing, 1, 2 , 3

So I had the endometrial biopsy today, along with an Saline Infusion Sonogram. During it, I know he saw what looked to be a polyp and then a cyst on my only remaining ovary. He didn't say how this all would affect my ablation. He did say before seeing that, that he had been thinking that he would do a lapryscopic hysterectomy when it became necessary. All that, assuming the cervix can stay. If the uterus comes back as precancerous or cancerous, it has to come out. This polyp wasn't there a year ago, nothing but the cystic ovary was found last time. That is a little scary to me. We shall see though.

We meet next Tuesday, the 25th, our 4th wedding anniversary, to plan things out and set a date.

I am off to bed. The biopsy hurts like a bitch.

Pity Party Part 2

None of this is helped by the fact that I am hurt by my parents at the moment. In 2 weeks, I will have had 4 surgical procedures, and my parents have been here for exactly zero of them. In fact, in the past 18 months, they haven't been here at all. They seem to feel that even though we are supporting a family of 4 off $40, 000 and have some astronomical (half a million) in medical bills, we are financially better off than them, and we can travel easier than they can.

The only reason they ever got to even see me pregnant either time is because 3 weeks before Bella died, I threw a temper tantrum and literally guilted them into coming out here. I had to used the fact that I was sick and in a high risk pregnancy and getting married and moving all in one weekend to get them to come out. My family hasn't been here for shit. This will be the kids 2nd birthday that my family has missed. I thought I had accepted a long time ago that I didn't count for shit where they were concerned, unless it was me taking care of them, but I guess not. It hurts to count so little to my own family.

I tried so desperately to do my part last year to ensure that my family had a part in the twins' lives, but my husband took the first damned chance he had, before I had even been gone a week, to cheat on me. I am terrified to do that again. He can only take off so much a year, and I really don't want every 3+ day vacation to be spent driving 24+ hours round trip.

You want to know how badly I am hurting? I am willing to do this ablation, knowing I won't be able to take pain medicine that day or the day of the biopsy. I am willing to do it even though I know I will have no help for days following either. I am even willing to cancel the kids' party if I need to in order to get it all done sooner.

Sorry to unload all this, but I had to get it out. Please, don't comment about my negativity. I am aware of it, and right now, I don't care. I can't start the Zoloft Rick ordered for me because we are so damned broke and this is the one fucking time in over 3 months the bank didn't put our check in early. This has to all end soon, right? I can handle this bleeding crap for 3 more weeks, right? I did it for a year one time, I can do it for 3 more weeks. Of course, I didn't have twin 2 year olds running around, but I can/will do this. If this damned procedure doesn't work though, I may very well slit my wrists. And no, I am not so sure I am joking. I am working on 20 years of this shit. Yep, I started my period at 9, and it has been like this since then unless I am medicated for them with the pill or with Provera. Those of you reading this who have taken Provera, can you imagine being on it monthly for years? I can. I guess this is my body's revenge for the 3 months I didn't have a period.

Please, Dear Lord, let this year get better soon. So far, it has sucked big time.

I may finally be about to crack up here. Pity party below.

I can't take much more of this. Even knowing the ablation is just weeks away, I am going crazy.

Out of all my obstetrical history, my first miscarriage was the worst. Followed closely by my regular menstrual cramps. My two deliveries rank dead last. The recovery from the section was painful, but at least I didn't have to be up moving with it. Oh, and I guess I really ought to rank the ovarian cyst rupturing in there. It was between the m/c and the cramps I think. I am not including in this pain scale system my hernia repair and the resulting reopening of that incision.

These cramps are ranking up there with the m/c and the cyst. I actually had to look yesterday to make sure I didn't pass my remaining ovary and the uterus itself. Whatever it was, it weighed 2 lbs. Yep, that is how big these clots are. I couldn't remotely have been pg, I am now on my 4th Monday of this kind of bleeding.

I was in so much pain last night I couldn't sleep. What does my hubby do? He stays up with me. While I do agree, that was very sweet, I also think it showed very poor planning on his part. Want to guess who is actually awake now? Me. He is curled up in bed asleep. I have tried 3 times to wake him up this morning. He falls back asleep before I can even get out of the room to go to sleep myself. I don't even need the sleep, so much as I need to be able to get onto my back and off my feet. Gravity isn't helping the bleeding any, let me tell you.

Right now, I feel very bad and very sorry for myself. In the past 2 years, I have been through so much. Each and every time, I feel like I have been left high and dry in the help department. I have had a few good friends that have helped me out, but friends can only help so much. Family makes it abundently clear they will only help out when it is convienent for them. Never mind the fact that I have jumped every damned time they have asked for help. Well, I did until I realized that it would not be a mutual thing.

After my hernia repair, we had to beg for someone to take even one of the kids overnight so I could rest and take some of the burden off Tony. When the incision got infected and had to be reopened, NO ONE was here to help. They watched the kids the hour I was at the Dr's office, and then I spent the afternoon alone with the kids. I wasn't supposed to lift anything over 10 lbs, but do you think I was able to stick with that? Hell no. Tomorrow, I have an endometrial biopsy with ultrasound. It hurts like all kinds of hell, but will I be able to come home, take something for pain, and sleep? Nope. I have to watch the kids by myself because Tony works evening, and God forbid anyone have to put the kids to sleep but us. It's not that hard damn it! You give them a sippy of water, the snugglies they love, make sure they have a clean butt, and a night light, then turn out the light and close the door. That's it. That puts people here until 8pm. Again, will anyone be here but me? Nope. So, after my appointment, I will pretty much be in severe pain from 1pm until 8pm with no medication. If I take anything, I can't take care of the kids.

Before anyone gets upset, Tony really would take off if he could. With this new position though, he can't. I mean, it would be a loss of the job entirely if he did.

More, cont'd.

A first for me

Tonight I had my in-law's over for dinner. I have been married twice now, and for what will be 4 years on the 25th this time. I don't know why my ex and I never had his parents over. We certainly had parties. Actually, we entertained a fair bit. Tony and I haven't though. Oh, we might have friends over, but no real parties. So, on Friday, I had him ask his parents over for dinner tonight.

I took a huge leap for me. I made lasagna. I have only made it once before. And, I decided to change it a small bit. We ended up with both his parents, his sister, our niece, and her boyfriend. It was so much fun. I really want to make this a regular thing. I love entertaining.

I need to remember that when I am cooking, just because something turns out badly doesn't necessarily mean I can't cook. It might very well mean the recipe isn't that great. However, that statement doesn't apply to my lasagna. Every one commented on how good it was, and several people had second helpings, so I am happy with it.

I know I said it before, but

2 years ago at this moment, I was in labor. wow

It's kinda cool to know I will be able to hold a month long birth story over the kidlings' heads as they get older.

2 years ago part 2

2 years ago today, the 14th, I went into labor the second time with the twins. In my personal journal at the time, I made an entry about how homesick I was. I was sitting in my room, all alone. Tony was at work, and as the evening nurse stuck her head in the door to say hi, I realized my back hurt more than it had been. Again, my hurting was just really achy. This was the only thing I could remember about my labor with Bella or the first time with the twins other than pressure.

So, the nurse hooked me up to the monitor and sure enough.........stronger contactions than previously. She paged Rick and he came in and checked me. I was definately dilating more. Over to L&D I went. I got back on the mag IV again (yuck) and layed there for the evening. The second evening, I was still contracting and dilating, and so Rick told me to call my parents and tell them to go ahead and start towards Dallas. We agreed to try to hold off until morning for them to get there. While I was on the phone, he called back into the room (he had decided to go home for a bit and get a few things.) and said he had thought of one last option. I told my parents to hold off leaving, and agreed to try it. He gave me Indocen. It is given for 3 days and tapered off during that time. It worked!

Amazingly, this was the time I lost it. The first time, I just somehow knew we would be able to stop labor. When it looked the second time like we wouldn't be able to, I was so scared. I kept crying and saying it was too soon. I felt so guilty, like I was already proving to be a bad mother because I couldn't keep the kids inside any longer.

On the 18th, I was moved back to the maternity floor. We all sat down and discussed our options. I asked things such as "Will this hurt the kids/how does it affect them?" He said that he would do the mag again, or at least try it, but odds were the next time would be it. He did repeatedly say we could refuse it, and talked about what we would do if I refused it. I didn't know if I could do mag a fourth time in my life.

I found out on the 18th that I was officially a gestational diabetic. I was started on insulin and a diabetic diet then. I proceeded to lose 8 of the 16lbs I had managed to gain during this pregnancy.

I spent the next 2 weeks dilated 3-4 cm. Rick and I had mutual nightmares of AJ having a prolapsed cord. I did my very best to spend what I knew to be my final days pregant enjoying every moment. I was incredibly homesick and felt incredibly isolated. No matter how much people visited or called, I just couldn't shake the alone feeling.

2 years ago today, I was terrified I might be meeting my babies any second.

Stripping, Bleeding, and Endings

I can't wait to see the weirdo hits that gets. lol

Well, Rick just reaffirmed my love for him as my gyno today. I called yesterday and talked to his nurse B. She made me an appointment for today. So, I trudge into his office. Our visits usually go something like this: Sign in, call back, weight and vitals, room assignment, sit and wait, he comes in to say hi and we chat a bit, I strip, he does his stuff, get dressed and wait a bit more, go into his office for results and chat, leave. Today, I actually didn't have to strip. Seriously, you'd think as often as I strip for this man that I would be getting paid. However, I don't do that anymore (not at this size anyway) and he is a rather professional man.

He took one look at my day runner and said ok, let's do this.

In 1 week, I go back for another hysto sonogram and endometrial biopsy. In 2 weeks (Happy anniversary to me) I go back for a consult for test results from the above and the blood tests he did, and to schedule the ablation. He also put me on Zoloft today for some of my panic attacks. I have really been losing control with them lately. I have only realized in the past week just how bad I have gotten. The attacks are beginning to interfere with my daily life.

I have lost a grand total of 4.6lbs according to his office scale. However, I have noticed my clothes beginning to fit differently (in a good way) and so I am happy.

There is an ending in sight! Woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't sleep

I have been having the absolute worst nightmares. This is the kind you had when you were a kid. You know, where you had trouble waking from them, and had trouble realizing they weren't real, even if they weren't something likely to happen? When I do wake, I feel drugged. Tony even told me I was acting drugged. I'm now afraid to even try to go to sleep. I really need to though. I am having trouble sleeping unless someone is awake and "on guard." I really need a therapist.

In order to get healthier, I am trying to seriously increase my water intake. I hate the taste of water, so this is not easy for me. So, I challenged Tony to a contest. Whoever drinks the most each day out of the 2 gallon bottles of water we have, gets pleasured. Use your imagination for that. If we tie, we both get some pleasure.

I have been so incredibly sad lately. Maybe it is the kids' birthday coming up. Maybe it is Bella's anniversary date. Other than 2 things, this is the worst time of year for me. It seems like all the deaths and heartache happen in the early part of the year. Lately, I have felt like I was waiting on something. Maybe it is just 29 years of experience making me sad. And just maybe, it is serious PMS. I know my issues with my mother are adding to this. I'll post on that later.

The cramps have been so bad lately that I have actually had to breathe through them and use my self hypnosis.

I'm going to go attempt sleep. There is just so much weighing on my mind at the moment.

I can't take much more. A messy topic to follow.

I am officially on two weeks with this period. There is no end in sight. I am completely exhausted. I don't mean tired of it, I mean tired. I can barely keep my eyes open, my headaches are bording on the severity of my migraines, the joint pain is getting so bad I can't stand it.

I am calling Rick's office Monday and setting up an apointment. It's time we do something. I can't stand up without just flooding. I am having clots that scare me. (I haven't had any this size since pre twins) Oddly enough, my periods start on a regular schedule. I guess the progesterone working here. However, they are lasting 2-3 weeks. Based off my history, this will continue until I am bleeding all the time, for up to a year. At that point, I have lost my sanity usually and get back on the pill.

I spent a month on bedrest before for this, while taking 2 birth control pills twice a day. It took over a month to make it all regular again. This is interfering with my life. I have been trying to decide if that was the case, but figured if I had to think that hard, I wasn't there yet. I am now. Can you tell I am almost slightly hysterical now? Does anyone want to come babysit my kids some Friday this month?

*sigh* I figure this will all happen on the 28th with my luck. That is the kids' birthday, and the party is that Sat. You know what? I don't really care. That is how desperate I am. The other problem with this whole thing is that my MIL works on Fridays, so I have no one to watch the kids while I have this done. I'm at the point if Tony has to sit in the waiting room with them, I don't care. It has to all work out, right?

Randomness

So far, in the past few months, I have been visited here at the blog by several members of the us government. I don't know wether to be flattered or paranoid.

I need some info from those who have done Weight Watchers. I am going to start at the end of this month. (waiting on refund as we have no extra money right now) Anyway, I was looking online and saw that you can go to meetings, do it online, or follow along at home. What do you recommend? I am going to be crude here. Which is the better deal for your money? Do they give you lots of crap if you go to meetings? This sounds more mercenary than I mean. I would hate to know I could have done this entire thing much easier if I'd had one little tool or such that they give at meetings.

I am thinking I will go ahead and prepay for 13 weeks of meetings, and then if I am doing well, I will switch and do online. I am open to the idea that I may want to continue with meetings after that time. I kindof like the idea of the meetings because they will force me to get out of the house and do something for myself. Please, if you have any experience or info or ideas, please chime in.

Misc things

I thought I was finally feeling better. Actually, I was. About 7pm, my head felt like I had been hit by a car. My teeth even hurt. It is nothing more than sinuses. I am kind of wondering if the new cat, Ace, could be the problem? I think I am going to take some allergy medicine for a few days and see if that helps prevent this.

I haven't been sleeping well. I am definately sleepy, just not sleeping well. It is all due to my periods. I am getting to the point that I am almost comatose during them. Really, I can barely stay awake. Rick's nurse hasn't called me back, and this is now the second time this has happened. I really liked her. It' s getting frustrating. So, rather than doing this whole thing that way, I am just going to make an apointment. He can just bitch at me there instead of over the phone. I could call him personally I guess, but I really try to keep personal and professional things seperate.

Tonight, I am taking a sleeping pill. I don't do this often. Usually 20 tabs last me over a year. Shut up, I know all about expiration dates. I just have to break the pattern I am in. I hate taking anything even mildly addictive.

Well, I am off to await the rest of the pics from Christmas my MIL is emailing me, then to bed.

Night!

I have to brag about my hubby

He made management today! I am so excited for him.

It's a temp thing, for at least 90 days. However, this means he is also now in the management cadre for the next 3 years. I think he will be awesome. This is a step up for him in promotional opportunities too. This may mean we get to go to Memphis sometime in the next few years.

Yea Tony!!!! Congrats baby. I love you.

2 Years Ago

I stood in the twin's room last night, just watching them. AJ had woken up with what I assume was a bad dream. I went in to calm him by patting his back. He calmed down before long, and I just stood there. I love those moments. Those are the moments when the day's stress just melts away for me. I try to regularly sneak into their room and watch them sleep. Torie is a super active sleeper. AJ wakes up often, but goes right back to the same position.

You see, 2 years ago yesterday, I was admitted to L&D in premature labor. How silly I feel now for not realizing I was in labor. I was so scared at this point 2 years ago. I was terrified to hope they would be ok. I was terrified to lose them. The neonatologist told us there was a 50/50 chance each that they would live. I was praying I could keep them in long enough to let the steriod shot work. I reached a point where I couldn't even let myself think about the situation.

Over the coming month, as the kids apprach their second birthday, I will be doing many more of these posts. I sit here, in complete and total shock even two years later. I can't believe I was gifted with these two beautiful, very bright, very precosious babies. I can't believe they aren't babies anymore. They are toddlers now. We are standing on the brink of a new stage for them. Over the coming year, we will hopefully master the basics of potty training, our language skills will develop more, we will master self feeding. Next Christmas will be even more awsome than this year's was.

Over the past two years, I have learned so much. I have grown so incredibly as a person, in ways I didn't imagine I ever would. I have spent so many hours memorizing my babies faces, gestures, and sounds. I can tell over the monitor with lots of background noise which child is snoring, which child is dreaming, and which child it is that is awake but not vocalizing. Much of this is done by listening to their breathing patterns. I never learned the hungry/wet/dirty/sleepy cries from each other. I know the pissed at the world and the something is wrong cries. I developed a method for dealing with the cries when they first came home. We were so sleep deprived I knew if I didn't do this pattern of checks with each cry, I would do double the work needed. It paid off.

I will never forget bringing each child home. I really wish they could have come home at the same time. It was so heartbreaking leaving her there. I can't begin to relate how chaotic those first weeks were. By the time the first birthday rolled around, we were almost laughing at how difficult singleton parents seemed to think they had it. We could unload a double stroller, install kids in carseats, dump packages, have stroller shoved into trunk, and be pulling the car out of the parking lot by the time a couple with a singleton that came out of the store at the same time could even get the kid in the car.

In the past year, we have stopped drinking formula, and gone to whole milk. I think we will stay with it for a while. They are not eating much lately. We started with chewable tylenol and vitamins this year also. (appropriate dosages of course) Torie is currently working on jumping. She is getting pretty good at it. AJ can say anything he wants, but will not do it on command. Only when he feels it is time.

So, while I wish at times I could have time back, go back to some of the earlier days so I can cherish them a little longer, I am looking forward to getting to know who my children will become over the next year.

Thank you God for giving them to me.
Thank you Tony for agreeing to try again. You are the most awesome dad.
Thank you Dr D for all your time, love, patience, and friendship. I can never say thank you enough to you. I hear women talk all the time about how great their ob/gyn is. I simply smile and tell them I hope their's is as wonderful as mine.

Hello 2005

This should be a better year. It started badly though. My husband set out to get drunk New Year's Eve. Once our friends got here, he seemed to find his friend much more interesting than his wife. Only at midnight did he decide he remembered who I was. Well, he had gotten affectionate whenever our he saw our friends do so, but it felt so forced, as if I was an afterthought. He managed to stay awake until just after midnight. Then, he fell asleep. There he slept, in the chair in the living room, until I woke him up to tell him the kids were awake at 6.

We got seem really bad news about my niece New Year's morning. My heart is so broken for her. K has been molested. I won't go into details, but it happened. I tried telling everyone this 3 or 4 years ago. No one would listen. I have tried talking to her since, but gotten no where. Now, they have been forced to believe. We have been dealing with this information since then, and I just haven't been able to blog. It has also brought back many memories for me that I have been dealing with. I also have to find a way to make sure K isn't alone with my kids any more (part of the missing details.) and this breaks my heart.

The twins have been such a joy to be around this weekend. Tony ad I have laughed often.

Off to figure out dinner.

Oh, just a note to myself. I am bleeding again. It started 3 days ago.