Pity Party Part 2
None of this is helped by the fact that I am hurt by my parents at the moment. In 2 weeks, I will have had 4 surgical procedures, and my parents have been here for exactly zero of them. In fact, in the past 18 months, they haven't been here at all. They seem to feel that even though we are supporting a family of 4 off $40, 000 and have some astronomical (half a million) in medical bills, we are financially better off than them, and we can travel easier than they can.
The only reason they ever got to even see me pregnant either time is because 3 weeks before Bella died, I threw a temper tantrum and literally guilted them into coming out here. I had to used the fact that I was sick and in a high risk pregnancy and getting married and moving all in one weekend to get them to come out. My family hasn't been here for shit. This will be the kids 2nd birthday that my family has missed. I thought I had accepted a long time ago that I didn't count for shit where they were concerned, unless it was me taking care of them, but I guess not. It hurts to count so little to my own family.
I tried so desperately to do my part last year to ensure that my family had a part in the twins' lives, but my husband took the first damned chance he had, before I had even been gone a week, to cheat on me. I am terrified to do that again. He can only take off so much a year, and I really don't want every 3+ day vacation to be spent driving 24+ hours round trip.
You want to know how badly I am hurting? I am willing to do this ablation, knowing I won't be able to take pain medicine that day or the day of the biopsy. I am willing to do it even though I know I will have no help for days following either. I am even willing to cancel the kids' party if I need to in order to get it all done sooner.
Sorry to unload all this, but I had to get it out. Please, don't comment about my negativity. I am aware of it, and right now, I don't care. I can't start the Zoloft Rick ordered for me because we are so damned broke and this is the one fucking time in over 3 months the bank didn't put our check in early. This has to all end soon, right? I can handle this bleeding crap for 3 more weeks, right? I did it for a year one time, I can do it for 3 more weeks. Of course, I didn't have twin 2 year olds running around, but I can/will do this. If this damned procedure doesn't work though, I may very well slit my wrists. And no, I am not so sure I am joking. I am working on 20 years of this shit. Yep, I started my period at 9, and it has been like this since then unless I am medicated for them with the pill or with Provera. Those of you reading this who have taken Provera, can you imagine being on it monthly for years? I can. I guess this is my body's revenge for the 3 months I didn't have a period.
Please, Dear Lord, let this year get better soon. So far, it has sucked big time.
The only reason they ever got to even see me pregnant either time is because 3 weeks before Bella died, I threw a temper tantrum and literally guilted them into coming out here. I had to used the fact that I was sick and in a high risk pregnancy and getting married and moving all in one weekend to get them to come out. My family hasn't been here for shit. This will be the kids 2nd birthday that my family has missed. I thought I had accepted a long time ago that I didn't count for shit where they were concerned, unless it was me taking care of them, but I guess not. It hurts to count so little to my own family.
I tried so desperately to do my part last year to ensure that my family had a part in the twins' lives, but my husband took the first damned chance he had, before I had even been gone a week, to cheat on me. I am terrified to do that again. He can only take off so much a year, and I really don't want every 3+ day vacation to be spent driving 24+ hours round trip.
You want to know how badly I am hurting? I am willing to do this ablation, knowing I won't be able to take pain medicine that day or the day of the biopsy. I am willing to do it even though I know I will have no help for days following either. I am even willing to cancel the kids' party if I need to in order to get it all done sooner.
Sorry to unload all this, but I had to get it out. Please, don't comment about my negativity. I am aware of it, and right now, I don't care. I can't start the Zoloft Rick ordered for me because we are so damned broke and this is the one fucking time in over 3 months the bank didn't put our check in early. This has to all end soon, right? I can handle this bleeding crap for 3 more weeks, right? I did it for a year one time, I can do it for 3 more weeks. Of course, I didn't have twin 2 year olds running around, but I can/will do this. If this damned procedure doesn't work though, I may very well slit my wrists. And no, I am not so sure I am joking. I am working on 20 years of this shit. Yep, I started my period at 9, and it has been like this since then unless I am medicated for them with the pill or with Provera. Those of you reading this who have taken Provera, can you imagine being on it monthly for years? I can. I guess this is my body's revenge for the 3 months I didn't have a period.
Please, Dear Lord, let this year get better soon. So far, it has sucked big time.
posted by Amy at 8:03:00 AM
3 Comments:
honestly i'm sitting here with fingers crossed hoping things go well for you..you sure as hell deserve a break!
best wishes!
I'm sorry, did I read in there that he cheated on you? Is that correct? Cheated in the marital way and you're not talking more about that??
Lala, you read correctly. I am not talking about it more simply because I view it like this. If I am going to stay with him, I have to try to get past it. If I can't or won't, there isn't any point in me staying. If I leave him, I wouldn't talk about it either because it wouldn't be productive in my new life.
*sigh* Now, that isn't to say it isn't still an issue at times for me. He is trying very hard to do his part in helping me get past it also. Believe me, there are many posts on that on here. I am just in a different place about it now. This all happened in May, btw.
Post a Comment
<< Home