33 Years ago

On this date 33 years ago, my husband was born. I wasn't born yet, but this date was to become a very important one for me. It would actually become a landmark day.

I can't begin to tell list all the wonderful gifts he has given me. He opened up a world of opporunities for me. If he had not been born, my life would be so incredibly different. I wouldn't have known my children. I would never have even had children. I will never, ever regret my past because without it, it would never have aligned the stars for me to meet this incredible man.

Even with all the problems we had/do have, he completes me in ways I can't even come up with words to describe.

Happy birthday Darling. I will do all in my power to make sure it is a good one. I love you.

101 Things About Me

1. I'm seriously blind without my contacts or glasses, but way too chicken to get eye surgery done.
2. In high school, I struggled to gain weight. I only weighed 92 lbs when I graduated.
3. This was a result of an illness in 7 and 8th grades. I also ended up with anorexie from it.
4. During this illness, I overheard a doctor tell my parents I had a brain tumor. No one ever told me.
5. I have been pregnannt times. I only have two living children that came from one pregnancy.
6. I have been in labor 5 times. I never complained of pain. Each time, my comment was, "My periods hurt worse."
7. I have one sibling. He is 9 years younger than I am.
8. My belly button was peirced until I went into the hospital for bedrest. It interfered with the u/s and monitoring, so I took it out. I promptly forgot to put it bcak after delivery.
9. My favorite thing to do is sleep.
10. My comfortable place is my bed. I spent $300 on my bed furnishings when I got my first job in high school.
11. I have very few close friends.
12. I am freakishly shy.
13. I was molested by a minister as a child. He was a family friend.
14. I have been raped twice.
15. My favorite flavor of ice cream is Mint Chocolate Chip. It has been my favorite since 2nd grade.
16. I am not too overly fond of red meat. I also pefer my red meat to be overcooked.
17. I am bisexual. No, I am not conufsed about my preferences. I simply like it all.
18. The only time I have not had safe sex was with the one person I probably should have.
19. That one unsafe experience did as much for me as years of therapy would have. I thank God every day I did it.
20. I can count on less than 5 fingers the number of things I regret in my life. I have made many mistakes though.
21. I am submissive in the bedroom. I am not in any other room.
22. I used to be able to read a cheap romance in less than 1 and a half hours.
23. I still remember the first one I read.
24. I've met Morgan Freeman several times.
25. On my 30th birthday, if I have lost to my goal weight, I will be getting a couple of piercings and a tatto.
26. I have taken my clothes off for money.
27. I tend to pick up emotionally unstable, needy people like other people pick up colds.
28. I have a sign on my forehead that everyone but I can see. It says, "Use and abuse me."
29. It's really a shame people can't just learn to ask me for what they want. I usually will say yes. If you take without asking, the resulting response is almost always a sound NO!
30. My favorite color is blue. Any shade of blue will do.
40. I used to drink like a fish. Now, I can get drunk just smelling alcohol. (I am such a cheap date.)
41. I was popular in high school only because I was friends with all the guys the popular girls wanted to date.
42. I tried to kill myself when I was 14. It failed. I have thought about it once since, and not when most people would think I did.
43. I have Reynaud's syndrome. I hate wearing socks and gloves though.
44. I learn best when I write the information.
45. I was diagnosed with ADD (no hyperactivity thank you very much) in nursing school.
46. I scored higher on the ADD testing than my extremely ADHD brother did.
47. I dream of backing for a living one day.
48. First though, I have to learn to make cheesecake.
49. My sex drive is as high as any male's.
50. Number 49 doesn't mean my hubby isn't sometimes a very frustrated man.
51. I love frogs.
52. I have almost no creative talents.
53. I am easily intimdated.
54. I am dyslexic.
55. I hand wrote my senion term paper draft backwards because I was tired and wrote with my left hand.
56. I am ambidextrious.
57. I sucked at golf. My boobs got in the way.
58. If you met me, you would think I was the sweetest, most innocent person on earth.
59. I shock the hell out of most people when they get to know me because of # 58.
60. Thanks to having my french teacher living with us, I was fluent within a year in the second grade.
61. I pick up languages easily.
62. I learned to diagram a sentence in French before English.
63. While in the hospital, pregnant with the twins and a gestational diabetic, I actually liked the diabetic breakfasts they sent me. The rest of the meals sucked.
64. I cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner at age 9. And no, I didn't assist the adults in fixing it.
65. I like holding hands.
66. I want a breast reduction.
67. A tummy tuck wouldn't be a bad thing either.
68. When my kids frustrate me by acting too much like me, I blame it on my SIL who is just like me.
69. I have always had a fascination with Marines. See #'s 18 and 19.
70. I was heartbroken when my best friend died at age 36 if bladder cancer. See #69
71. I dream in vivd technicholor, and usually wake up unsure if it was real or a dream.
72. I enjoyed wearing maternity clothes.
73. I have never spent a night in the hospital that didn't have to do with a pregnancy.
74. I suck as a parent.
75. I think my children are the most wonderful, beautiful, fascinating creatures.
76. I don't like drinking anything that tasts like alcohol.
77. I am easy to get drunk.
78. I am scared of clowns.
79. I am even more scared of snakes.
80. I am such a blond at heart.
81. For a nurse, I am amazingly unsympathetic.
82. During childbirth, I apolpgized for cursing in front of my mother-in-law.
83. I still don't feel guilty for mentally plotting to kick the delivering doctor in the forehead.
84. I have heard the word's "Holy shit, that's not normal." during my c-section.
85. I only have one ovary and my tubes are tied. I have about a 3% chance of getting pregnant again.
86. I had a 3% chance of having multiples while on clomid. Can you understand why I worry?
87. I have been asking for a hysterectomy since age 14.
88. I started my period at age 9.
89. I am eagerly awaiting menapause.
90. I skipped 11th grade.
91. I broke up with a guy through his parents. He was grounded and I had a date. I do NOT cheat.
92. My grandfather was a minister.
93. I could happily go back to bed right now.
94. I have the fashion sense of a retarded gopher.
95. I am paler than pale, yet can turn black with careful time in the sun.
96. Caffiene makes me sleepy.
97. I like heights if I am inside something.
98. I like puzzles.
99. My favorite flowers (not together though) are lilies and daisies.
100. The only person I have ever had phone sex with is my husband.
101. I lose my southern accent when I haven't talked to anyone from home. I have it back at the end of a phone call with my mother. Being stressed or angry brings it back out fast.

Damnit!

I had this big long post about an epiphany I had today, and blogger seemed to take it but when I went to double check, it cut almost 3/4 of it off. Also, please remember, I am aware that this next part is my version of this. I am taking that into account.

Here is the rundown. I am allowing myself to be treated a certain way. The problem is that I don't know what I am doing that allows that to happen. The people who have and are treating me this way sure the hell won't share why they think it's ok to act that way.

My ex tried to change me because he was insecure and unhappy with himself. This is what I looked like when I started dating him. I thought I would share this because only a very small handful of people have seen these pics. Most people reading my blog have only ever seen the me since my PCOS kicked in. I really did look semi attractive at one time. Please forgive the quality. That's the best my scanner seems to be able to do. Also, don't make fun of the hair, it was early 90's.

Tony has never set out to change me, but then I can't say my ex did either. It just happened. I am unsure of wether Tony is that insecure with himself that he is trying to make me make him happy, or if he is that unhappy with me. One I can't fix, the other I can.

I can't help but wonder what it is I am doing that tells people that it is ok to try to make me change who I am. Then, I have to wonder, if they dislike who I am so much, why are they with me? Tony and my ex are not the only people in this. Many people in my life have done this.

There is something about me that has told every guy except one that I have been involved with that it's perfectly ok to go outside of the relationship. Were it even just a couple, I would think that it is the guys, not me. But if all have done this, I am sending out the wrong signals.

I can't really talk to anyone I know. I have several people that for different reasons, feel everything should be forgotten in the interest of not being a single mom. Several people are just too close to both of us.

Either way, I have come to the desicion that while I may need to change certain aspects of me in order to maintain my relationships, I will not allow certain other situations to ever happen again. If they do, there is to be no forgiveness, no another chance, no I'm sorry. While people may not think I have any personal pride, I do. I am drawing the line in the sand, saying no more. (This isn't just about Tony.) I am standing at the fork in the road. Last night and this morning, I was leaning one way. I am now steadily marching down the other way. I am about to show everyone exactly what I am made of. If they like it, fine. If not, fuck off. I will do what is needed in order to make my marriage work, but I will not swallow my pride, tuck my tail in, and hide ever again.

Now, I have to put the kids to bed at 7, then I need to drink about 4 glasses of water (I am really dehydrated) grab a snack, and then go to bed. I took a nap earlier, but other than that, I have been up for over 24 hours. I have a busy day tomorrow getting my shit together!

I am not swimming anymore

I am not sure I am even treading water. It feels as if I am going under. I thought things were better. I thought they were different.

I haven't been to bed. I have a migraine. My wrist is hurting so much it makes me cry.

I want to go to my cave and stay there for a while.

I need some help please

I need ideas and suggestions. I am going to move my blog. I need it some place that will allow me to make some entries private. There is just so much going on that I need to be able to get out, but not allow the public to see I think.

Anyway, what I need is this. I need a username. You know, like in the address here it is tarnishedsiren. I don't want anything that labels me as only a mom, only a wife, or an infertility survivor. I want it to be about me. Right now, I don't have a single creative bone working, so I would really appreciate the input.

Thanks!

WTF???????

I don't even know where to start, just WTF??????????

I am gonna kill the new kitten

He won't quit crapping in my floor. I think we have changed his name from Klaus to Killer. If he doesn't quit with the pooping, I am going to call him crapper.

O don't feel bad anymore. Well, the flu/achy feeling is gone. Now I just simply feel like someone hit me over the left eye. My nech is really stiff too.

I HAVE to let Rick know the problems I am having. My blood sugar is fine. I started keeping closer track than I was, just to be sure that wasn't the problem. I have started yet again. It's really driving me crazy. I can't handle this anymore. I am tired of bleeding. I'm off to do research in Google U and several nursing/medical resources. Also to check my insurance and see what is covered and what will have to suffer in order to stop the bleeding.

Bits and Pieces

Where do I start? I think in order of my notes to myself.

Pumpkin roll. This little item in my cooking library gets me forgiven many things. It is not all that beautiful, but it is really good. Kind of like a spice cake with cream cheese frosting. Anyway, here are a few pics. This particlar batch didn't make it to the family dinner simply because it wasn't as pretty as the others.

We have a conservative pediatrician. Tony and I did that on purpose. I would rather argue to get my way doc from being too cautious than regret not even thinking about a possibility. So, yesterday we went against dr orders and gave the kids some mini snickers. They have had peanuts before. No problems. According to the pedi, we should have waited until age 4 before introducing nuts to them because of allergies. Miss Priss took one bite of her snickers, sucked all the chocolate off, and within an hour had swollen cheeks, a rash, and swollen eyes. I immediately had Tony give her some benadryl. It was just a skin allergy, but it still scared the hell out of me.

When we got home from Mass on Christmas Eve, I was sick. I felt fine before, just really thirsty and craving OJ. I'm 29, you would think at this age I would remember that usually means I am sick. Damn it, I had just really started getting over the last one.

Mass. I LOVE going to Midnight Mass. It is beautiful. The earlier ones are the ones that most of the families with children go to. Unfortunately, I think last year was the last one for us for a while. Tony's mom kept the kids for us. We went to the 5 pm service because she didn't have to sing for that one. The kids couldn't go to the nursery because of RSV. Them sitting through Mass with us just wasn't going to happen. If we had tried that, I would have been into the communion wine before the end of service. Hopefully next year they can go with us.

Christmas Day

This is a sample from yesterday's family gathering.

This is my gift to myself. I named him Klaus. He is such a cool cat.

This made me laugh and think of TMJ

I had to laugh when I looked up and saw this. This was the most relaxing Christmas I have had as an adult. We were done cooking by Thursday evening. All the gifts were bought and wrapped a week ago. This kids were very well behaved. No high tensions were found. We were all relaxed. The only down note was that my MIL was sick. The only thing missing was my family. I am getting used to that though.

Merry Christmas

We have had a good Christmas so far. How about you?

Several notes to myself. Blog these things later.
pumpkin roll
peanut allergy
cold
mass

More later. I need a nap!

The calm before the storm

Two years ago, I was so clueless as to what my future held. This is what I looked like then.









I was 22 weeks along in the first, and 23 weeks in the second. The second pic was taken Dec 24, 2002. Little did I know I would go into labor sometime between then and Jan 2. I can't help but be shocked at how much things have changed since then. I can't imagine life without my little ones.

I am about to do something I have never done before

Get your mind out of the gutter. There isn't too much left of that kind of stuff I would do that I haven't already. I am going to attempt to make lasagne. I have never made it. I am a semi decent cook. Well, if you don't mind eating all desserts. My meals are passable, but my desserts......they are pretty damned good if I do say so myself. Anyway, I married an Italian. I think it was in the marriage vows somewhere that I learn to fix lasagne. My ex mil made a pretty good one. Come to think of it, my hubby's family has actually cooked very little in the way of Italian food since I have known them. My IL's started low carbing it right as I moved here though, so that may explain it.

I'm getting excited about Christmas. I can't wait to see the kids open presents.

I am attempting to work up the energy to get dressed, get the kids and hubby dressed, and then go get breakfast and then grocery shop.

The kids have started interacting even more than they were. They are hugging each other regularly. They are also fighting more. It's really funny.

It's cold here. I hate the cold. It makes everything hurt worse.

Oh, a note to whoever found me via the boobies and twins search. Yep, I have a pair of each just in case you were wondering.

A White Christmas

I don't think I have seen this much snow in the 5 and a half years since I moved to Dallas.

I am one of those people that would be perfectly happy living in some place that never saw snow or cold weather. However, I am so sleepy I can barely hold my head up. Thankfully between the snow and tv, the kids are staying pretty entertained.

Totally off topic, it is totally amazing how much I used that damned pizza cutter. My joint pain has moved into my hands, and even washing dishes makes me cry. (Let me tell you, this makes sure they get into the dishwasher before drying and getting crusty.) That thing hs come in handy so much since having the twins. Everything has to be cut into bite sized pieces and it is so much easier with the pizza cutter.

Stupid People

I have mentioned before that hubby works for a gov't agency. I am sitting here calling the number that this agency has for bad weather repeatedly. I am really hoping and praying that whatever idiots do the updating soon realize several things.

1. It's snowing, in below freezing temps.
2. It is doing this in TEXAS.
3. Most (not all) of the Texans that I know can't drive in anything but sunny weather. Rain and snow and ice freak them the hell out. Many get really stupid.

Due to these things, I am really hoping the idiots get smart and leave a message letting me know I can keep my sweet hubby home with me today. I don't want him on the road with all the idiots.

The hidden me

I have ben shy my entire life. Almost cripplingly shy. Most people see me as very innocent and sweet when either meeting me for the first time or seeing a picture. While I am sweet in nature, innocent I am not. This is not just because of my size. Even when in high school at a size zero and weighing less than 100 lbs, I still got that.

I don't flaunt who I am inside simply because I see no reason to. If anyone ever were to ask me, I would share with them who is really inside. I discuss my bisexuality with family as much as I discuss my heterosexuality with them.....none. It is simply not something that factors in. I can't say how that would factor if I had chosen to spend my life with a female partner. I haven't worried about it.

I want to find that inner me again though. I lost it while pregnant with the twins. It isn't just about sex. It's about my passions, my purposes. It's about why I am here, and what I am supposed to be doing with that. I think I have figured part of that out.

I feel like I am at that same stage I was at 12 or 13, but for different reasons. Back then, I couldn't decide if I wanted to play with dolls or makeup. I then promptly decided to put makeup on my dolls.

I think my physical self is very much a part of my unhappiness. I haven't felt like I fit into this skin since my PCOS triggered my weight gain. I sure haven't fit into it since I lost Bella and had to recover from childbirth in the depths of depression. My abdominal muscles were shot with her, and they sure the hell didn't improve with the twins. I actually bought a girdle the other day. Tucking my insides back like God made them actually took me down 2 pants sizes! Well, not just my insides, but the fat as well. I am thinking I need to start the abdominal stuff much like I should have when the kids were born, small and simple. I started out incorrectly, stupidly thinking I was safe from problems, when I gave myself a hernia. I started tonight. I am going to start accounting to myself here in blogland to keep me honest.

OMG! I am watching the food network, and have decide that only a Texan would hold a corn dog decorating contest!

Changes

One of the bloggers that I read regularly, TMJ, is about to leave for a 6 month journey. As I was reading, I noticed that my husband had left a comment. Now what I am about to admit may make it seem as if there are severe problems in our marriage. I would think, given the history this year, that was a given. However, we have known from the beginning we were very different, and have embraced that and tried to build from it.

I don't really find myself envying TMJ his journey. Yes, I want to see the world. If I had "met" him about 5 years ago (slightly longer) I would probably be begging to go with him. At least for part of the journey. I was at what I suspect was a similar place in my life. (I think his place is better, he still has his sense of humor where as I lost mine for a while.) I am now on a similar mission for myself, but this time, I can do it from home. (I would go to his goodbye party though if we had money.)

In the interest of self exploration, I am not saying more on his place in life, but about mine. That's his journey, this is really all about me damnit! hehe

After finding out that my ex had a girlfriend, I couldn't seem to carry a baby longer than 9 weeks, and I really hated my job, I started looking for someone to talk to. I knew nothing about blogging. I met many people, and somehow managed to fall in lust with someone. In the meantime, someone I had been friends with (never met, just chatted and emailed and phoned often) for several years, informed me he thought he was in love with me. After a very traumatic incident, I agreed to meet him. I had met Tony before once, and was planning to move in with him. Jim (not TMJ!) was the only person to this date that actually intimidated me in bed. I slept with him. (If my ex happens to be reading this, it was him, not Tony that I slept with in July that year)

Jim encouraged me to embrace who I was. My ex, L, taught me all about sex. He is the one that introduced me to almost everything I have done. Tony is the one I have settled into my skin with. Jim was the one that taught me how to settle in. He taught me it was ok to be me. He taught me that while some things I enjoyed might not be the mainstream, they were acceptable. They hurt no one (unless they want it to) and they brought me pleasure. He is the one that put me in check when I started to get after control after I found out about L's friend.

I miss Jim. He was my best friend. While I can't begin to picture what my life would be like were he still in it, I suspect it would be significantly different. He guided me through my self exploration, and kept me true to myself. He taught me so much about myself, but didn't change things about me. He fully accepted me as I was, yet encouraged me when I didn't like something to change it. I wish I'd had more time with him.

I am on the brink of some new part of my journey through life. I am encorporating the non mother part of me with the mother. I was so wrapped up in my infertility and losses that I have had a hard time getting to the point I am comfortable with myself as a mother. I am finally going back to my career. I am on my to losing this weight, but that is it's own post.

I worry about my family at the end of this journey, but I think that is just damage from the last time I had a monumental moment. I ended up leaving my husband, and I am very much a "marriage is forever" kinda gal. Those moments only happened like they did before because of my ex telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore.

I have already started this journey. Mostly it is about combining the very sexual me, the infertile me, with the mother part of me. And with that, I just segued into a new post.

PTSD revisited

I know certain people in my life think I should just be grateful for what I have and get past all I have experienced. I don't think they understand that's exactly what I am attempting to do. It strikes me in so many ways, usually when totally unexpected.

Julianna gave a very good description. You know what though? It doesn't just apply to the infertiles. That is just one corner of the world. My issues are about infertility, my baby dying, being abandoned. And yeah, while I may get pg......they don't stick. I stopped taking betas after the 4th one. I reached a point where I simply didn't want to know. I even joked with Tony about not needing any birth control. If I simply peed on a stick and got 2 lines, give it up to 3 weeks.....I would then suddenly not be pg anymore.

I had such joyful innocence with my first pregnancy. I was cautiously optomistic while pg with Bella. With the twins, I was so damned scared I never, ever considered the fact that they might come early. I took the one day at a time thing a little too seriously. Rick says that was the one complication he completely expected. The things I worked into my birth plan, that actually made that man cry.......they were things I had learned the hard way I wanted done if we lost one or both of the babies.

For so long after Bella died, I was terrified to let Tony out of my site. I remember feeling that if I couldn't keep Bella safe inside my body, I sure couldn't keep him safe. Then, Sept 11th happened the same year.

Incorporating the single Amy into the married Amy didn't happen overnight. It took a long time. It even took a failed marriage to help it along. Becoming a mother took a long time and many losses too (for me anyway.) It causes me much guilt. I have many bad days (being a woman of little patience) and I have trouble allowing myself to have them. In reality, if this were a paying job, I wouldn't have an issue with it. But because it involves those two little beings, it isn't allowed.

I look back at some of these entries and realize, things are finally starting to gel together for me. The fertile infertile Amy is beginning to settle into her skin as a mom. I will continue to have bad days, but that's normal. If many people would just admit it, they have days when they really want a day off from work. If they don't get it, they start to hate the job. If they do get it, then they come back happy and refreshed. I have to remind myself that that need for a day off doesn't make me a bad, ungrateful mom, but a good mom. I am learning to recognize my limits. I am learning to take the occasional day off, to recharge myself. It doesn't mean I don't love my kids, that I regret them, or that I wish they weren't here. It means that I am a good mom. Very few people, even those that love their jobs, can handle doing it 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Why oh why do people think that even though chosen (what job isn't?) motherhood isn't a job?

Really, maybe one of you out there in blogland can tell me why it is I keep checking my blog whenever I am going through my favorites. Wouldn't I know if I had updated?

I need sleep.

If I don't vent, I may explode

This is our final RSV season in seclusion. I can't wait until summer. Of course, I may be working again then.

Bitch 1. I have the ultimate in uberfertile white trash neighbors. I know we aren't exactly wealthy, but apparently my neighbors think we are. No, we aren't on welfare like them. I guess I can see where that makes us appear to be rolling in money to them. Here is an idea though. Use an f'ing condom. Yeah, there is a fail rate, but not as high as these people have currently. She has 4 kids, all under 6, and is currently expecting twins. She works, the husband doesn't. They actually asked me recently if I would watch her kids. Or could I take her to work at 10 pm every evening. This woman knocks on my door at least once daily. She and her kids and husband spend the entire day running around outside my aptartment. I get asked weekly if her kids can come play. I have explained numerous times I can't let them be near other kids, if they get RSV it could KILL them. Not to mention, I would probably have a nervous breakdown if they were in the hospital again. God forbid she actually discipline her kids either. I hear running in the apartment all day long. I can't believe the complex even let them have that apartment seeing as there is only supposed to be 2 to a bedroom. They are about to have 8 people in right at 1000 sq feet. This complex was mutch better when we moved in. You'd think for the rent we pay, it still would be. I can't even go outside and do laundry (our w/d is on the patio) because if they see me they want to come in. What the hell happened to polite yet friendly neighbors that simply nod and smile when they see you, maybe saying hi! or Merry Christmas! as appropriate? F'ing leeches. I have tried being nice. I didn't know they would suck me dry emotionally. I would give the shirt off my back to help someone that doesn't have. Come on though, help yourself!

Bitch 2. Between everyone knocking on my door lately and the resident uberfertiles hanging around thinking my kids and I are the greatest thing since sliced bread, I am now having to sit around with my curtains closed. These people (including salesmen) seem to think because they can see someone home, I have to answer the door. I am now going completely insane with the isolation. I can't even have freaking natural light during the day because of this crap. Something has to change. I am really tempted to hurt feelings by opening the damned curtains and blatently being a bitch about letting people in. I shouldn't have to feel guilty. I have been raped, twice in my home. Both times it was someone I knew. I am not going to feel guilty about not letting someone I don't know in here.

Bitch 3. No matter how many times I refresh my screen, our paycheck isn't in the bank. Technically, it shouldn't be until Monday, but the bank has been putting it in early. Like on Friday. It has always been early the paycheck before Christmas.

Good grief, I can't believe Christmas is NEXT WEEK! We are going shopping for the twins on Monday. We may get brave and go this weekend, just because of my cabin fever. I had picked several things I wanted to get the kids, but I think Nana went a little crazy this year. I pray I am wrong, but I'm a little scared. Everytime she has called here lately she has been shopping and wanting to know if such and such was ok to buy. Nana priveledge I guess. I limit her so often with things, I think this is one to just let her have her way with.

IT issues

Anyone care to tell me why my technically challenged self can't make my stupid yahoo im presence show I am online? I know it is something amazingly simple, but I am overlooking it. Oh well, I am usually online. I may not always be able to chat, but I am usually here.

Still bored

Several things.

1. I need rechargable batteries. If santa wants to drop a few in my stocking, I'd be one really happy person. hehe The kids toys could use a few too.

2. I really, really want to get totally hammered. Not that it takes much, I am a cheap drunk.....one or two drinks and I am blitzed.

3. Anyone want to chat? Not sure I have much to say, but again.....I am bored.

4. AJ is being allowed to watch way too much Emeril. He's yelling bam! and acting like he's throwing spices on stuff.

5. I taught both kids to find their toes tonight. They can also find mine. Not a pleasant thing considering I am one of the most ticklish people on earth.

6. If my husband were to come home early tonight, I would be even happier than the batteries could make me.

7. I am hungry. I really don't want to cook. Just not feeling very creative tonight.

I'm bored

The kids are finally napping. Shut up, I know it is after 3 pm. They are finally sleeping past 6am (up to 8 and 9) and I would really rather strangle myself than clean.

I blew my low sugar diet all to hell and back. However, it may have saved the hubby's life. Not only did he bring me the peanut M&M's I asked for, but he also brought me some cookie dough. Yeah, I know how to make homemade cookies. I messed up my last batch though, and don't want to make them again.

For the person who is coming here with a .gov IP addy, you might want to think twice. While the IT people I worked with at one of those places were idiots, (they actually tried to recruit me nor could they figure out how I managed to use one of their profiles to look at the porn they had already seen) eventually even they will figure out this is not an acceptable website for work. Sorry, but I just can't G rate it at the moment. If you would like to email me (check out my profile) and I will tell you a bit about what can happen if they do. It isn't just your local IT people checking that stuff out.

Part 2 Still Not G Rated

1. I have, either currently or in the past, gone over a year without sex. Nope
2. I have a partially used tube of KY Jelly close to my bed. Yep
3. I sometimes buy clothes specifically to turn people on. I did before I gained weight
4. I sleep with my socks on. I barely wear them at all
5. I have gotten someone drunk on purpose. hell yeah
6. I set aside some time each day to surf porn online. no
7. There are nude pictures of me somewhere on the Internet. If I do, my ex has some explaining to do
8. My family would FREAK if they read this list. That is putting it mildly
9. I can orgasm on command. No
10. I have had sex standing up. yep
11. I have leather in my closet and I'm not afraid to wear it. Yeah, my boots
12. Given the opportunity, I would have sex with a porn star. sure
13. I know someone who needs a copy of "Sex for Dummies." uummm yes
14. There is at least one extended family member (cousin, aunt, etc.) I would jump if we weren't related. No
15. I think hose are sexy. Hose no, stockings yes
16. I think limited nudity should be allowed on television after 10:00 at night. Not really
17. I like ribbed condoms. Not particularly
18. I am pierced somewhere other than my ears or navel. Not yet.
19. I have had sex in the shower. yep
20. My parents caught me having sex. Yes
21. My child(ren) caught me masturbating. No
22. Watching other people have sex turns me on. Duh
23. I own more than ten porn tapes/DVDs. Yes
24. I have used a vegetable as a sex toy. Not that I remember
25. I enjoy reading erotic literature. Oh yes
26. I can get wet/hard just by the sound of someone's voice. YES
27. I have used a sex swing. Nope
28. I have employed the services of a professional sex worker. It depends on your definition of professional sex worker, but never paid for it.
29. I have a membership on at least one adult pay site. No
30. I would give up another habit (smoking, drinking, over-eating) if it meant having more sex. Hell yeah!
31. I would consider hiring someone to teach me about the finer points of sex. Not the finer one's by most people's definition
32. Given the opportunity, I would appear in an adult magazine. Not anymore
33. I think reality TV should show who's having sex with whom. I couldn't care less
34. I get wet/hard just walking into a Victoria's Secret store. No
35. I keep a "Top 5" list of famous people I would like to fuck. Really, have you read my blog? Only 5?????
36. I have participated in an orgy. Yep
37. My current sex life is beyond boring. No
.38. I am actively looking for a new sex partner. I am open, but that is up to the hubby
39. I do NOT think having sex always means making a long-term commitment. I don't think it has to equal long term commitment
40. I have at least one sex toy made of glass.No, but I think some are beautiful and would love one!
41. I think anti-pornography laws are too restrictive. I don't know. I am rethinking certain things since having kids
42. People would be surprised if they knew how often I think about sex. I am surprised by it.
43. I think 16 is a good age to begin having sex. No
44. I have special names for my sex organs. nope
45. I have used sex to get what I want. sure
46. I think the world would be a better place if people had sex more often. People would smile more
47. I think some public nudity should be legal. Within limits
48. I have at least one sex toy that is purple. yep
49. I think a blogger orgy would be ... fun
50. Just reading this list makes me horny. Well duh, thinking about sex does.

Part 1 Not G rated

Copied from the Hubby's blog, who knows where he got them.

01. I've had sex in the past five minutes. Is self pleasure sex?
02. I enjoy oral sex. yup
03. I scream loudly during sex. Not usually, but I have.

04. I love sleeping with more than two people. ,sex yes, sleep no.

05. I own at least two books about sex. hell yes
06. I've peeked into the locker room of the opposite sex. nope
07. I have taken money for sex. I have been tipped
08. I've had sex while under the influence of a controlled substance. Yes, but all legal substances.
09. I've been in porn movies. Only homemade
10. I have been the odd person in a threesome. Yup
11. I have published the sexual exploits of a past relationship without telling my ex. Not exactly. He reads this blog, or did, so he knows what I have said.
12. I have lied to a lover about having an affair. Nope, although my ex believes so
13. I have more than ten tattoos. None yet
14. I like and respect Jenna Jameson. She has a hell of a business sense.
15. I like slow sex. Sometimes
16. I have learned a lot sexually over the past year. Nope
17. I have a sexual fantasy about another blogger. yup
18. I've been told I'm a great lover. yup
19. I carry a condom at all times. Nope
20. I'm interested in trying suspension. I could be enticed
21. I've broken a bone while having sex. No, but I have sprained a muscle
22. I have had a wet dream that I am ashamed to reveal. Hasn't everyone?
23. I have had sex in the rain. Yep, and froze my ass off.
24. I have had sex while someone else watched. hehe You could say that.
25. I would get plastic surgery if it would improve my sex life. sure
26. I want to fuck right now! That could be inconvenient considering the bleeding
27. I like to play with food. Not really.
28. I like sex that's hard and fast. Oh yeah
29. I always brush my teeth after sex. Depends on who I am with and what I did.
30. I shave my pubic hair. Sometimes
31. I have traveled out of town to have sex. Yep
32. I have fantasized about having sex with my brother-/sister-in-law. Nope
33. I have had sex with a person from a country other than my own. No
34. I dress to look sexy every day. Yeah, those sweats do it for my hubby
35. I have had sex with twins. Not unless you count when I was pregnant.
36. I have had sex with someone I met over the internet. Yep, several times
37. I have more than ten sex toys. yes
38. I like the way I look naked. You have to be kidding me
39. I have lied to get a person to have sex with me. no
40. I change from one sex position to another in a specific order each time. no
41. I saw my parents having sex. no, but I have had to ask them to keep it down.
42. I get cable just for the soft porn. no
43. I think legalized prostitution can reduce some crime. Possibly
44. I have a list of people I would like to see naked. Hell yes, have you read my blog?
45. I am regularly tested for STDs. yep, once a year
46. I am one kinky bitch/bastard. That could be said about me.
47. I'm always hungry after sex. No
48. I enjoy phone sex. Hell no, I prefer the real thing.
49. I have been arrested for being naked in public. No, but I almost got arrested for having sex in public
50. I have had sloppy drunk sex with a stranger. yes, see 49.

Conversations

Me: There will be a broom on the balcony so you can run the possum off that is in the garbage.

Him: Is that a joke?

Recovering from memories

Reading Julie's post a few minutes ago, I was reminded of many, many memories and thoughts I'd had all those many hours spent waiting to see the kids in the NICU.

I realized recently that had Bella lived and assuming she would still have been born at 31 weeks, we would not have been novices to the NICU experience when we had the twins. I was left to wonder how much different her journey there would have been than the twins? My friend that had the 31 weeker made me realize just what it would have been like. Her experience in the NICU was so much better than mine.

Had Bella survived, I don't know if I would have seen her even as quickly as I saw the twins. I was so sick with her. I didn't see the twins for 24 hours (except a quick peak) after delivery, and I can't help but think it would have probably been more than 3 days with her. I didn't get out of L&D for 3 days, so I doubt I would have been allowed to see her before then. Torie was over a week old when I held her the first time. AJ was 3 days old. I had so many times I was told I couldn't even touch them, much less hold them. There were many times that I refused to let a nurse know they had made me cry, so I would simply "go to the bathroom" and cry.

It was really fucked up that the NICU didn't have a waiting room, and anyone like myself that stayed all day had to sit in the L&D waiting room. How cruel it was to see those moms and families rolled out on the way to a regular room. I sat there many an hour desperately trying not to cry. Sometimes I failed.

I watched parents take children home that entered the NICU after we did. It broke my heart. I was always excited for the parents that were there before us when they took a baby or babies home. I remember thinking how sad that poor mom must have been that her twins had been born a week before ours were. How sad she must have been to see our kids side by side, and watch hers struggle more than mine. She seemed to always take it in stride. I never saw her cry. Maybe she had already cried herself out. Maybe she went home every evening and cried.

I can't help but wish I had gone full term. I can't help but wish Bella were here with us. I cried so often, and still feel so guilty that I couldn't have been stronger, that I couldn't have held out longer. I feel guilty and sad that I am the reason my children had to suffer through so much. It scares me that they had to suffer so much, yet in the scheme of things, managed to miss so many possible complications. I can't begin to tell you how many bullets we dodged, that babies born at the same time didn't.

There is no real point to this, I am just getting it out.

Oh, there will be the same post on the kids' blog, but with a different slant. Few people that actually know me have this blog, but do the other.

I don't have a title for this. First of all, I need to respond to Rachel. I can't seem to work up the energy to do much lately as I am sick. More on that in a minute.

Rachel, you asked how I got through it? I cried often. I prayed with every other breath, cried in between. I literally spent many hours laying on my bed, begging the twins to move. I rented a dopplar for a while so that I could hear them for reassurance. My doc also gave me tons of ultrasounds. (Instead of checking with the dopplar, he would do a quick u/s peak each visit. He wanted to see them as much as I did.) I don't know much personally about the issues you are facing. I can give you medical stats and stuff, but I feel sure you already know about that. I'll try to email you soon.

Back to me being sick. I don't know why I can't shake this. I am coughing a good bit, and am occasionally still having a low temp. I am thinking it's time to go to the doc seeing how it hurts to breathe. I can barely stay awake. I can't decide if that is because of the cold or because of the fact that I am working on my second period in the past 30 days. The last one lasted about 2 weeks. This one started like I was already in the middle of one. I can't even tell if the headache I have is because of the cold or my period.

On a good note, I have lost 16 lbs according to my scale. I really don't want to go to the doc's as his scale always adds about 10 lbs. I have been working hard to get my insulin resistance under control. I have finally given up cokes. That was the hardest thing for me. It really isn't the caffiene. Having pretty severe ADD I have never really found it hypes me up. If anything, I get a little more focused. However, I always really liked the acidic quality that it had, and didn't like any diet drinks. I really like diet sprite though. I just wished restaurants carried it. I am allowing myself the occasional coke whenever I eat out, but that is it. Next I have to work on cutting out the potatoes. Then breads. I think trying to do this all at once has been the problem for me in the past. It was just too much. I am doing pretty good with this path. I am trying to find ways to make my favorite recipes lower sugar and lower carb. *****side note here***** I am not actually doing the low carb high meat thing. However thanks to the PCOS that I have, I have to cut out sugary, high carb foods. I am actually doing a low GI index thing. It is all based off how foods affect my sugar. Much like the diets diabetics use. You can also eat low carb and still eat LEAN meat.

Hopefully I will be feeling better soon. This probably isn't lasting any longer than any one else's cold, I just have amazingly little patience with being sick.

Not so G rated (some may want to skip this post. Others.......

RULES
Copy this entire list into your blog/journal
BOLD everything about you that is true.
Leave plain anything that is false about you.
Put an * at the end of false statements you would LIKE to be true.
Please include this credit: Copyright 2004, Garrison Steelle. www.churchofsteelle.com

I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.
I have blindfolded someone else during sex.
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex. (sometimes. I have also been known to wake up....even after an awesome session.)
There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
I have had sex over a web cam.
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on.
I have been tied up during sex.
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I have a tickle fetish.
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building.
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.
I enjoy nudie magazines.
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I click on porn links in my email. (sometimes, not always)
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
Much of what I know about sex come from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on. (Sex turns me on....race doesn't factor)
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex. (several someones)
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
I have had sex under water.
I have had sex in the snow.
I am in a polyamorous relationship.(not currently, but have been)
I have to have music playing while having sex.
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover.
I stopped during this list to have sex.
Garrison Steelle turns me on. (The persona that comes through on the blog does. Can't say for sure never having met the man.)
I have fantasies involving Garrison Steelle.
I would pose nude for Garrison's camera if he promised to NEVER show them to anyone. (In a few years time and some personal goals met, who knows?)

How odd. There isn't much on this list that I would like to be true that I haven't already done. What about you?

Thinking

I know I should shut up and be grateful for what I have. I defy anyone to tell me that they never ever think what if though.

I can't help but be a little sad that I know I will never know what it is like to carry a child to term. I wish I had at least tried the mag a third time. While no one really believed it would work, I wish I had tried. I just didn't have the emotional strength to do it anymore. I was alone most of the day and night. I had relatively few visitors, and never really got to see outside my tiny little room. My marriage was falling apart. I was really scared to spend too much more time there. I was so incredibly lonely. I think in the end, that was the reason I couldn't hang on. Yeah, I knew what was at stake. I wish I could have been a stronger person and a better mom.

I really suck at this parenting thing.

A connection

It's stange the connections we sometimes feel to certain people or things isn't it? I was in the hopsital on bedrest, in fact just out of L&D, when I saw the news about Laci Peterson. I remember the message board of April o3 moms were talking about it. I immediately felt for her family. I laid there thinking about all that must be going through their minds. I felt mostly for Laci's parents. No matter what the circumstances, losing a child hurts.

I watched the news often, praying for a reslution, preferable a happy one, but any resolution. Then, things started pointing to her husband. I remember looking at my husband, wondering what could cause that to happen? Why didn't he just divorce her? What made him think he could get away with it?

I remember thinking how sad that I knew from my own experiences that there were ways to tell if they baby had ever breathed. I remember being horrified that Laci and the baby could be suffering.

I have wondered all along what information is there that we don't know. My heart breaks for both families. Scott's family because they have lost a grandchild and now a son. For Laci's family because they lost their daughter and grandson. I have no sympathy for Scott.

During my psych rotation, I met a patient that Scott reminds me so very much of. This man scared me. I never really knew if that man truly understand just how wrong what he had done was. I always suspected that he did know, but didn't care. He thought he should not have ever been in trouble for it. While that man may have understood that he did the crime, he didn't see that he should be punished. There was certainly no remorse. That was what scared me the most. How do you begin to "reform" someoen that has no remorse, that can admit no wrong doing? This man informed me that he had done this. When I specifically asked was he sorry for it, he responded......... "No, why on earth should I?" When I asked if he thought it was wrong, he said, "No." He never would talk about his reasons.

I can so easily see Scott Peterson responding to someone in much the same way. Being deepply interested in the psych field, I have to wonder why? I suspect there is very much we will never know. That may be a good thing.

May Laci and Conner's families begin to find a little healing and peace.

Oh, the memories

In honor of Teria, I got to thinking about how hard those dark moments at the beginning are.

Let me start with the fact that so many people think that just because I finally have the children I dreamed of, I should never have a bad day, that I should never need time to myself. How wrong they are. If I don't take those few moments for myself, how can I be a good mom? Just because I got the rose garden I wanted, does that truly mean my little roses are thornless? Hell no!

I remember crying my way through so many of those first few days home. When it was just AJ and I, it was because Torie was at the hospital and I had no one to watch AJ for me to go see her. When she came home, it was because they were adjusting to a new home, because of the serious constipation issues (I can't find that post at the moment) they had when they came home, because of the promised help that didn't well, help. I was also crying and overwhelmed simply because of reaching the top of a mountain I had been attempting to climb for over 7 years. It was hormones. Yeah, even almost 3 months later it was hormones still.

I also remember some of the most wonderful moments of my life. I remember holding both of my babies in my arms for the first time. I remember my daughter smiling at me. I remember how she was so curious even then about the world around her. I rememer my son always looking at me like I was heaven to him. I remember both babies calming down as I sang "You are my sunshine" off key over and over and over. I remember that it made their Nana mad that it didn't work the same when she did the singing. (And nana has a very, very beautiful voice) I remember Torie smiling at her daddy like he was the most wonderful thing on earth. I remember waking up after realizing I had been allowed to sleep through a feeding to find Daddy and both babies sound asleep in the living room.

You simply work out a method or pattern for the day that works for you. At first, it is trial and error. I put both kids on Tony's side of the bed during the day in the bouncy, vibrating (man do I want one!) chairs. I would feed, change (enema), change again, and give meds, then snuggle. After a short bit, the other baby would wake up and I would switch them out. I usually ended up with both of them beside me at some point. Swings saved me, along with the little bouncy chairs.

You just get by. Before you know it, they are coming up on 2 years old. You find yourself wondering where the hell those little babies disappeared to. And as you pull that child off the dining table for the 3rd time in an hour and you pull the other child off the cat, you think back to those small wonderful moments and smile. Because those are the moments that save those same children and your sanity. And it doesn't matter if you have one child or 5, it's the same for every parent I have talked to, no matter what the history was for that person.

OK, so I have to share this. I know it gives too much personal info about me, but hell if anyone really wants to know it is all out there for them to find anyway. So, here is our new family photo site. Check it out. Most of these are in no particular order. You might try starting at NICU and working towards Dec 04. I am working on labeling the pics and putting them in some sort of order. There are a few that made it into the wrong albums also, but I'm tired! Later ya'll.

Oh, Julianna, you have made me so incredibly homesick lately.

Sad (and a little ADD today)

I have been a little down today. It was a beautiful winter day, in the high 50's, low 60's. It was much like that in the days and weeks preceeding Isabella's delivery. I usually get a little down on days like today. Kinda odd huh?

So what is it with the salespeople? I live in an apartment complex. I am home during the day. This is a fact easily seen by the open curtains and blinds and the two tots running around. Are these people stupid? While I will be the first to admit I am not always smart about money, even I know not to buy products I can't afford most of the time. Do these salespeople really think I have money to buy? I mean come on! I am going to put a note on my door I think. I shouldn't have to deal with it.

I finally broke down today. I don't often bring out her memory box and album. I just needed to be as close to her as possible. I thought I was past most of this. Maybe it is just Christmas and her "birthday" coming up that has this bothering me this much. I am sitting here with her scrapbook open. There are several very special pictures in there. I am not sure if any will make it online. I had a very bad experience a few years ago, while pg with the twins actually, and am a little shy.

Cecily, this is just for you. I was lurking on Julie's site, and saw your comment about the mag. There are before mag pics and then the after. The only during I have is with Bella. Again, not sure I want to share that on this blog. ****Note to all who look at the pics, while I am a large person (insert fat) I do not go around looking like this normally. It is the side effects of the mag and the pre-eclampsia****

So, check out the twins' blog for the latest with them. It's the link titled Ready or Not to the right.

I still have a cough, no fever anymore, and feel as if I am drowning. The drowning feeling not being from sinus drainage, but from the ling area. I suspect pnuemonia, but no definate diagnosis.

I do not have to write boards again, Thank God! However, I do have to do my 20 hours of continuing education. Then I will be issued a 6 month temp license that will allow me to work while doing a refresher coarse online. The L&D unit at the hospital I wan to work at is currently hiring. I just don't think I can go full time. Not to mention, I can make more money as a prn. I jst have to find a babysitter for Friday nights from about 5:30pm to 1 am. I would really rather not have the kids in day care if I can avoid it. I still haven't made up my mind to actually go back.

Have I said lately how much I love my husband? Yeah, he can be irritating as hell. Sometimes his lack of forethought can drive me absolutely bananas. I love him more than my luggage though.

I wish I felt better. I am so in the mood to cook. That reminds me, my gingerbread ornaments....a little sad. They will do for this year though.

Oh, before I run. Something to make your house smell yummy:

1 orange, sliced
1 tsp ground ginger
2 tsp ground cloves
1 cinnamon stick

add water and keep on low heat.

Still sick damnit!

I thought I was slowly getting better. Well, NOT. My body has taken revenge on the many nasty, horrible things I have done to it in the past. I have an even higher temp now. My thermometer is determined I am sitting quite nicely at 97.7, I think the little bastard is lying. I feel feverish damnit. I should be in bed sleeping, but I feel too crappy to do so.

I am more than ready for the paycheck to hit the bank. I have shopping to do, and no amount of snot is going to keep me from it. I am all jazzed up wanting to do this suzy homemaker thing and make gingerbread ornaments for our tree. (hopefully that will go up this weekend.)

What is it about the lack of oxygen to my brain that comes with being sick that makes me horny? I have yet to figure it out. Nope, I can't breathe, but I really want to jump the hubby when he comes in tonight. I won't though, not enough energy to even just lay there.

Along the same topic, I placed a call to Rick's nurse today. They were in the other office, but since my file wasn't there, I called his main office. I am now on the end of my second week of bleeding. This is contributing to the current dry spell in my home. No pun inteded there, sorry. Rick, if you read this..........ablation ablation ablation. Did you get that? Ablation. If you do this, I will go away. You'll only hear from me every 6 months for my paps. Well, and my sleeping pills. hehe That is only once a year though.

I thought of something else in relation to going back to nursing. I didn't keep up with my CEU's. Because I haven't worked since my license lapsed (go figure, it's a freaking felony to do so....why do they think I would?) I need to do a refresher class. Not a big deal. Well, ok it is....it is a big $500 deal, but I can do that with our tax refund. I even found a place to do it online. My actual clinical skills should still be pretty good though. Anyway, the one big deal with all this.....I have to find a doc here in Dallas that will not fight me and actually give me Ritalin. Yep, I am have Adult ADD. Actually, I had it all my life, I just wasn't diagnosed until nursing school. It may be much easier to find a doc here than I think. But is was such a fight at home, I am a little nervous. I can bang out the CEU's without much problem. They are frightfully easy. I prefer to actually learn things rather than BS my way through. More to think about though.

Boy is Tony going to be surprised when he reads this! I started thinking about it earlier today, and haven't mentioned a word to him.

I can't believe what I have been thinking about

I am actually considering going back to work in the next year. Nursing is where I can make the most money. The particular government agency I used to work for is not hiring. Not to mention, I can walk into a nursing job at double what I left that other job for. I would only do it prn, but that can be a really sweet deal. I don't need the benifits. I need the money.

I would have to sit my boards again, but in all honesty.......I can study for a couple months and do that. Here in Texas if you let your license go, you have to retake. I am actually still listed as inactive in MS. However, I hav to go back in that state to work for a while to then reactivate it. I could then switch it over to TX.

I left nursing because of the physical stress. I was finally getting to the point I was rather good at what I did. I was finally comfortable applying the book knowledge I had stored away in my head. Thanks to a really crappy first year and lack of support, I became really uncomfortable with it. I'd had some really good experiences here in Texas and was happy in the job. When I got pregnant with Bella I wanted something that didn't have me on my feet as much.

I find myself missing the charge of a busy ER. I was finally beginning to break out of the rut of Med/Surg I had gotten into. While good for a new nurse, I really wanted to find a specific area and get really good at it.

I have about a year to really think about it. I would like the kids potty trained before putting them in pre-school. I don't want to work full time. I even know where I want to work. I also know how much I have to make in order to offset the cost of daycare for twins. I also prefer night shift for working on a floor vs an office or specialty. hehe With my personal knowledge, I should try for a maternity floor. Many things to think about. I haven't even talked to Tony about it.

Last but not least thought for my day (I am sick you know) My babies will be 2 (TWO) in 57 days!!!!!!!!! Dear Lord, the time is flying.

A new fetish

Well, not really....I mean breathing isn't exactly a fetish. Is it? I called it a fetish simply because being able to breathe without struggling would probably bring me to orgasm rather quickly at the moment. Will someone PPPPuuuhhhhlllllllleeeeeeaaaassssseee come deep suction me? I am unfortunately not dying. Actually, as congested as my sinuses are I might be. I might smother. If I bend at the waist it gets better when I then stand upright. I have fever at the moment. I have no idea how much, I can't be bothered to get up off my ass and find the thermometer. I have just done 3 loads of dishes (yes, that is just how far I have gotten behind here at home) and am too damned tired to hunt down that damned thermometer.

This reminds me too effing much of when I was pregnant with Isabella, right before I had her. I was sick like this. Isn't it funny what brings the memories back?

And just a warning......dear Dr Rick.............If you don't do that damned ablation soon, I am gonna kick your ass! (I don't know if he reads this blog or not. Damn, I hope not........that would explain a comment he made at last visit though.) I really was under the mistaken impression that I finished my period today. Boy, was I wrong. I am right back at full, heavy flow. This would be ok, but you would think that by week TWO, it would be fairly light. uummm NOT!

And just how wrong are Tony and I for going to the Children's Mass on Christmas Eve and probably NOT taking the kids? Due to the RSV threat that comes with the winter season, we aren't supposed to be taking the kids around other kids. This will be the first time in 5 years that I haven't been to a Midnight Mass and not working. My IL's are very active in the church, and somehow will be doing every mass except the 5pm. *sigh* I really love midnight Mass. It is so incredibly beautiful. MIL generally has a solo, and I love to hear her. However, she has offered to watch the kids so we can go. The twins slept through the midnight mass last year. I just don't foresee them being that cooperative.

I suspect that my family already has RSV. If this is the case, next winter will be very different. We shall see though.

I need a massage. Especially one of those sinus opening facial ones Mark does. My neck is so tense I can barely move it.

Sorry for all the rambling.

So, here is what I decided

The other site (Ready or Not) is going to be my parenting blog. Now, because my family, the awesome doc, and friends read that one it will be g rated and generally all happy. My family has expressed it's opinion that unhappy things should remain private. Being that my husband is about the only adult I talk to and he can only stand so much bitching, I need an outlet. This (Just Keep Swimming) will be my outlet. If you want updates on me, the kids, or anything GOOD, feel free to go there. If you hang out here, you will probably find out things you have no interest in. If I post here, I feel like someone out there is listening. I get really tired of talking to myself.

SO, in summation......you might want to start going to the other site instead of this one. There is not a link from it here because of the above reasons. I will start giving that link as part of my "signature" in comments and emails.