Damnit!
I had this big long post about an epiphany I had today, and blogger seemed to take it but when I went to double check, it cut almost 3/4 of it off. Also, please remember, I am aware that this next part is my version of this. I am taking that into account.
Here is the rundown. I am allowing myself to be treated a certain way. The problem is that I don't know what I am doing that allows that to happen. The people who have and are treating me this way sure the hell won't share why they think it's ok to act that way.
My ex tried to change me because he was insecure and unhappy with himself. This is what I looked like when I started dating him. I thought I would share this because only a very small handful of people have seen these pics. Most people reading my blog have only ever seen the me since my PCOS kicked in. I really did look semi attractive at one time. Please forgive the quality. That's the best my scanner seems to be able to do. Also, don't make fun of the hair, it was early 90's.
Tony has never set out to change me, but then I can't say my ex did either. It just happened. I am unsure of wether Tony is that insecure with himself that he is trying to make me make him happy, or if he is that unhappy with me. One I can't fix, the other I can.
I can't help but wonder what it is I am doing that tells people that it is ok to try to make me change who I am. Then, I have to wonder, if they dislike who I am so much, why are they with me? Tony and my ex are not the only people in this. Many people in my life have done this.
There is something about me that has told every guy except one that I have been involved with that it's perfectly ok to go outside of the relationship. Were it even just a couple, I would think that it is the guys, not me. But if all have done this, I am sending out the wrong signals.
I can't really talk to anyone I know. I have several people that for different reasons, feel everything should be forgotten in the interest of not being a single mom. Several people are just too close to both of us.
Either way, I have come to the desicion that while I may need to change certain aspects of me in order to maintain my relationships, I will not allow certain other situations to ever happen again. If they do, there is to be no forgiveness, no another chance, no I'm sorry. While people may not think I have any personal pride, I do. I am drawing the line in the sand, saying no more. (This isn't just about Tony.) I am standing at the fork in the road. Last night and this morning, I was leaning one way. I am now steadily marching down the other way. I am about to show everyone exactly what I am made of. If they like it, fine. If not, fuck off. I will do what is needed in order to make my marriage work, but I will not swallow my pride, tuck my tail in, and hide ever again.
Now, I have to put the kids to bed at 7, then I need to drink about 4 glasses of water (I am really dehydrated) grab a snack, and then go to bed. I took a nap earlier, but other than that, I have been up for over 24 hours. I have a busy day tomorrow getting my shit together!
Here is the rundown. I am allowing myself to be treated a certain way. The problem is that I don't know what I am doing that allows that to happen. The people who have and are treating me this way sure the hell won't share why they think it's ok to act that way.
My ex tried to change me because he was insecure and unhappy with himself. This is what I looked like when I started dating him. I thought I would share this because only a very small handful of people have seen these pics. Most people reading my blog have only ever seen the me since my PCOS kicked in. I really did look semi attractive at one time. Please forgive the quality. That's the best my scanner seems to be able to do. Also, don't make fun of the hair, it was early 90's.
Tony has never set out to change me, but then I can't say my ex did either. It just happened. I am unsure of wether Tony is that insecure with himself that he is trying to make me make him happy, or if he is that unhappy with me. One I can't fix, the other I can.
I can't help but wonder what it is I am doing that tells people that it is ok to try to make me change who I am. Then, I have to wonder, if they dislike who I am so much, why are they with me? Tony and my ex are not the only people in this. Many people in my life have done this.
There is something about me that has told every guy except one that I have been involved with that it's perfectly ok to go outside of the relationship. Were it even just a couple, I would think that it is the guys, not me. But if all have done this, I am sending out the wrong signals.
I can't really talk to anyone I know. I have several people that for different reasons, feel everything should be forgotten in the interest of not being a single mom. Several people are just too close to both of us.
Either way, I have come to the desicion that while I may need to change certain aspects of me in order to maintain my relationships, I will not allow certain other situations to ever happen again. If they do, there is to be no forgiveness, no another chance, no I'm sorry. While people may not think I have any personal pride, I do. I am drawing the line in the sand, saying no more. (This isn't just about Tony.) I am standing at the fork in the road. Last night and this morning, I was leaning one way. I am now steadily marching down the other way. I am about to show everyone exactly what I am made of. If they like it, fine. If not, fuck off. I will do what is needed in order to make my marriage work, but I will not swallow my pride, tuck my tail in, and hide ever again.
Now, I have to put the kids to bed at 7, then I need to drink about 4 glasses of water (I am really dehydrated) grab a snack, and then go to bed. I took a nap earlier, but other than that, I have been up for over 24 hours. I have a busy day tomorrow getting my shit together!
posted by Amy at 4:14:00 PM
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