Tuesday, October 19, 2004

What should have been

I have a friend (sort of) that just welcomed via c-section identical twin boys at 37 weeks. Both boys were born over 6 lbs.

While I would never, ever wish on J what we experienced in the NICU, I get really upset that someone who gets all that she wants so very easily had no problems and gets to take both babies home with her in a few days.

What did I do to deserve to have to lose all those babies, to have almost died myself, to have to spend a week for morning sickness and 4 weeks for premature labor in the hospital, to have to sit idly by and watch my babies fight for life? What did I do that makes me deserve to know that had my twins not been born early, my body could very easily have killed them?

On Saturday, I will "celebrate" the 7 year anniversary of my 1st miscarriage. I will celebrate the beginning of the end of what remained of my innocence. It will be the beginning of things to come that would rock the foundation of all my beliefs. The beginning of my broken heart.

Many will tell me to be happy with what I have. I should be. But with each thing I truly find happiness in, in some way it is a reminder of what I lost, of everything I had to say goodbye to. I know I am supposedly "lucky" to have the twins. I thank God for them daily. I also beg Him to take away the pain of what I have lost. That has yet to happen.

My reality when the twins were born was not being able to stare into my children's eyes. I had to ask permission to touch them. I didn't hold my daughter until she was over a week old. My son was 5 days old I think. I wasn't able to rest. I had to be there in order to maintain a connection with the twins. I had to be there to make sure they were taken care of correctly. (I couldn't help that......too many years as a nurse makes me not trust others care. I have SEEN what happens when no one is with the patient.) I didn't get to hold both my babies at the same time until they were HOME. Even when they were side by side, we weren't allowed.

I am thankful for them. I also knew what my reality could be. I spent every second of those long weeks, days, hours, minutes they were in the NICU wondering if we could afford to buy a niche next to Bella, if I would have to wear the same maternity dress to thier funeral that I wore to Bella's. I wondered if I had the mental ability to go through it all again.

I deal with family that thinks I am over protective because since we can't afford the RSV shots again, I don't take the kids out. Family who thinks that if I would just expose them, they would be better off. I just can't take the chance. If one ends up in the hospital again, I don't really have anyone to watch the one child. I would then be making the choice of which child needs me more again. I simply can't do that.

So, am I envious that someone gets pg with twins, when she supposedly wasn't trying, after already having 2 beautiful children at home, and never having experienced loss of fertility problems? You bet I am. Am I jealous that the same someone managed to go full term, while I simply laid in a hospital bed begging for God to just get my babies to 28 weeks? To get my babies there without killing my kids? Am I jealous that she had a relatively problem free pregnancy, while about the only things I didn't experience were a prolapsed cord? Yep, I am. Again, I would never, ever wish those things on someone else. I just am envious that I had such a long, ardous journey. I am still so emotionally scarred from everything I experienced that it affects me daily. Both longer lasting pregnancies almost cost me my marriage. This friend has a housekeeper and an experienced nanny of multiples to help her. Tony and I didn't have anyone. We battled through it all alone. Again, almost costing us each other.

Best wishes to J, D, O, C, and the new boys. Enjoy your final night of possible sleep for a while!


Blogger Abby said...


Although I'm mommy to a singleton (and, at that, a singleton who was born at a later gestation), I own a similar grief and jealousy. Very few people appreciate the grieving that NICU moms go through, even when they come home with their children. I was lucky to have a child whose prognosis was fairly decent. Still, there are a million little losses that I grieve. Holding a wet, sloppy baby to my breast is one. Seeing him in his first three days of life is another (air lifted to a hospital with a NICU, he was born at a small hospital). By the time that my son came home to us, we were no longer "new" parents. We were parents that had already been through weeks of sleepless nights. I love my son, and thank God every night that he survived the hell that was my pregnancy with him. Still, two years later, I can't watch a high-risk birth on t.v. without my heart racing.

And, I'm with ya on the immunity thing. I breastfed my son exclusively, but something tells me that he's missing some basic immunities because he received my colostrum after it was pumped, frozen, thawed and shoved in a bottle. There's an overprotective part of me that screams: "Be careful! He was a preemie!" when I hand him off to a babysitter.

Maybe it gets better?

October 21, 2004 at 5:31 PM  

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