I have so many thoughts swirling in my head.
I have a headache. It smacks of a migraine, but I have never been good at deciphering each kind of headache. However, being that my period had seemed to be stopping (old blood) and is now seeming to restart (fresh blood and new clots) I suspect it is related to that. Currently, it is making me rather nauseated.
I have spent the past 2 days doing research online. I am trying to come up with knowledgable thoughts, information, and questions for Tuesday. I don't have a good feeling about it, and I can't figure out why. It all seems fairly innocent and straight forward. Both Rick and the u/s tech seemed to be concerned and focused on something. I am used to Lisa, the tech. I have spent much time on her table under her wand. (Sorry, that sounds kind of obscene doesn't it?)
After having irregular, heavy, painful periods for 20 years now, my overwhelming instince and desire is to just take it out. I will deal with whatever comes from that after. The bleeding alone would indicate an ablation. The cystic ovary possibly indicates a hysterectomy. The tech indicated that were it a result of my PCOS, it would have been smaller, multiple cysts probably. This was one larger cyst. I didn't ever hear actual measurements.
Medically, I completely understand why we should try for the ablation first. I will still probably end up with a hysterectomy in 5 years though.
Jeez, there are just so many thoughts and questions. I can't even figure out where to start. I am trying very hard to not push for what I want, but to do this in a mature and responsible manner. uuugggghhhh Hopefully Tuesday I will get a few ideas of which direction we are headed. Until then, I can only plan for everything. And everything is too much for my little brain to deal with at once.
On a different note, the kids just totally crack me up. I really love watching them interact with each other. They have "conversations" in toddlereese now. They fight, they share, they play, and they ignore each other. AJ has really turned on the personality lately. I got onto him the other day about something and he slapped his little hands on his cheeks and said, "Oh no, no, no, no!" I couldn't help but burst out laughing. He has also started trying to say juice. Torie has starting just babbling in toddlereese incessantly. I swear she said "wiggles" this morning while in mid babble and while watching the Wiggles. I just sit and watch them for hours. I will suddenly look up and realize I have done nothing all day but watch them. I just can't believe that they are here, and mine. As impossibly hard as those first months were, I wouldn't trade twins for anything. I still wish I'd had the chance to raise my singleton, but it wasn't meant to be.
I think I have finally moved on past all the infertility, the losses, the uncertainty that came with each positive test, and the emotional termoil of being pregnant. I really like our family as it is. I wish Bella were a part of that. I also wish I had never developed PCOS, had never lost my best friend to cancer, and many other things. But they will remain wishes. I am now looking forward to my hopes and dreams for my family's future together.
